The Haven of the Scorpio Gal

Happy Chinese New Year

2012-02-03T01:11:00.002+11:00

Its the starting on the new lunar new year, welcoming the water dragon, and the beginning of midwives nightmare, haha. Singapore will be so happy to recieve this baby boom. I think we gotta train up on our agility, speed and actions =)

Chinese New Year have been really fun so far. Renuion dinner at Pu Tein, and the usual lunar new year first day- rushing house to house visits, and enjoying collecting ang baos. ^-^

This time round for 2nd day of lunar new year was different, went over to Si Te's residence to pay visit to his parents, and have lunch. Coincidentially his mum's younger and elder sister popped over. >.<"'' Sweat~ But I would say it went relatively well, without major hiccups. His place is huge and really nice. Its interior design is done by his mother, I am really impressed, I'm sure when she refurbish the other house, it will be as equally stunning. They are really chinese traditional folks whom are into tea cereomy, tea drinking... very interesting hobby. =) His parents are really nice, and both his dogs are really uber active and friendly too. I'm glad they are those unapproachable, probing, mean parents we all dread to encounter. =D

Thereafter we went to Sentosa to visit- Flower Festival. =) Thankfully the weather was kind to us, it did not rain, so we manage to explore the entire exhibits which are really nice. Revisited "our spot", and there I shared my offical kiss with him. Haha. On the excuse of "revision". We can be quite lame at times, maybe its just the honeymoon phrase of corny sweetness =) But I am enjoying this feeling so far.

I am enjoying his company so far, loving every moment spend with him. I really do appreciate him for his willingness to be really thoughtful and caring, which I would say I never dreamt a guy would really treat me so well. I will say, he's wonderful, a dream come true. Yes, he had done things I dreamt as a girl, and he had made it happen, without me telling him my secret wantings, isn't it awesome?!

Hmm, okay just like making food for me. Bringing me to a place I say I want to go. Sending me from home because I'm not feeling well. Willing to be a part of my family, and take effort to blend in with my parents. Protecting me from monkeys, an chivarous act I will say. Planning for dates, and surprising me with things he said to make it come true. Like a bouquet of roses, followed by movie and dinner (a little poem he said once in passing). Willing to be pulled around the city to search for my cravings, and when they can't be found and I got really disheartened and upset, he still wishes to carry out the search to yet another venue. A really noble and sweet gesture for a guy ( guys never like shopping~). Bringing me to see sun sets, and see the sky of stars. And yes, never failing to make my heart skip a beat whenever he whispers sweet nothings. Really feel fortunated and so loved.

I wonder what stroke of luck I had, to have made such a wonderful chap. Someone brought up by a fine family, well-mannered, polite, matured, thoughtful, big-hearted, emcopassing, loving and sensible. And he really doesn't look bad, he has the wonderful sunny smile I love in any guy whom eyes twinkle when he smiles, he has a hearty laugh, and broad shoulders to lean on when I'm totally drained from the day's activities. Our hands interwined just so perfectly, as if made for each other. He's intelligent, a jack of all trades, enriched with broad knowledge I admire, humourous and lame in mixture. Someone whom I can totally rave about, but I think anyone reading this will say I'm totally fallen head over heels and blinded. So I shall stop saying...

I will say he's someone whom I really want to do my best, without the feeling of pressure to perform well. And that is the first time I ever feel this well. =D

Perhaps if one day I get upset with him, this post might remind myself, on the fact that we are totally different people, but similar in many other ways. =)

Updates

2012-01-18T19:32:00.002+11:00

Been on several dates with Si Te and it always had been a delight going out with him.

It could be his thoughtful gentlemanly ways, it could also be the little things he did that made me decide to try again for love this time round.

He's the first guy who took my words seriously, rather than face value, and made things come true. Such as bringing me to seletar reservoir and handmade sushi-s for dinner.

He's someone whom truly appreciates arts, and wouldn't find it a bore to go on dates to musuems. Instead we could be candidly exchanging our views on different art pieces and musuem show pieces, they may come off insightful, or even silly, yet feeling abashed about them.

He's someone whom doesn't mind going on long walks, and goes treking around half a day in nature, being a navigator in the process. In the henderson trail, he commented that we braved through rain and sunshine. Very much literally speaking =) Well, still I was glad he came along, for I would have been very much lost with the new marang trail and labrador park trail, and helpless when the canopy hill top walk was barricaded mid way. =)

It could have first started when I candidly mentioned about the lack of mistletoes locally during Christmas, and he created mistletoes with text messages icons.

It could also be the lameness he sprout, and makes me either laughing or staring at him with an incredulous look, commenting how crows are flying over our heads that instant.

No one is perfect of course, he's slightly as clumsy as me, can be as blur as me, but it could be adorable in some sense. But he does have the good side of him.

I am thankful for the good family upbringing his parents incalcated, to be a fine chap.

He does seemed to be a barrel of surprises, which I hope the pleasure of knowing each other more will continue.

Being with him sometimes, feel like I found a soulmate whom matches my interests, intellectual level, and sometimes even exceeds my expectations. =)

Updates

2012-01-06T01:50:00.004+11:00

I'm just back from the hair dresser. Snip off 2 inches of my hair, not that it was planned originally. I was thinking of trimming my hair to previous chich hair style like before, but when I saw my old waves, I left the decision to my hairstylist whom is extremely fond seeing me in short hair. So yeah. From my short rebonded hair style to side swpet bangs to a even shorter hairstyle. I think I look cute and young. Muahahaha =p

Oh well, I hope it will last me for months before I decide to go for yet another hairstyle change =)

Went on another date with him on Sunday. As I guessed he really brought me to Seletar Resevoir to watch the sunset. According to him, its the most beautiful place in SIngapore, and a fantastic place for sunset. Even though we did not get to catch the magnificient sunset that he claimed will paint the sky red due to heavy cloud covers, the weather was pretty good. =)

I was impressed by him. Maybe for once a guy was true to his word with a hint of surprise. =D

Sunday's date was meant to be a surprise, so I was just guessing about the venue, as he instructed me to dress down, and I did not want to spoil the surprise. =D Oh well, I was really touched that he made sushi as dinner for our date. The fillings include, unagi (our fav), sausages, with fish roe and glass prawn. Maybe its the first time a guy was true to his words to bring me to a place he promise he will bring me to, and really got his hands down to make a meal on our date. * uber happy *

Even though he was not a fan of wasabi, and does not dip his sushi in soya sauce, he did prepare the condiments in case we needed it. Simple gestures meant a lot. He made those sushi after his work and rushed for our date. Another bonus point for him I believe. He also prepared refreshments and the surprise dessert- strawberries that brought forth the adventure of our evening.

As we sat on the ledge to enjoy the scenery of the fresh water, overlooking the mandai zoo, watching the sun set and enjoying the sea breeze. His sushis are really good. I gonna learn how to make them, in trade of my steaming skills. =D

The flavors of sushi includes our favourites- unagi, prawns, fish roe, and sausages. He ccould not get tomago which was fine. I totally appreciate that he rush from his work to get those ingredients to prepare the sushi for our date. Extra bonus points. Hehe. Well he prepared condiments- soya sauce and wasabi even though he doesn't take them, which was very kind of him. And also prepared refreshments as well as surprise dessert- strawberries.

The thrill begun when dessert was brought out. A monkey invaded our peace, even attempted to steal our picnic belongings. It was totally fearless, not scared of scolding, threats and exxagerated shooing movements. In fact it got more agitated. Wrong move. Hahah. Managed to escape by packing our things swiftly, however when we changed our venue further up it followed up. God forbid =.=

Thankfully there was another family near us, which helped in chasing the moneky away, which of course was a tough fight. Thankfully it was just a monkey, else I think we are dead meat. Totally fearless =.=" In the midst of all the event I stumbled a little and he managed to catch my hand. Ah.. just a brief moment, before we jumped apart. >.>" Embrassing!! Oh well, his my knight in shining armour that evening, hahaha.

Oh well, thankfully we enjoyed the rest of the evening in peace, as we took our conversation up at the tower overlooking the night scenery till around 9pm plus. We then had ice cream as dessert near the vicinity. It was a gelato cafe with clean, bright yet comfortable atmosphere, however the place it also pretty reasonably priced. We really talked a lot that day, which I totally appreciated. =)

I guess its the first time a guy whom honour his promise in bringing me to a place and also to get hsi hands down to make a meal for a picnic. One of my dream dates I must admit. *blush*
Afterall I must say its a really a special experience, and by date one of the best dates I ever went out to. =D

Updates

2012-01-02T03:33:00.002+11:00

I have totally forgotten about Free New Year's admission to National Musuem to view Dreams & Reality including Van Gogh paintings.

I was discussing with my Night collegue son my first night that I was to enjoy the free admission with much approval from my Doctor, though I cleanly forgotten as my New Year's Night was rather busy after 3am strikes. Lolz. It was really kind and unexpected of him to invite me along to view the art pieces, if not I would hve regretted not going for this golden ooportunity.

There are a few art pieces that caught my eyes, especially the Lady in Black and Starry Night. Breathtaking, really really awesome! I can't wait to go Europe and see the Museum, I heard its at the loft where you did get to see Da vinci paintings and Mona Lisa. =D

Besides from that, I was glad we were able share our views about the different paintings, the colours, strokes, and also the different exhibits on arts, fashion, food, media etc... Its really enlightening how he has knowledge about astrology, historical sphinx etc. Which I feel is pretty knowledgable. Interesting things to learn =)

We had dinner at fish & co and I did enjoy the conversation over the meal. Sharing experiences over past dating experiences, him being harassed by gays, how his parents attempt to do match making, how funny his mum can be. Shared about my dating experiences, our parental views over marriage etc. Pretty fun.

Going out tmr on a surprise date, I hope things will go smoothly. =) Shall enjoy myself, and just go with the flow.

peace

Welcoming 2012

2011-12-31T20:14:00.002+11:00

Counting down tonight at labour ward, hopefully we will be comfortably seating on our counter, having our supper, watching tv on fireworks, and pretty much relax =)

*Keeping our fingers cross*

So far I am enjoying my conversations with the guy, he seemed really nice. Though of course all guys are nice from the beginning. One good thing about him is that he is appreciative of my work and is proactive in finding out about my job scope and keen to know what I do for my occupation. Unlike Daniel whom decided he does not want to feel stupid after hearing the tons of foreign knowledge abotu obstetric. That's something I would appreciate in a man.

A relationship to be should be nurturing. I would like to learn new things from him, discover new things together with him and grow together. So far I am feeling good vibes from him, but I really do not know what the future beholds for me. I just hope to improve myself as 2012 comes along and I will be happy, healthy and feel blessed + blissed.

By far we have encountered morning, afternoon and now night shift in our brief meeting of each other, and I think he is putting effort to know my schedule well, accomodating and understanding. =) I wonder how long this will keep up though, hopefully it is sincere and keen, rather than just some short term- just because I am interested in you kinda stuff.

He isn't the most successful chap I have known that's for sure, but I rather have a guy who is willing to put ine ffort to his work, be passionate about it, and really works for it with a clear goal. Which he possess. He has good upbringing, strong family support, knows how to cook and loves dogs =) So far nothing much to complain about.

Let's give and take and discover more new things about each other yeah? He is appreciative that I am understanding (stuff that ex boyfriends *chuckles*), okay seriously, maybe as I experience more downs in my encounter with opposite gender. I have learnt rather to stand put and wait for their action, rather then chase after them, and worrying whether they will be asking me out things like that. Occasional proactive of my part like being receptive, appreciative and non-pressuring is something I have learnt, and hope to continue honing up the skills. Is it what they call- kite flying? Holding on, letting go, pulling back? I am tired of all the games guys play, if they are interested they will do everything in the world to make you happy, but once they lost their interest in you, attention wanes and you will feel deserted again. I like the saying by him,"It is true that there aren't many nice guys, but not that little balance. However there's always one nice guy that fits you the best." I gonna keep that optimisism up, and hope the right one comes along, and by then I have learnt through past experience to cherish and nurture it.

He mentioned that going through all past experiences will be worth it when you meet the right person, which strike me as the "love philosophy" which I post on my fb since several several years ago. We really need to truly understand it don't we. Maybe its a sign that we are matured slightly... a little at least. =D

Cheers everyone.

Even if things do not work out for us, I will still thank him for making my Christmas Special and magical. And also for allowing me to realise more about the love philosophy I always tried to understand since before. =)

2012 resoultions, 2011 recap

2011-12-28T22:38:00.002+11:00

Let's just just to recao my achievements in 2011

As I will be going on night shift, welcoming 2012, I do not think it is nice to be blogging while at work, so let's get our brains cracking.

2011 Happenings
- I have obtained my midwifery cert
- I am working in the labour ward 52A
- I have conducted 20 deliveries as a midwifery student
- I have learnt how to conduct a normal vaginal delivery myself
- I have learnt how to do episiotomy
- I have learnt how to go into Operating Theatre to recieve baby via Caeserean Section
- I have managed to graduate from NYP again, this time round with another relationship mess
- I have grew a face of pimples, and now manage to regain my looks (Cummon face it, great skin is a source of confidence)
- I have cut my hair short, dyed it, curled it, then cut it again, then cut it while incoporating a rebond, currently sporting a much universal praise of youthful look... though comtemplating my long locks again
- I have finally wore a tube dress... that is to my uncle's wedding at MBS
- I have finally bought Shu Umera Mousse make up base and foundation, after dabbling with so much makeup, ranging from bb creams to liquid foundations, this work for me best so far
- I have yet added more collection of perfumes
- I have step out from the shawdow of my torrid relationship with Desmond- hanging out with Johan, Aaron, Bryan, Alan, Daniel. Plus some Italian Chap. Though all of them did not work out, still I am sure I have learnt lessons from there, and grew matured and stronger from each outing.
- I have finally changed my phone. From a much comlained about Nokia E72 to Iphone 4s white.
- I have visited MBS sky Garden
- I have conquered the whole stretch of Henderson Waves
- I have watched Macbeth- outdoor play at Fort Canning Hill, starring Adrain Pang (after missing out midsummer night's dream last year)
- I have watched Wicked at MBS
- I have watched Hossan Leong talk show again at National Library Board
- I have been to Dempsey Hill, ate in Dome, fantastic ambience, out of the world peacefulness
- I have been to Marina Barrage
- I have been to Ikea, Giant ( the huge one) as wel as Courts. Tried the much famous Ikea meatballs.
- I have recieved a red fossil wallet. So a yea for a red wallet even though it wasn't the Bruan Buffel Wallet I wanted.
- I have added a few shoes and Bags to my very limited collection
- I have been to Hokkaido =D

2012 Resolutions
- Tame my temper, be nice to people and keep my temper in check
- Stay humble, be receptive to feedback
- Work hard to earn respect and recognition
- Change Spectacles, and buy yet another supply of disposable contact lenses
- Pick up something new- either Masters in Nursing or Japanese Elementary
- Try to cook something different- every 3 months, eg sushi, pie etc
- Explore more food and drinks outlets
- Learn to be more patient, more forgiving, more self sacrificing
- Wait for the right one to appear, not the perfect guy, ut someone who is the missing jigsaw puzzle that fits and complements the flaws and good of me.
- Try to hit 58kg and maintain it
- Be more disicipline in medication taking (TCM and vitamins)
- Be an antenatal class instructor
- Take part in ward's Qi and research project
- Go to Europe in mid year
- Go to Korea/Taiwan/Hong kong in october period
-Stay Healthy, Happy, blissed, blessed =D

Updates

2011-12-27T03:07:00.001+11:00

Met up with him for dinner on Boxing day.

Went to Waraku for pasta and Udders for dessert. So far so good. I'm enjoying myself, and he seemed like a nice chap. Let's go with the flow.

Good night peeps =)

Updates

2011-12-26T02:50:00.003+11:00

I am watching Moulin Rouge now and blogging via iPhone on my living room. Another9 minutes and Christmas is over.

This year Christmas may have started off badly, with the breakup and everything. However I really do not wish to think about it anymore which will make more people upset.

I have decided that I shall concentrate on the present. :)

Each year Christmas I will always think about mistletoes, the stories abOut couples kissing under mistletoes. Will okay, it is like an obligation however I still think it is one thing magical about Christmas. Ha ha. This year is not any different. Only my friend who is currently based in Korea have jokingly offered to airmail them over ha ha. Well if only it is true an possible to air mail before Christmas ended. Fat hope.

A new friend I made had been incredibly kind to create a mistletoe for him. And in exchange a mistletoe peck on the Cheka for him. Cummon, a bit of festive mood will not hurt. I had been surprised that he kept hat on mind, really sweet of him!

It's a small world, just found out today that his father is actually my Primary school principal , I have no idea whether it is awkward or interesting, but right now I do want to just follow the flow.

Recently guys I meet often are at some point of their career which requires a lot of their attention, is his my date or something ? Those all did not end up well so I hope I have learnt from those lessons and things will work out better?

I guess this time round we will go slow and adapt to each other irregular work timing, and see if we are able to accommodate our work and social life. He said he will try, but men promises cannot be trusted, so I am not keeping my optimistic mood too high !

Perhaps by talking more as friends while we go through the work stress respectively and see if we do not forget presence. I hope to put in more effort this time and he would too... Keeping my fingers cross.

Let my grist mass magic become something I will learn and enjoy.

**peace**

Updates

2011-12-21T01:06:00.002+11:00

Its 5 days since the break up.

I have filled up those days with activities, so that in the end of the day I will be super tired, and fall asleep without my thoughts running amok. But today I felt really exhuasted.

Friday I went to Vivo to catch up with my friend, whom I befriended in Japan. 11 years of age difference and still able to converse and relate well is indeed rare. She brought me to Bosses Restuarant, and it struck me that it is the restuarant that he has ofen said he would bring me to.

That was then it struck me that there's so many things, so many places we said to explore together, but never had the chance to. Sigh...

Saturday, its Wicked day. The day we agreed upon to watch together, and me to intro my best friend to him. Ended up we broke up, so his seat is empty. I did not wish to ask someone else to fill up the empty seat, I have no idea why... I just thought it would be a good bonding session with my best friend and it would be inconvinent and embrassing if I would just break down in the midst of the performance. My best friend was caught up in work unexpectedly, so she came only after 3pm which 3/4 of the performance was me watching alone.

I am so not used to doing things alone anymore. Sigh... Thereafter we took a bus back down to Cityhall which we dined in a Japanese restuarant which was furnished in a cosy Japanese layout. The food was horrible. The ramen was worst then maggi mee, and the broth was tasteless. I had spicy miso ramen, but Sushi Tei's Spicy Ramen is sooo much better.

I ordered Shiawase tea- a mixture of different tea leaves, which was translated as Happiness tea. Recently developed interest into teas, perhaps since the day he brought me to Tcc and we had tea... Shiawase tea is the only highlight of the meal, but no... I don't feel happy after the drink.

Sunday I went for early renuion lunch as Coca Restuarant- steamboat. Our family's tradition. Steamboat isn't my favourite, because I am pretty much a herbivore when it comes to steamboat. Veggie, mushrooms and tofu in tom yum soup base. My grandparents knew I broke up, thankfully they left their curiousity at home. The meal ended up an attempt to organize a family overseas trip, which I highly suspect that it would be impossible. They are suggesting a New zealand trip or dubai shopping trip... I shall wait for iteinary before deciding... How I wish I can just drop everything and go overseas for a short while, to escape from this mess of my life.

Monday, my friends called me out for dinner at P.S. Cafe at Ann Siang Hill. A seculded part around China town area, an expensive fine dining area, with pubs and other cafes and restuarants around. If only I have the chance to explore with him... I am having some withdrawal symptoms now...

After the dinner, which wasn't too fancy in my opinion, a group of us went to Udders ice creamery. I chose Tiramisu flavor. I always have a liking to Tiramisu. To me Tiramisu is a romantic dessert, a tinge of alcholic, sweetness and bitter like love. But that day the Tiramisu was too strong, I started having dull headache during bedtime. =( I can't take too much alcholol now. According to my friend who came around for insurance stuff, mention I have flushed face, darn it. And I do feel pretty much stoned and light headed.

I guess I can't indulge too much on alcholol to lessen this misery.

Tuesday, I went to catch "New Year's Eve" with my best friend. My x'mas gift from her is Lancome's Teint Miracle under eye concealer. I told her my dark eye circles are getting worst, and do something to cover up despite having so much sleep... Sleep but not quality sleep suckz.
Walked down orchard road to see x'mas lighting.

I have been doing things I planned to do with him. This sucks big time.

If he is reading this post I really do have many questions to ask him.

Have he ever regretted being together with me?

Is being together with me such a torture?

What have I done to deserve a break up?

After breaking up with me, have he regretted?

Did he miss me? Or is he getting along fabulously fine?!

Is this what you wanted from the start? Why are promises broken, unfufiled when fromt he start he promised not to break them? WHy are guys all like this?

Is there really no turning back? Even if he does regret, are we able to start afresh? I have no idea. What's this? A clean break? A cool down? I have no idea. But I think I want to be treated much much better in my next relationship, if it bumps along again.

Sigh...

My best friend ask me not to think so much

Not to analyse so much

Perhaps its not anyone's fault, its just not meant to be

Let begones be gone. Things happen for a reason. Let's forgive and forget. We learnt from mistake, and embrace the future, we give second chances.

I'm tired of trying to make things right for myself.
I'm tired of being strong, when I'm not.
I'm tired. it's not fun.

Updates

2011-12-17T02:05:00.002+11:00

When I decided to forget and allow begones to be begones for my first relationship it took me more than two years before I would comtemplate getting close to opposite genders. Of course with occasional huantings and uncomfortable stomach luanch at the mention of him.

When I decided to let go of a fruitless relationship with my poland friend it took me about 6 months plus before I decided letting go and allowing each other to pursue own dreams was much fairer and easier.

When I decided to forget about my poland friend whom ended up showing his true colours after his arrival to Singapore, it took me 100 days of detox, and daily reflection journal before I finally straighten my thinking that I'm worth more than that. And feeling thankful that I was wise enough not to fall for his guilt trips.

When I ended things with a particular friend who seemingly was obbessed with me, it was pretty quick to realise he wasn't the right one, rather an annoying, untruthful fella.

When my second relationship ended with a sudden bang, it took me a day of bawling before I finally wake up to face the world with a smile.

You did point fingers at me saying that I am occupying my time to stop thinking of unhappy things, I wouldn't deny.

I have thought about the things he mention, and I decided I can't agree with his point of view, and most likely will never agree them...

Communication to me has always been a foremost important factor to kickstart and maintain a relationship. Even when I was in a long distance relationship, it was a furry of instant messaging, skyping, emails and occasional snail mail. Guys I encountered and have never failed to create their presence in my life with coomunication. Be it lawyer, student, hotel sales manager, self employed worker, somehow despite busy work/study schedule there's always communication. Never had they once grumble about excess communication via phone. Rather we create time just to talk on phone. Yet this time round, the sore reason of broke up was because of his hatred for phone calls, and my love for phone calls.

A relationship barely into 3 months should be in a passionate state which most people will relate to, neverending topics, sweet nothings, and stickiness which never occured... My friend declared lack of varability, lack of accerelation, signs of decelerations no wondr it turned to non-reassuring "fetal" status. What an interesting way of incoprating midwifery into love philosophy. However I can't help but agree.

In a relationships, its never a bed of roses I learnt. with ups and down (acceleration and deceleration), it keeps the relationship active, alive and on-going. We learn through mistakes, and need some unhappiness to generate more love. Yet ironically, to my case, deleration was not given a chance of resusitacation, but an immediate crash ceaserean section decided base on the "surgoen", ending up in a dead fetus. Sorry for sounding so gross, but other measures could have been implemented to prolong and revive the "down". Selfish.

Something must be wrong somewhere when one does not find the love to talk on the phone, to give in to phone calls.

Of course there may be some hidden reason that was never divulged.

Perhaps it has been a third party. Disapproval from his friends. Disapproval from his parents. He suddenly woke up one day and realised I am not the one, he does not love me at all, and thought I was the last pirority he ever wanted.

What a joke. I am never doing christmas shopping. MY christmas shopping ended up with a broke up. Talk about festive cheer.

Another ridiculous arguement was that I do not cherish the relationship because I do not publise my relationship status to public, and even my uncle does not know that I'm attach. So, what does it mean here? My collegues, parents and my grand parents know I'm attach. So only my uncle matters to him? Stupid. A cherish of relationship does not equate to publise of status. Why don't you publise to the newspaper, and billboard that you are not officially single?! I'm not desperate for spotlight, I'm not someone who thinks private matters are meant to be shared. Can I say that thinking is immature?

He said he is tired of me picking fights and arguements. If I am happy why do I pick on you? I need attention I explained. I need you to just talk to me so I know you cared. I told you what I want, but he doesn't get it. And he thinks I'm unreasonable.... These issues weren't sorted out at all.

He wants a break up, but it was not the first choice, but isn't it the first action brought up? Who are you kidding here?

He wants a break up as he does not want to hurt each other more. Aren't you hurting me already? Or rather you thrive in hurting me from the start.

I have told him relationship issues- confession, break up, proposal, arguements etc are best settled face to face. But we only managed to discuss unhappy issues amiacably once. ANd he broke up was initiated via sms. What a jerk. Until I forced him to tell me face to face. He owed me that much.

Work stress and relationship stress doesn't go well with each other. Who doesn't have stress? Which work doesn't have stress? Which relationship is ever bed of roses? Don't be immature and kid yourself. No job is more mighty and more stressful than other. Each job have its own stress to cope. If you can't cope, you should have take it out on your love one, or rather supposedly loved one? It isn't fair. It isn't right. And I do not deserve it.

I feel this time round.... my feelings are
-feeling cheated, 委屈
I may have my own immaturity, own flaws, but it doesn't mean I don't improve. I have my own side of charming and good. I don't deserved this kind of crap. Don't give such a lame excuse just to end things to make yourself happier. I definitedly deserve something, someone much better.

I shall slowly create a better list of 2012 new year resolution. Have you created yours?

Updates

2011-12-15T14:43:00.002+11:00

Fairytales doesn't exist, only grimm tales exist.

I have thought I found the right one, only to wake up to find the spell broke. I was thrown into cold reality that I am again deserted to a corner. Always treated like a tissue paper, if you need me, its readily available, yet when you used it, me being chuck to a corner.

I don't it why I'm always the one who takes the bitter end. All I wanted was a simple relationship, a happy ending, yet after a roller coaster ride of fantasy, it paused and broke me down to the ground.

I thought I have learnt my lesson from my past relaqtionship... Don't get step over. Don't speak, but rather act it out. Don't throw un-neccessary temprements, be understanding.

"6 months of critical period", I got it and did not grumble when I dont get to meet him for a week, but patiently waiting. All I wanted was more attention via phone. If I can't meet you face to face, wouldn't you give me your concern via phone? A few minutes of your time wouldn't hurt?

When you annouce to your friends I never call you, I never find you, gradually I call you when I'm free. But ends up it was treated that I only tell you when I'm "shuang". What a stab in the heart.

When you say you are tired and need sleep, all I selfishly did was to hold you back another 10 minutes. Yet, I seem to be non-understanding.

My simple wish to talk on the phone, but it seemed like a big deal from your side.

I can't bring myself to tell you say how much I do feel for you, but I act it out. I buy things when I'm out for you, cause you're always on my mind. But its was never captured. Only negative things of me is reflected.

I can't rumble, I can't whine, I can't tell you I need attention. Where am I placed in your life, in your heart? I want to try to put your and your family in one of the piriorities of your life, but none are appreciated.

Promises are always broken. What to watch the world together... What to give your heart to me... What you love me...

Love... Is love so fragile? Just because of work stress, I am being thrown crumpled to a corner. Instead of finding ways to compromise, you have taken things in your own hands and destroy whatever piece of happiness I am trying to build.

How could you be so cruel?

I told myself 2 relationships would be the end, it should be the last and the only one that walks through the end... Yet I see it shatter just before my eyes...

Am I really fated to just take my fate in my own hands? Am I really suppose to grasp whatever insane courage in my hands and drop everything to go overseas and start anew?

I keep telling myself to tolerate, be calm, stay cool and not cry, but still I did. I broke down in front of him. I mustn't...

Why am I always trying to hold the strong facade so everyone thinks I'm strong and cheerful and capable, when I am just that little girl, lost?

Why must you wretch my heart and break into pieces? Why can't we just walk through together? Why must you break it apart base on your own selfish reasons? This isn't love... Love may be letting go, but love also means holding on and persvere... Maybe Love isn't so great afterall...

I am tired of being strong.

I hate being a tissue paper.

the old cracks may have mended, but scars remain. WHen its broken again, I wonder how its going to be mend again.

outlet of ventilation

2011-11-10T22:44:00.002+11:00

I couldn't post my emotions on msn nor facebook, after comtemplating for several minutes on how to poetize my words I finally gave up and updated my blog again. Perhaps I should go back to my paper diaries days. But currently I am just too lazy to pick up a pen.

My best friend have gave me a journal notebook for my birthday, no doubt my bestie. I used to pen down stories, doodle in classes. Sigh... My habit of penning in my diary faded away when one day I found out my elder sister peeked into it. But blog is not a very safe outlet of ventilation again, even though minimal people know my blog address. Nevertheless I need an outlet of ventilation, without having to beautify my words, and allow my thoughts to straighten itself as I drawl on.

I hate cold treatment. Silence is deafening. I can't stress anymore that I detest silence. It makes my mind run wild. WHen there isn't the usual flow of messages, my thoughts run wild again.

I always stay firm to my rule of 3. I will only give any people 3 chances. Like I gave my overseas crush 3 chances, before he officially broke my heart and I never turned back. Like I gave my ex 3 chances after all the mental and verbal abuse I finally pulled away. Likewise for minor things, 3 messages or 3 calls I will stop trying, and considered the ball thrown on the other party's court. To return to state of normality or to call it off. Kinda drastic person arent I?

Likewise if I tell my partner my thoughts like "call me"/ "wouldn't you talk to me"/ "why are always so tired when you're talking to me", perhaps words were harsh, perhaps they don't sound nice, but I kinda take it that I have tell you "what I want", 3 times and there isn't any action, that's it. I will keep mum, I left the ball at your court, and yes I am definatedly not happy.

For the incident yesterday I have apologised, but there wasn't any morning messages, I left messages behind which thankfully he replied. I have no idea why I still feel he is feeling sore. No endearments, I don't fell the love. Call it an woman's sensitiveness. I don't know... I do not know what he's thinking, and whatever it is, I do not like the feeling, I hate it.

Sometimes when I am upset I fell like throwing my pillow, boxing it like a pillow fight. I can't go to my usual hideout because I need to go for my night shift. I hate hate hate hate hate the way i'm feeling now. My mood is sucky, I can't smile, I am teary, and I need to go to work. ARGH.

I dun know what to do. I can only breathe in, breathe out, and hope my plastic smile works later at work. I'm officially "touch me not", until happiness settles back into my life. =(

Dragging my feet to work =.=

I promise myself to slowly return to habit of diary writing so no one else sees my unhappy rumble grumbles =(

Updates

2011-11-10T02:03:00.002+11:00

This is the first time I felt totally upset with him and ended with me bawling.

We have nightly phone conversations, but tonight's phone conversation wasn't fantastic at all. Half of the time we were in stony silence and arguement. I hate this feeling. After a month and we are already having silence?

Communication is very important in my point of view in a relationship. Of course one of the major reasons why I chose to be with him was because I am comfortable conversing with him. In comfort to express my thoughts , feelings without inhibition, but in turns out to be an err.

I am not sure. My straightforwardness was a plus point to him, but not a demerit point too. My choice of words are too harsh. To me it is an expression of my thoughts, but they were taken too hard, and he wasn't please to hear them at all.

All I want was a quality conversation. I don't like mudane conversations. I asked my collegues, what do they talk about with their partners. Their answers bother me... Their conversations are their everyday life, but sometimes everyday life can be repititive too isn't it? They explained it is how you get to know each other. I agree on that, but certainly not every single conversation on what you ate, what you did, what happen, if things are the same, conversations will be always the same, isn't that boring?

I fear the boredness of mudaneness. I need spice in my life, something slightly different. And this scares me. I mean... when he says quality conversation doesn't occur everyday, I wonder why is that so... Quality time spend, does it mean just a everyday talk is quality? He says his work requires him to travel, be under the hot sun, meet clients, talking, that I agree is definitedly more tiring, but wouldn't talking to me be a highlight of his day? He argue if talking to me is boring, he wouldn't be calling me, he wouldn't be talking to me, when he hates talking on the phone. That surprises me, yes I forgot he doesn't call his previous relationships before. But I'm different, pampered from all my different courtships.

I don't know. Am I being difficult? Hard to please or what?

i am afraid of silence. I fear silence. I don't like being alone. When silence sets in, I always think, "AM I being boring? Is talking to me so boring? Say something? I need to think of something to talk... think... think harder wan lin". Am I being paranoidal? Maybe because my past relationship's silence always means he is being angry, upset, annoyed. That's why I hate silence. When my daddy is angry, he doesn't say a word.

So when people suddenly fall into silence in my presence, I will feel I did something wrong. God save me.

I hate being alone. For my 22 years of my life I do not do things alone, practically it will kill me to do things alone. Be it - buy food myself, going to library myself, go toilet myself (outside), go to movies myself, go out shopping myself. I am very very reluctant, definitedly will find company along. Until after my broke up and remaining single, I slowly force myself to taste independence, that was only when you find me coop up in supermarkets, libraries and cinemas ALONE...

But that didn't happen too long for him then came into the picture. And then my DEPENDENCE came settling in comfortably once again. Being the youngest in the family, dependence is definitedly something we can't escape from I think, at least for me. Depending on him seem to be wrong too... I wonder... =(

I am always straightforward, but at work I'm not. Its reality I feel, you gotta hide bits of yourself to please the crowd, smiling, being nice, being over patient, over tolerant, it comes in a package with professionalism I think. No matter how fussy, irritating a patient/collegue is I can maintain the cool, calm, demure, tolerant side of me, but when I'm off work, when I remove my uniform I am back to my true form. Call me fake. But I really wish my true friends, family to accept me for what I am. I wouldn't want to pretend to be someone I am not. When I am upset, I will say it out, to me it is being frank no hardfeeling, but to him, it's harsh, and always another way of putting words across... I agree, the master of words I have yet to master.

If you want me to master I will, but it will take time as what you always say. Cushioning of my words can be mastered in time, but hiding my emotions will not be possible. If you did want me to pretend to be understanding, patient and tolerant, when I truly "want your attention, want to talk to you, wish to hear your voice, please talk to me" not i can't do that. Worst, please never ever want to be strong, for from the start I never am. I may look strong, but its a facade. In truth I'm a tofu inside. At work I need to look steady and trust worthy, but the real me is a clumsy kultz who gets into trouble, fall down, get cut an bruise unknowingly, which probably you would know. A chopper can fall when I'm cutting fruits, that's the real me. Even though I do not say it out, but in word I would want you to know I do miss you, I do want to talk to you, and I am an attention seeker to my partner. I do say it out, for I am straight forward, frank and everything but strangely it never applies when it comes to feelings. That's why I can never chase a guy.

I hate it when you raise your voice at me. I can never continue a conversation with a rational mind when I start bawling my eyes out, so pardon me for ending the phone conversation so abruptly. I use to write diaries, thus writing has always been a refuge to my inner thoughts. So Pardon me for often writing things down to express my thoughts. And yes, I'm still a cry baby, once I start, I can't stop, so I dun wish you to see that side of me, perhaps for now.

November

2011-11-03T13:36:00.002+11:00

Its November, while the year is slowly coming to the close of course not forgetting my birthday.

I did be turning 23 years old this year, slowly as age creeps up, the fear of getting old, and the un-negegible fact that your youth is never everlasting.

Its time to come up with new year resolutions, and a new wish list =)

This year have been extremely eventful.
I have completed my advance diploma in nursing, and finally acquired my midwifery certificate.

I am finally working in my dream ward- labour ward. Of course life is never a bed of roses, things arent smooth of the time. Not perfect weather forecast and excellent bunch of team mates, but life is full of ups-and-downs.

My wish list/My to-do-list

1) Perfect Skin
2) A new Wallet
3) New set of make up brushes
4) A sling bag
5) More experience in obsterteric care- more skilled in newborn resuscitation, delivery skills, more familarise with lwd protocol, familarise with in-charge work, lesser mistakes at work
6) Good interpersonal relationship with my labourward collegues and nursing manager
7) Travel to Europe in mid 2012. I want to visit venice, switz, spain, Barcelona, etc..
8) Perhaps another trip to Taiwan
9) Either be doing Masters in Nursing or doing Japanese classes (cuz i can't handle both at a single time)
10) To understand my partner better
11) Be a better self, more tolerant, patient, and better temprement
12) Understand what I actually want in my career? Be a Nurse clinician? Educator? Manager? Seat in DNA office? Be an ordinary SSN? Quit my job and venture overseas?

Probably find the right one and settle down by age 25 years old is my aim still. But the price of housing, waiting for flat, and all the stupid things are so just that confusing, irritating and annoying.

Anyway I hope next year will be a wonderful year, and my wishes will come true. Peace to all.

Updates

2011-10-02T01:53:00.003+10:00

1st October 2011 shall mark the first day of my Relationship.

I shall promise myself to remember this feeling. To cherish this moment, and not do anything to jeopardise this relationship by being insensitive, petty, non-understanding and intolerent.

So far he has been really sensitive, sweet, nice and patient towards me. The first person who bought me a dress. The first who would realise I will be tired after a day at work. A first who would be more expressive with his feelings, yet not seemingly pushy.

Let's cross our fingers and let nature take its flow. I hope god has answered my prayers.

It is a new beginning, I agree I have lots of learn, and I hope I will do a good job out of it. Gambatte ne Wan Lin~

I am considering either a Masters or Japanese lessons in year 2012... Shall enjoy the remaining month of 2011, save up for Europe trip in mid year 2012. And decide for what course to take up next year. =)

And of course constantly upgrade and pick up delivery and emergency skills in Labour ward.

Updates

2011-09-21T20:08:00.002+10:00

Its about a month since the last update, I am probably 3 months old in labour ward, finally a registered nurse at September.

Feeling exharilated, with a mixture of increased sense of responsbility at the same time. So far so good, learning new things, mastering new skills, brushing up on skills. I just hope things will be smooth at work. Be it patient care, delivery skills, interpersonal relationship etc.

Been to a few makan sessions with some collegues, I am glad that they are really nice souls =D

My pimples are getting a tad better, at least I don't frown when i look int he mirror, and that's an improvement ya? Perhaps it is just the transition of environment, from work to school, from school to work.

This year as I mentioned, will be spend remaining "procrastinating" with my studies. I am not touching those books, for this year, and only touch them again next year. Mayhap Masters or Japanese Language. =) This remaining year will be solely for my socialising, which I have kinda missed out.

Missing out on makan sessions, movie sessions, pure fun, going out and chill, getting crazy. I need more water therapy at vivocity, cycling sessions at east coast park, hiking sessions at mount faber, makan sesisons around Singapore. Oh, and probably really get down to settling my heart to wait for the right one to bump along?

Perhaps the one I have met is the right one? I wouldn't know for sure, right now we are relaly similar in value and interest wise, and he is really nice to me. Seems too nice ot be true. As usual I am always ready to bolt the next direction at signs of quick commitment. I may have relaly been scarred sinc emy first relationship, there are several decisions that were influenced by the past. He kept saying every couple, every relationship is different. I wish I am braver. Right now I just wish to go with the flow, as it comes along we shall see each step where it brings us to. Right now let's enjoy this good feeling.

Updates

2011-08-18T23:43:00.003+10:00

Wednesday was my second time as SDA nurse.

Preparing patients from home to theatre and "collecting" the baby is not a easy task. The day before you have to call patient to advise the patient on pre-op details. ont he day, you gotta set the plug, take the blood, despatch the blood. Ask patient for neccessary information. Admit the patient, do RFID tag, check consent, ask HO to clerk patient, sign the forms, get physiotherapist to issue TEDs stockings. Listen to FHR, serve sodium citrate. Then in OT that's the adrenaline business. Sister has yet to be "mean" to throw me into the cold chamber alone, though I suspect that the days are creeping terrbily closer.

The babies are not neccessarily wailing and healthy on arrival. If the mother has GA for more than 5 minutes, and the baby is yet to be delivered, the baby will be "flat". ANd you need ot resus the baby. That scary thing is resusitating a baby and when the baby is Prem. I fear all the resusitative process- cling wrap, stimulation, and dreaded intubation!

argh.. * cross fingers*

meanwhile have been taking a very healthy balance diet in my opinion. Pack with fruits! I am not sacrificing my food, but rather taking a lot of antioxidant fruits. Blue berries, cherries, red dragon fruit, apples, oranges. Now incoporating with apple cider vinegar with honey drink to detox the body. Concentrating on inner and external health, nope my pimples will get better fast!!!!!!!

Just know a friend who is 60-70% similar to my beliefs. kudos to us~

updates

2011-08-11T01:11:00.002+10:00

Work in lwd is never predictable. it could be smooth sailing today, but busy like shit the next day, or even the next unpredictable event can simply hit you int he next second. My collegues in wd53a ask if it is boring simply focusing just on obstertric patients? Actually no... I feel that due to the fact that things can happen any spilt second makes things interesting, exciting, keeping me on tenterhooks and adrenaline rush. Hmm...

My romance life is not smooth. One day I went out with my bestie, and we went up to the pool at vivocity, pleased to know that they have finally renovated the ground. The only con is that the ventilator from the cooking is released in the middle, which isn't really pleasant. Other than that, it is relaly pleasant strolling in the waters, and talking with her. I always thought it will be very romantic strolling in the water in the evening, seeing the stars and the moon, enjoying a loved one's company and conversation, while relaxing with the view of the sea from afar, the chillness from the water, the sereness of the environment.

I wouldn't say I am down on guys, but rather the guys I meet/know are never right. I feel kinda jaded over my perspecive of what I want in guys. All I want is a guy whom I can communicate well with, one who is mature, able to support me and loves me truly. But it never comes. Guys of same age never click, guys in mid twenties are either still focusing on their career/ not stable, guys of older age are far too wise and feel that I can just too young.

What do I want really? I just can't find the connection I want in the guy. Sometimes when I thought I found it, it turns out just one way connection. Or cupid arrow just fall short halfway, and everything fizzles out. All I want is a simple relationship, no mind games, just a loving, simple relationship.

I asked if there's something wrong with me. One say i need toprotray myself better. I think sometimes I may be too sensitive. Or I might just not sociable, attractive enough.

Sigh... I am really sick of this romance games.

I just want to concentrate on improving myself. Cooking. Beautifying. Self-improvment. Till maybe one day, a plain romance comes knocking on my door..ever.. JADED...

The hot topic of Marina Bay Sands, most converted Sky Garden at 75th storey with pool and amazing view... Been up there on National Day. My review, "I don't see the WOW factor". Crazy people dressed in bikinis in a scorching afternoon, blazing sun and burning temperature, despite hitting the waters. Nice view, but not really amazing... Oh unless you are the super VVVIP of MBS, a member of MBS so converted that you are a member of their club on 75th storey, okay, that is wow... Otherwise... A highly acclaimed sight has became rather commonized, choatic, till I can't enjoy the pain beauty of SKY GARDEN.

Updates

2011-07-26T01:22:00.002+10:00

I am more than a month old in labour ward, still considered a baby, green horn in this highly specialized setting.

Being in labour ward gives me this adrenaline rush, cause practicularly anything can happen at anytime. It could be serene and peaceful, then out of the blue the ELS bell will break the silence, and a patient comes in with strong pain, within an hour, you hear the wails of the baby. Otherwise it could be wildly busy, and given my amauteur experience, I am thrown into a wind of frenzy, worst than an octopus. Honestly you can't predict base on patient acuity, a patient can keep you busy, or a dozen patients can keep you running. But this is kinda interesting, I am not regretting my choice.

Nonetheless, the working environment by far has been rather conducive, an occasional change of weather forecast is expected, thus it is always wise to keep your heads bowed, eyes wide open, ears peeled. Being ultra observant is a skill I have yet to truly master.

Working in this setting is not just purely "learning via experience", but also pretty much "learning how to be human".

Keeping my fingers cross, praying hard every single day. I hope my dreams will all come true. =)

Updates

2011-07-12T16:34:00.003+10:00

Not too much updates about my work nowadays, for I have been crossing my fingers and digits really tightly. The route to survival is tough.

Year of 2011 has been really eventful so far!

I have finally finally completed my Dream specialization course after so much of worries and stuff like that. Yes, my results have been released, and I am super uber happy with my results. =D As a proverb has said, "You reap what you sow". For all the stress and pimples, okay, at least they are justified with the results =D

* skips around*

It is the month of July, another half of the year left before 2012 hits me. I want to do something about my life, I really want to do something for myself, and not stay stagnant and rot.

Well, I am going to take a break from nursing studies meanwhile, and let my body recover from all the late nights and no life.

Here is my plan:

I intend to enjoy myself as much as possible.

Such as sleeping early, not later than 11pm, unless I am working night shift.

I may or may not travel this year, as I am still allocating my funds for personal use.

I may or may not go for eyelid surgery, just to enhance my features.

I MUST go Europe next year May or June period. Die die also have to go. Either through Europe land tour or backpacking style. When I say backpack, I am not staying in hostels and run down motels, to me holidays must be relaxing. Call me "da xiao jie", but I am not as steady as my Sister who trek around the world with just a backpack and shoes. Work is killer, life have to relax and enjoy.

Anyway, I am still comtemplating on going for Japanese lessons. That should keep my brain fresh and gears oiled right? hmm...

Dream Awakening

2011-06-29T12:03:00.002+10:00

Just had a very interesting dream.

Here goes...

Part 1.

I am on a plane with a group of friends (whom I do not recall), somehow we ended up in business class area with comfortable seats and luxury of good food. Interestingly there are spreads of international cuisines displayed on different plates, e.g.: Nepalese food, etc... Feeling excited my friends and I took a plate and settled down among ourselves and eat to our hearts content.

Part 2.

I am in a foreign land, and we moved into a house. Somehow this house is rather familar to me, I kinda visited this house in my previous dreams before. The house is really beautiful, it has a veranda, pots of greeneries, curtains. It did not seem to be a permanent move, however it has a lot of beds. There was a fat aunty who arrived to the room before us, and she insisted in taking the middle queen size bed, after much debacle I reasoned that there are 5 beds in total in the room, thus there is no need to squeeze and share. While the others were busy packing their stuff, I explored the house and found pots of plants arranged at the corner of a room, some really gorgeous flowers, some rather "poisonous" looking- venus fly trap, which instantly reminded me of a friend who has an interest in breeding such plants. Feeling a little chill at the plants I turned to look across the doorway and saw that we have shared this house with other people, whom are guys I do not know off. There is one who was seating on a rattan chair reading a book, looking comfortable. While a guy who was walking across the room, which our eyes met without a greeting. Strange to be staying overseas in a house with people you do not know.

I walked out the front door wondering where is the place situated at, and how convinent it was to find out that a street that looks like "little india" was just behind us in a distance. The street was selling wares in colour shades, though the crowd isn't heavy yet.

End of dream~

Now I remember why the hous eis familar, I visited the place in my dream with my family and at night there was fireworks display in the "little india" street. =)

Queer dream, but rather nice nonetheless.

Updates

2011-06-11T15:14:00.002+10:00

Finally my crash 8 Months course of Advance Diploma in Nursing 9Midwifery) is over. Wan Lin has survived the course. Despite all the hardships- aka tough terminologies, foreign diagnosis, learning new skills, dealing with negative impressions of people, I had my own fair share of fun and happiness.

Indeed this whole 8 months have been extremely eventful, and I dealt with things which had impact of my life experiences, I trust that those will build me better to who I am today. All those grumbles, frustrations, tears and persistence will not go into waste.

I did always remind myself of the pollyana spirit, when things go wrong, I will always desperatedly find things in my life that make me happy. Things put me down, but I will somehow find a way to stand up, with the help of the loved, cherished people around me.

I am glad everything is over, this is not an ending, but simply a new beginning, a new chapter in my life. I will soon commence work next Monday, as Staff Nurse Goh Wan Lin, in Ward 52A, Labour Ward, and this is enough pressure ot make sure that I keep my toe sin line, keep learning, improving, and practice all my skills learnt with constant upgrading. I hope things will turn out well, go well, no backstabbers, more good people, my patients will be safe, and I will be safe and happy.

I have watched "Something Borrowed" with one of my friends, and the movie is really really nice. The movie storyline is about 2 friends who are polar opposites, one is jovial, attention seeking, flamboyant and straight-forward. The other is hardworking, pretty, always giving in to the other friend despite all the "unfair treatment", constantly having trouble dealing with internal conflict, always want to be nice and not harm people. She is so nice to let go of her man to her friend, and seeing them engage and preparing to be married. Until one day when she got drunk in a party and ended up having sex with the groom-to-be, things continued from then to realise that the groom-to-be had the same mutual feelings, yet supposedly tied down by his father's authorative rules of live, therefore is a total weakling in facing his own feelings. I felt that the groom was a jerk, playing around witht he 2 women, not wanting to be up-front with his emotions. I think that MAN should act like a MAN. If you like a women, Love her to bits, you should act it out, and not let the lady wait like a fool. Thankfully the movie had a happy ending, when he finally realised when the girl decide to let go and leave the messy relationship. WHy do people often have to wait till they realise something is gone, and not constantly waiting to start taking action?

I always say "Action speak louder then words". If you miss the person, show it. Making a phone call, showing up at the door step, telling her that you miss her is definitedly more "obvious" than keeping it to yourself, and strangling yourself with "I miss her, why she does not know it". I hate it when guys simply spun their own tale, saying that they are busy, tired etc... making up excuses. I did say they are just running away from reality, not wanting to face the fact, not brave enough to tell their feelings upfront, making themsleves, and also the lady upset. What is the point? I would say, just saying, "I love you" is meaningless, if there is no "Action" to prove that "I love you". Those 3 words can be easy to say, hard to express, hard to know, difficult to prove. Love may conquer all, but only if you want to do it.

If life is all fairytale, and movie like, it did be so dramatic. But I rather my future relationship be simple, no twist and turns, no games, no hiding.

I have several more movies I want to Watch. I am still waiting for Harry Potter, Twilight, Monta Carlo etc... =)

Oh, I finally changed my pillow, and it is a huge fluffy pillow. Paired up with comfy quilt, lavender aromatherapy, I am indeed still keeping my promise of 10pm, latest 11pm bedtime. I do feel that time is definitedly will utilized, and I hope my skin will benefit from it too. Ha ha.

This afternoon was thunderstorm, with ear splitting thunder, I discovered that my dog too have the same fright as me. We both hate and fear thunder. =D Aww~ So now we have each other to comfort when the thunder and lightning strikes.

Updates

2011-06-04T22:06:00.002+10:00

Back from the movie.

X-Men is nice. Despite the fact that I had not watched any forms of x-men, I was not lost in the movie.

Haiz... I am constantly reminded of the person's existence. The things he said/do comes back in a flash, like a form of huanting. If only things turned out well... Sigh~

Updates

2011-06-04T22:03:00.000+10:00

Wee~ It is finally a day off my straight 6 days of morning shift, no mean feat.
For the first 2 days, everything was okay, subsequently I needed to bed at 10pm in order to wake up fresh and functional for the rest of the day. However Wednesday was late night for I went out chilling with my friends.
Currently I got this whole lot of things in my wish list, to do, to visit, to try, as if it is the end of the world. Ha ha, just a jest. I think this mood kinda kicks in whenever I recover from a "heart break" or upsetting event in my personal life. I needed things to rejuvunate me, to let me know that there are a lot more things that make me happier, and I can achieve without the particular person's presense. Yupz...
Anyway, I finally went to Timbre @ old school. Joanne had introed me the place ages a go, saying that it is above the hill next to The Cathay, which my other friends do not belief, I just had to go ther and check it out, besides there have been raving reviews by food bloggers! Foodie me definitedly gotta check it out.
We tried their Fish and Chips, Pizza, Sirlion Steak and fuscilli, and of course their beer. Photos are uploaded by my friends, so check it out if you can. Their fish and chips are good, the Fuscilli is bursting of flavor, their Sirlion Steak which was medium rare was thick and wasn't the highlight dish. I realised I have developed love for prenium steak ever since the kobe beef I tried in Japan. Damn, even wagyu beef I tried in the Korean bbq restuarant did not get a proper thumbs up from me. My wallet is going to break the bank infuture whenever I crave for red meat. xD Anyway I had the pizza, which I chose hald-and-hald which is 2 flavors, I got their beef with cheese, and the other with various cheese. I can't remember the names, but it is very yummy. Thin crust with the cheesy kick. Yumz yumz. We had Edninger beer, while one of us had lychee martini. Hmm, now I know how a 500mls of liquid running into my patients feels like. it is so much. OR rather I do really have a fancy for beer, thus it wasn't like a wonderful thing? I prefer beers with fruity flavors, ever since I tired those fruit beers my sister bought back from Europe, and of course Japan's. Is is Ashahi Black? Forgot. I just know my tastebuds are getting more expensive. I think I have to stay single in order to support my extravagent lifestyle, or get myself hook on a man with deep pockets, ha ha ha.
Ahem, jokes aside.
One more week to offical Staff Nurse status, so far I am enjoying my experience in labour ward. Ture there are mines to be careful not to step on, which is scary, however I am slowly learning the ropes. Getting the chance to take cases, prepare patients, and refresh my plug siting skills (wee~), preparing for neonatal resus, and the drills Sister has is very useful. We had a shoulder dystocia drill another day,m the the next day I encountered shoulder dystocia in one of Prof's patient.
"Break bed! McRober Manuveur! Sympyhis Pubis pressure! Push!Push! Code Blue! Call Peads!" Wah~ Exciting right? Than god for the drill, if not I will be helpless as a chicken, and useless as a fool. =D
I had kinda set a rountine for myself. Bed time at 10pm after the 9pm C.L.I.F drama. Wake up at 5am, pop in the Vit C, Vit E, Blood & Skin cleanser, EPO, gulp down lot of water, simple breakfast. So far with the adequae sleep my body had demanded I feel a lot more healthier. Not forgetting the 1 hr exercise incoporate after i returned from work after morning shift. Hmm, approx 5pm to 6pm. My body and skin will appreciate a timetable like this I hope.
Labour ward has that homely feeling, maybe it is the personalised locker, comfortable pantry, and a familar lot of people, I hope this good feeling will last forever. I am prepared for tumbles, but please dont snatch the happiness from me. I will keep on learning, and keep up the good work performance. Afterall I need the job satisfaction and the money~
What happens in future I have no idea. But what I am doing now, is to make sure I am happy, and will be happy. =)
Going for a date for X-Men movie, no sure if I will enjoy it, cross my fingers.
P.S: What should I do to a guy who is so persistent, yet my feelings for him as already faded lesser then more of an acquitance. -.-

Updates

2011-05-27T01:39:00.002+10:00

It has been an eventful experience working in SGH delivery suite for my OJT. I am just a mere few days old in labour ward and I feel pretty overwhelmed.

One piece of good news: I have achieved my 20 deliveries. I might be one of the first amongst the midwifery group, and it is apparent that it would become yet another hot topic to bitch about. The fact remains, and it is the core reason why I do not wish to annouce in any way public. I wish to avoid being in the unwanted limelight as much as possible, though it will soon begin again. I have only shared this piece of news to my mom and my "lucky star". I have no idea why I decided to tell Alan seriously. Several things have happened since he begin his new job, and I feel that the time we converse have been so minimal that I do know how distant or close we are now. He is forever saying that he is overwhelmed with his new job, busy with his emails, phone calls, client meetings, entertainment etc. I really do miss the times when he was in his previous job, where we began to know each other, the "feeling" of getting to know someone, and when he had time. Anyway he is one of my supporter during the time when everyone is in the frenzy of "20 babies target", cheering me up when I am down, accompanying me when I make my dreaded trips to NUH, supporting me when I steadily get my deliveries. He had not yet failed to congulate me when I got my 18th delivery, and of course my final 20th delivery. Thanks. I have no idea if he knew how much it meant to me, to have a friend who is sincerely happy that I have reached my target, and believed that I have no resorted to evil methods to earn it. If you happen to come across this post, I did like to tell you a big thank you for being a "loyal supporter". You may not know it, but it really meant a lot to me, yes you are my lucky star. I miss the times we used to have, where we had time for each other on the phone and even going out. I hope things will get better for you/us in future. Let's gambatte ne for our career. Ha ha.

That sounded really cheesy. However if you do not wish to make time for phone/meet ups, it can't be helped either.

Working in labour ward is no mean feat. So many seniors. A new environment. Even report writing is different. A close environment to doctors. I must really work on building a good relationship and rapport with the doctors. Learning the new ropes slowly, careful no to tread on the forbidden boundaries. An environment when the Nurse Manager mood is tempremental. Tasted a mild case of her temper, not fun at all. =.= Don't wanna have another heart attack again. I shall work hard, humbly, and earn their trust, recognition, and build my comptency in labour ward. Peeps cheer on for me. Labour ward is a battle field with a lot of hidden weapons, pray I will be safe and sound. =S

So far I have assisted in 3 caeceseran sections, and a few assisted consultant deliveries. Learning to take cord pH blood. Learning about baby's injection. IM vit k on right tight, hep B on left thigh. Learn how to give birth cert. Learn how to do postnatal feedback. (mumbles to self... what else eh..)

Anyway, I have learnt quite a few things, need to brush up on assisting in LSCS cases...

These few days have been thinking about getting a driving license, to keep myself occupied after work...

I have also been planning for an overseas trip to somewhere America/Europe either before end of this year, or next year before May. Need to start saving a lot sia.

P.S: Sometimes you need to truly put down somethings in order to recieve the new things that come along your way.

P.S: One of my wish has come true- complete 20 deliveries. Next is my job stablisation in labour ward. And also my love life. I pray they will come true also. =)

Peace & Harmony to all.

Updates

2011-05-24T01:10:00.002+10:00

Finally got to watch Macbeth, Shakespeare in the Park. Hmm, hope that next year there will be another Shakespeare play. I like the setting in Fort Canning Hill.

The place is kinda serene, is actually pretty accessible. Next time I will want to go there again with friends to explore the area, and even have picnic there. As the play is in the evening, we got there around 6.30pm, and saw the uber long queue. We thought that we are very much kiasu, but in fact, not quite Singaporean yet. 0.o

While waiting for the commencement of the play, we got ourselves a pretty good spot, central to the stage, thanks to a helpful staff. The people around us got their mats laid out and their picnic stuff. My god, I thought I was momentarily transported back to Australia... Those peeps actually have champagne, wine, fruits, salads, home cook food, pizza, cutlery etc... *jaw drop* And me with my miserable breads. On the lighter note, it is my FAVOURITE bread. Ha ha. From epidor, fococccia cheese and onion bread. =D It is super super yummy~ We gotta see the sun set, and it is really nice. There are some pictures taken from my friend's iphone, so go take a look. The sunset is really beautiful =D

I definitely wouldn't mind having a day out/date with friends/date with proper picnic stuff next time. Cummon peeps, bring along your mat, and potluck! Just don't hit there in the scorching afternoon, or dim and dark night. Worst, after a rain. ha ha.

Hmm, the play is really nice. You have to know the storyline or you did get lost with all the profound shakespeare era language. All the "thou", "shalt" etc language, explictly described and acted. Kudos to all actors, especially the 3 evil witches. The witches scenes are the best. I think they are very much the highlight with their "toil toil, double trouble" ha ha.

The play ended at 10pm, and everyone headed straight home to hit the pillows. Seating on the ground for 2 and 1/2 hours is no joke. Buttock pain, back pain.
Word of advice: Bring along cushions/pillows like some of the crowd did. If you come with your partner, borrow them for comfy use! Ha ha.

Some updates on my relationship/social life. Not much ups or downs. I think I can say the relationship with the guy is normalized now. My friend asked if he should apologise. What for? Giving me false hopes? I do not think it is needed. It will be more like an insult. I am pretty sure he was interested in me, but it is past tense, things happened along the way, feelings change, what is there to apologise? If he wants to apologise, then rediscover the feelings he had for me, is the better way.

The people I want in life, I do not get. The people I do not want, they persist in staying or even coming back.
Should I give a chance to a guy, who has feelings for me after so long, a year plus?
Should I give a chance to a guy who bores me, but is sensitive to the things I say and mention in passing?
Should I give a chance to a guy who reappears in my life after 4 years.

I want a guy who is mature and responsible. Who has the financial power to support himself, his needs, and me. I want a guy whose feelings is WHOLE, the past begones, and feelings for me alone. I am tired of guys who wants to date around as he is single, and even at dating is not monogamous. I want guys who can be decisive in relationships, you know who you like/love and go for it, people don't wait for you. Once it past, it will never come back. I want a person who can treasure me, protect me, be faithful to me, understands me, and is willing to stand by me, and trusts me. 24/7 leaches are not welcome. Even in relationship, everyone has a personal space, sticking by one another 24/7 is not healthy. I want someone who can add a bit of romance, so it will not be boring. Is humourous, not lame. Can be interesting enough to keep the conversation flowing, is someone whom I can open up to.

Is it too much to ask for? MeanwhileI will just forcus on improving myself, my intellectual, my personality, my looks, in order to match to my ideal match. Sounds crappy, but in case people say I am expecting a lot, at least I am also making efforts here. =p

Updates

2011-05-21T02:14:00.002+10:00

It is my 2nd day in LWD, and it is enriching, however I was feeling SUPER UNWELL, and the time just simply dragged.

Feeling giddy, and having cramps, having fever while standing there listening to labour ward orientation, and neonatal resusitire demonstration. I thought I could really faint there and then. =(

However it got slightly better, and I managed to do a few practice of breaking beds, and practice on setting up the neonatal resusitire in cases of emergency. Very important. It is crucial to know where the equipments are kept in order to function well, and remian cool and calm in cases of emergency.

After the day ended at work, I met up with my friends for makan session. Had korean BBQ at citysquare, and walked around. I wanted to get something to decorate my locker, maybe a signage or a toy, however I found none suitable. I saw something cute "Little princess on board", however it sounded rather bimbotic for a 23 years old to put this prominently on the locker thus I decided not to purchase it. Not wise to start on the wrong foot yea?

Anyway we wanted to catch a movie, hwoever it is a friday night and every where is damn pack. Pirates of the carribien 2 is out, however the tickets are selling fast till remaining front row seats, 4 meters from the screen. A 2 and a half movie session with neck cramping wasn't on my "to do" list espiecially when I felt relaly sick in the tummy, therefore we decided to find somewhere to chill instead. As the company wasn't keen on coffee, we decided to get a drink. Wanted to go Timbre, but we were unsure of the directions, thus decided to walk to Chjimes instead. =D

I have always been wanting to go Chjimes when I am of age. But either I am not yet of age, or not with the right company, or not in the mood, or just busy, therefore today I finally visited Chjimes and patroned Harry's. Nothing fancy, my friends got beer, I decided to try their Wine- Pink Elephant Rose, for the name sounded attractive. Cummon we couldn't be ordering blowjob and organsm right? Oh well, anyway played a single game of billard. And I am rather pleased and surprised at the same time that my billard skills are still quite okay. I thought that more than 3 years of no practice, and poor skills would render me a fool on billard table, however I still manage to get a few pool balls in. Not too bad yea?!

Ha ha. Alright, chilling out in a pub with the right company can be nice when not in the mood for coffee. =)

Yes, 4 more days to 30 days rule deadline. I am pretty much living and breathing without the guy's constant existence. He comes and he goes as he pleases, without affecting me like previously. I will not care too much, for I am not in the position either.

Updates

2011-05-19T20:37:00.002+10:00

Welcome to new environment.

One month in Labourward as student status, yet transition to prepare yourself to be a full fledge staff nurse cum midwife. It is going to be a tough process.

Yesterday I was reminded of my 30 days rule, I am 25 days down. Though I have been occasionally lapsing into the habit of thinking of the guy, I think I am making good progress of normalizing the relationship. I am not missing/thinking/expecting of him as much as before. It is very good progress. I have finally come into realization that it is really not the way to wait for something that is not going to happen. A guy who's life is messed up. A guy who is not decisive in relationship. A guy who seemed so superficial in judging a woman and own feelings.

I will put those unrequited feelings away. Forcus on myself. People have always been telling me, I am tall, I am intelligent, and I am pretty, what is not desirable of me? Bleah. Cummon I got "international features", and I am slim, I have academic qualifications, I have a unique personality, a sweet voice, surely when I start from myself (inside), I am sure the enhanced better me will shine and I will be a better person, happier, and bring happiness to people and my happiness will come. I will be very optimistic about this. =p

I always know that ladies go by heart, ladies are more emotional and they often require love to nuture any relationship(s). While guys can have sex without love, and sex is plainly a major requirement of their lives. But in the midst of rushing under the sheets, and making to the alter is definitely more then sex to wraggle COMMITMENT out from guys too.

Whatever it is, I have 5 more days into my 30 days rule, and I am going to treat him as a friend. A friend is someone whom you can speak your mind, without fears which you may/may not hurt his/her feelings. Friend is who will stay by you, and you wouldn't have expectations on them to meet up/call you/demonstrate concern for. Friend is where he/she gets attach will be a thing to congratulate on, and not sob into endless box of tissues. Friend is who you can be frank, yet have fun. Friend is where you build your foundation on.

My first day inlabour ward is FUN! I have participated in 2 LSCS, One is a twin and the other is a triplet.I am uber happy. I have learnt so much today. Learn the process in labour ward, learning the ropes, learning from the ground. Anythign I do not know I will ask. And I am learning to get to know the people there slowly. Today I learnt sending postnatal woman back to ward, handling LSCS cases, Handling issuing of birth cert to parents, assisting neonatalogist(s) in neonate resus and send babies to nurseries and high dependency wards. I have also assistedin epidural procedure, learnt about postnatal feedback session. I hope every day will be so good.

I aim to survive in labour ward. I will smile, be humble, be helpful, be nice, and blend in as much as I can. I hope they can accept me, and I will accept them, if not how to team work? Nursing depends a lot on team work. Wan Lin Jia You!

Gambatte ne~

I hope my wishes will come true.

Updates

2011-05-18T22:00:00.003+10:00

Last day of induction programme, however due to school commitments we are not able to stay throughout. Rushed back to School to host the exhibition, and to perform our dance.

It will put a full stop to my days as a student in NYP, my academic life. Sure there are ups and downs, full of stress due to studies and also interpersonal relationships. Those will be memories for my advance diploma days, now the next stress is back to SGH OJT.

So far the sister are kinda unplease with NYP's actions in planning out our work schedule etc. I hope it will not affect my life in labour ward in long term. I hope the wish I make at the Fourtain of Wealth will come true. And I also hope my birthday wish will come true.

Kudos to everyone who made the effort to make Midwifery class so outstanding. And thank you to the audience for being so sporting. It is so nice to hear compliments from my lecturer. Ha ha, she say I dance very gracefully. *blushes*

Maybe I am a little bit more lady like now eh? hehz. Okay jokes aside, I will continue to enhance my personality- be more cheerful, less stubborn, more gracious, magnomious, less hard on myself, smile more, more amicable, more attractive. Hahaha

Updates

2011-05-18T00:58:00.002+10:00

Back from the day out.

I am glad that the day end well, peace~

I got to thank my friend for planning the outing, even though it is his birthday. He has been very thoghtful to bring me to places which I mentioned I have not been too for a period of time, which had a couple of changes. Whenever I am stuck at work or study I always end up neglecting myself. Thanks

Been to Marina Bay Sands, and practically scoured every of each corner. I have found another walking kaki, only he is even more power than me. He can walk from his house to Orchard, Marina etc by foot, no matter if it is an hour's walk. =.= I doubt I will ever do such a thing under a scotching sun...

We went to Millenia Walk, Suntec, Marina Square, and had our lunch at the area.
I wanted to make a trip to the Fourtain of Wealth at Suntec, which he obliged. Heh, had the urge to make some wishes. I remember it has been probably a few years ago when I went to make a wish, and it sorta came true. Erm, I think I wished that my foreign friend will come over, and my studies complete with good results. Even though my foreign friend did come over, things had not turn out as expected, but it is actually a blessing in disguise, I am glad I had not "walked too close" with him though.=p And my studies did complete with results I am satisfied with. He he.

This time round I wanted to try my luck again. I wished that I can find a relationship I desire- Simple, and which he truly loved me, mutual feelings, and eventually will settle down. I wished I will complete my 20 deliveries soon, and I will have a relatively smooth transition to Labour Ward setting, and will not have conflicts with my new Ward sister. =)
I hope these wishes will come true.
*keep fingers cross*

I have no idea what my friend wished for, but whatever it is, I hope his wishes will come true too, especially it is his birthday ma, right? Hahz

Today I finally know where Marina Barrage is, for I told him I wanted to know how to go there, which he voluntarily offered to pass me pass to see the people kite flying. We could not spend time there as there isn't any parking slots, ha ha. Oh, and he showed me the jetty which people take ferry to Turtle Island, had not know they moved place.

Thereafter we went Dempsey Hill for dinner. Once again, I kinda feel gratedful for him, for without him I would not be able to check off the places of "I want to go" from my list, I have plans to visit dempsey hill and marina barrage for ages, but never had the opportunity, nor car. Oh well, because I have never been there he had been kind to bring me there, thank you my friend. Ha ha.

Anyway, the outing is not as horrendous as I feared.

I can't wait for my Macbeth on Sunday though. However I have no idea how to go Fort Canning Park, ha ha ha, die liao... Any directories available? =(

Anyway I hope my wishes come true. Currently I will not say there are any candidates if you were to ask me. I will just say, I want someone true, someone mature, responsible, someone whom I can connect and communicate with. Similarly I will not settle for less, nor settle for someone who can't offer me a wholesome feelings. I am not asking very much right? Ha ha.

I should really start looking for new things to learn- yoga? Driving? or some courses to enhance myself man... ANy suggestions peeps?

Updates

2011-05-17T13:53:00.002+10:00

I dislike it when there is miscommunication or lack of communication between school and hospital, ending up we, the students, suffer the most. The school says that sponsored hospital is responsible for assisting us in meeting the target, while the hospital claimed that they pay the school money, thus it is the school's responsibility not the insitutions responsibilities. I wonder what the hell both are doing.

I just hope when I work in labour ward, all will be peace. I expect scholings, miseries and grumbles, but I just hope it will all end well... * cross fingers*

Yesterday my cousin pop by to pass me the goodies he bought in Taiwan. One the other thought, it is okay not to travel overseas if there are people going overseas and buying me overseas goodies yea? Hehe. He bought an umbrella, and beauty diary facial mask in truffle chocolate, aleo and bird nest flavor. Haha. I love my cousin a lot. =D I am greedy I know =p But he is so nice to me...

Yesterday asked him to help me see my PC, as it is faulty, he said it is the mother board problem, and might even be virus attack. Sian lor. I don't intend to repair the mother board, because I have a lappie now, but I want the pictures and my past stories works there. God help me. He is using a spare mother board to help me see if it resolves the problem. Hopefully it will work. =(

Today will be going out to celebrate my friend's birthday. I wonder how will the day turn out. It is nice to know he had planned the day out, even though I am not sure where the hell we will be exactly going, just hope the day will end well, no hiccups, no awkwardness.

There is a phrase, "In order to move on, you move on to something new".
My friends have already berated me to being the silly chick in insisiting to wait and see how. It appears that even when I play the waiting game, playing the nice person, end up I am still waiting for null. End of the day he still doesn't come back, it still doesn't think of me, in the end of the day he may even be viewing me as a spare tyre or even the stupidiest person on earth.

I am trying my best to normalize everything, turn everything back to friendship, pure friendship. Seriously, anything that happen in future can't be predicted or forced. I do not want to end up hurting myself again, what I want is a simple relationship, not based on history, based on complicated things. Maybe one day when he finally let go, anything then on would be appropriate. Meanwhile I am just going to focus on the people around me. What happen will eventually happen, what's mine will be mine in the end. What's not, will eventually be not too.

Like the day out today.
Like the people I am going to meet in labor ward, the new doctors.
Like the friend I have not met for very lon since he came back from Japan.
Like the new people whom come into my life in future.

God, what I want is a simple life. I hate playing games of any form, in work; in relationship; in life. Maybe I am far too simple-minded, destined to be bullied. But happiness should be build base on something pure, not derived from methods that will hurt others, aint it?

Updates

2011-05-16T01:44:00.002+10:00

Today seemed to be a good day.

I got my 18th delivery, a baby girl. =)
2 more to go, I hope my lucky star will shine on me. All I wish for is no backstabbing, no quarrels, harmony and peace. All I want is peace, why is something so simple, yet so difficult to achieve?

After that I went on a date at east coast park.
I always felt that East Coast Park is stinky and boring. Have I changed maybe?
Usually only going there in the morning for breakfast, and a cycling session from 11 to 2pm, before hitting for the town's movie session.
It is my first time going there in the evening.
Went for Korean BBQ at Ju Shin Jung. I kinda like Korean food as they have side dishes, usually of kimchi, tofu, mash potato and spicy preserved marinated veggies. Yummy. Not very sinful, still healthy and delicious.
Their Kimchi is awesome, nic with the crunch, and spicy with the right hit.
Their mash potato is average, though I have tried better.
Any cold toufu is good. =D
They have a bean paste side dish with octopus, rather good too.
But the main, we have beef. One original, one marinated, and one wagyu beef. I like the original beef best. The best is having the freshest beef, and bbq it, and let its own juice wow you~
Their wagyu beef is so so, it isn't as good as the kobe beef I had in Japan, but of course you pay for the taste right? Ha ha

After dinner we went for a walk by the beach. Hmm, that was when it hit me. People walking their dogs, people in their tents, people cycling, people seating by the sea. Maybe it is by the sea, so the wind was strong. Standing there and letting the wind just blow past, carressing the cheek and messing up the hair, as you raise your arms and take a deep breathe. I felt so much better. If given a chance I would love to stand/seat there for a good 30minutes to clear my thoughts. Maybe I wouldn't mind going on a date there during twilight, seeing th sun set, when it is not hot, yet relaxing.

Walking by, seeing the night scene of the sea and the lights, is not a bad experience.

Sometimes when my mind goes on rest mood, I will inevitably break my 30 days rule and start missing the person. I am trying my best to normalise my thoughts. What's mine will be mind, and come back to me in the end. 30 days rule~

Updates

2011-05-14T13:12:00.002+10:00

It is 14 May 2011. And my month of May has been utterly terrible.

Terrible with relationship, terrible with people. And I finally broke down yesterday, it was the last straw.

On the positive side, I am telling myself, Success comes after failure. By making mistakes, and my falling down, I learn the hard way, and also how to deal with similar situations should it occur again.

Accepting feedback/critisicisms are one thing, but being emotional is another. I am always the cry baby, and once the flood gate opens, there is nothing to stop the dam from gushing out like madness. =(

I am so tired of acting strong. When can I truly be myself, and fall into one's arm and show the true me? Sigh~

Updates

2011-05-12T00:13:00.003+10:00

Can't wait for my OJD schedule to be out.

Very much tempted to watch Shakespeare in the Park- Macbeth...

Recently I am into listening to english radio songs, while reading books/newspaper. Another change, he he.

Going on my 30 days rule. Sigh... I will not say I succeeding in it, but I am trying. Going with the flow, but ...

My ankle is acting up occasionally, and I hate it.
My nose is itchy randomly, having the "itchynosia" at times, but I now doubt whether it is just allergens or someone is really missing me.

Marriage is like a gamble. Attached in the antenatal/postnatal ward in KKH, I have seen quite a number of domestic violence cases, or marriage with underlying marital problems. Mothers' torn apart between the marriage and the child. I wonder what must we do to keep the spark of marriage alive. If only life can be simple, have a everlasting love, where people old grow together hand in hand.

If only life is simpler. Relationships without games. Marriage without infidelity.

Updates

2011-05-10T01:15:00.002+10:00

Now is back to popping anti-histamines' season. =.=
I hate this!
Could it be ever since I walked home in the rain, and got a violent session of sneezes which lasted for 5 minutes, a mild bout of fever, and then occasional sneezes over the next few days and a random nose block?!
And it is allergy reaction again...
Please don't ask me what have caused it, I wish I know it. Why don't I just survive on plain water, okay green tea, and not eat anything cooked/preserved/with msg etc. =(

This afternoon was reading my book and listening to symphony 92.4FM. Bliss =D

Genie in a lamp, if you grant my wish, I want to watch Macbeth in the park!
It will be such a bore to watch it alone, but currently my schedule is not out to ask any of my non-artistic friends out to book the tickets. Genie... why don't you grant my little wish?

Missed out Adrian Pang's Shakespeare Play last year, kinda regretted, I gt no baby tooth to trade, how about seeing I have been pretty obedient with my 30 days rule, and you grant me my wish? =D

dream awakening

2011-05-07T14:38:00.000+10:00

What if the dream comes true in a certain form?

Updates

2011-05-04T18:49:00.002+10:00

I must have aggravated my injury yesterday when I exercised. It hurts again. And it is dance practice after work, and dance performance tomorrow. Hope everything will go smooth.

I am pleased for I have cleared my posting's presentations to the lecturer, now is assignment submission, research proposal beefing up and presentation.

I have now more time, more time to breathe.

I have very dissapointed in myself.
I am still on my 30 days rule. 9th day into it, my mind is pretty obedient, but my heart is still creating chaos. Sigh...

Constnatly having to prep talk, and rationalise things, and to make my plan reasonable for myself to accept.
I wonder why everytime I seek answers just to rub salt into my wound. I seek answers just to make myself feel upset.
Here I am learning to be optimistic, learning to be strong, there I am digging my own grave. Ironic right? Stupid right?
I feel like learning something new to occupy my life...

Haven he already told you very clearly that he has not forgotten his past? Hadn't he already told you he does not like you? Hadn't he told you he doesn't want to give you false hope? Hadn't him told you plainly it is not the time to discuss matters of the heart. hadn't he told you, he is simply focusing on my work, and such things are not even in his mind at all? Hadn't you told you he does not like, does not miss, and does not feel that you are special in any way? He may have told you before he is interested, he may have asked if things go on would we end up together, he may have said he would miss talking to you, he may have said all the things that make you attracted to him, but that is apparently not what he is thinking now. Apparently things have changed, feelings have changed, and now everything is negative. Why are you still holding on. WHy are you still thinking? Why can't you just carry on as if nothing has ever been mentioned or happened before? Why are you so pathetic? Why make your life so miserable? The earth still turns, your life still goes on. How hard it is, you still have to do it. What is not meant to be, is not meant to be yours in the end. Stop lying to yourself. Besides you have known each other for less than half a year, don't be so silly. Wake up lass. Stop being stupid, silly, and being an idiot!

Update

2011-05-02T11:55:00.002+10:00

Setting a new goal for myself

1) Let go of the past and move on
2) Move on from what I am now, and change to be a better person
3) Quit being so domineering and stubborn
4) Grow up and be more mature
5) Read up on more emotional intelligent books, build the confidence and leadership skills, I gotta need it when I get back to my workplace
6) Forcus on changing myself, my outlook on myself, for change start from the inside!

Remember "Who moved my cheese". Welcome the change, for change is inevitable. Changes occur everything, and by being positive about change, you become a happier person. Be more optimistic.

Understand that I do have to fall hard, fail at certain things and learn from the mistakes. Learning to stand up and learning from mistakes. Accepting guidance.

I had not realise I am still pretty much stuck in a rut, with so much burden currently with me. That is so uncalled for! Cummon gal, I know you can do so much ebtter then this! Pollyanna spirit! Go go go~

Shine that big smile from your heart, uninhibited, carefreely. I realise it has been awhile since you shine the sweetest smile on earth without feeling so self-concious. It's time to move on babe. Be happy about yourself!

Meaningful song lyrics

2011-05-02T01:23:00.002+10:00

Heard this song, and thought the lyrics is pretty good. =) Kinda meaningful.

倔強的以為我真的能改變你
看你裝無辜的眼神
我很窒息
難道你沒有看見
看見我對你的好
還是你忘了那些數不清的愛情軌跡
你說我傻傻在愛上只懂愛自己的人
我說你傻傻在愛他你的眼睛騙不了人
我們都傻傻在為一段沒有未來的愛情付出
還在期待會有奇蹟出現
你說我傻傻在愛上沒有感情的分身
我說你傻傻在愛他就固執的奮不顧身
我們都傻傻在寧願被犧牲也不願意放棄天真
還在期待會有奇蹟出現
(重複※)
誰沒有為愛做過傻事
繼續溫習我會
諷刺也無所謂
我說我傻傻在愛上沒有感情的分身
你說你傻傻在愛他就固執的奮不顧身
我們都傻傻在寧願被犧牲也不願意放棄天真
還在期待會有奇蹟出現
還在期待會有奇蹟出現

Updates

2011-05-01T23:05:00.002+10:00

End of SCN attachment. Now another 2 weeks of antenatal, postnatal attachment and I am out of KKH, good news, bad news.

Good news: I will back in labour ward, and see if I can catch up my balance 3 deliveries. I am closer to my colleagues.

Bad News: I can't wake up at late hours for SGH is not a doorstep away. It is a new environment, where I am expected to deliver the high standard of care I have always been taught. Not much a student, yet not much of a staff nurse again.

My sister may be going on a Hong Kong trip this August. Or should I just go on a December holiday?

This few months have been very eventful. I hoped for a good March, and things have indeed happened. Though nothing much I can say here, I would say it have stirred my life to a point of topsy turvy.

Academic wise, so far so good. I am soon, slowly achieving my midwife's dream. I am nowhere in my attempt to find a suitable match during my school days. Who says when I go to school, I will be more free to start dating? xD I am inf act more busy, I have been complaining how little time I have for socializing. Lolz.

How I wish I have like a long break from everything and just go somewhere, immense in something new, and come back refresh. What a wishful dream.

7 days since 30 days countdown. Slowly I am making myself less miserable, though not quite successful yet. Learning to be more positive, and less stubborn on things I can't change. However these attempts come with a price. To sweat it out, be busy, be happy need sacrifices.

7 hours of dance moves, to dance to "dancing queen", "jaiho", sexy bollywood choreograph dance moves got me with a sprained ankle. I hope I will be able to perform this May 5.

I wonder the remaining 23 days what will occur?

I still lapse into moments of being vulnerable. I know I am not strong, but I need to learn to be.

I would greatly appreciate a beautiful day off and seat down somewhere where I can sort out my thoughts in peace, pick out the bothering negative stuff in my heart, arrange my feelings proper and face the world anew.

Updates

2011-04-28T14:11:00.003+10:00

Met up with Joanne for our Korean dinner yesterday. It is always nice meeting up with her, she is my makan buddy, and also someone who shares equal passion in life. However I admire her tons, she has the looks and she has the emotional intelligence which I always sought advice from. SHe is someone I did turn to when I am stuck int he mud and wondering what I should do. I adsmire her outlook of life.

Yesterday she enlightened me over dinner. When devil give you lemons, make lemonade. Lemons are sour, so why suck on them and be tortured? We shouldn't be fixated and over stubborn. Sometimes it pays to be flexible and take things as it comes. Have a more positive outlook of life, and view the things happening as it is, rather than a negative experience. Why do some people always smile even though irritating patients are screaming at their faces? Why do they seem unruffled no matter how busy or bad the situation is? Shouldn't we look out to thoase people? Hmm, we should right? Instead of busying around, making yourself and people around you miserable, we should just stay calm, be at peace with oneself.

I told Joanne I wish for an escapade, go away somewhere, to start afresh. But she say, no matter why I run to, the troubles will still huant me, and that is true. People, things, situations I avoid will huant me, as I have never attempt to solve them, by pushing them aside wouldn't solve the problem, everything will start from inside me, only when I sort out myself, my thoughts clearly I will be able to start truly afresh, locally or overseas. Thank you gal for giving me wise advices.

Since I set the 30 days from 24 April, let's continue from there. I shall slowly change from the inside. Things that happened has happened, let's just start anew. This time round I will not make the same mistakes. Indeed I have made a fool out of myself, thought too much, read too much into things. I have suck ont he lemons and made myself feel so sour, I should be making lemonades. Let's keep things the way how neutral it may be. Is this being a bo cham attitude? It is more like, going with the flow I suppose?

I aim to make lemonades.
Rather then pushing for something, I rather wait for the things to come to me. "chuan dao qiao dou, zhi ruan zhi"
If I have ruined or destroyed things due to my past actions, at least I know in future, I will do better.
Wan Lin understands that she makes mistakes, yet understands better that she needs to learn from mistakes.
Monday is a PH... maybe morning I will visit the mount faber or east coast park to come in peace with my soul, and continue my assignment on the afternoon and evening?
Need to find kakis now.
Oh my Sister is now overseas, hmm... another perfume? Hehe.

Updates

2011-04-26T22:21:00.002+10:00

I am getting Lazy. Totally no mood during attachment. Dragging my feet and waiting for the hours to pass. Not that I do not put my heart and concentration at work, but the energy level is just not optimal.

One week in nursery is fun, getting more in touch with my maternal instincts. I was weary with al the screamins and cries of the babies, calling them the "orchestra has begun". Either busy feeding the hungry babies 3 hourly or busy changing their nappies, cleaning their poo and wee. How interesting... The staff working there are rather nice, and they have the privellege to have the radio on which makes work more enjoyable. Listening to music in the background as you see the red chubby faces staring at you while you feed them.

This week I am attached in special care nursery. The babies are sicker, and mostly smaller as they are premature or sick. Instead of the constant cries echoing throughout the room, it is the constant beeping of alarms, as you can't help but wonder which of the lots are actually beeping. Instead of a 15 minutes feeding per infant, it is at least 20 minutes and max 1 hour. 0.0 Seriously, the teeny weeny angels to the huge monsters that trash in your arms and refuse to drink. =.=

Just completed preliminary round of research proposal presentation today, I feelk that we did quite well, not that we have high expectations. At least things went smoothly and we weren't bombarded like crazy. Thank you sir for defending us during te question and answer. We truly appreciate you speaking up for us. =D Thank you Ms. Cynthia for being present to support us during the presentation. I feel glad that at least our work is being supported, recognized. =D Not sure of the results, oh well, I relaly hope we do not end up doing posters, as it will involve yet another tedious time spend on research, which we dread. lol.

My friend has surprised me with a compliment. Saying that I handle things dainty like a lady, very gentle. Ha ha. I shall take it as a compliment, but I am still clumsy like nobody's business. Often having to keep myself in check not to slip and fall or run into the pillar. I almost boarded the wrong direction esclator this morning. That is how clumsy and embrassing it is.

Thank you my friends for your support, comfort, motivation as well as critique throughout this course. We all learn from mistakes, we thrive from learning. I believe as we age, it is a constant life-long process. We will have our downs, we will fall, we will encounter the dark days and we will shed tears and have heart broken with our hopes dashed etc... But still we have to stand up again, either by pure will or with the help from others. I thank people whom give me their support, and steady belief in me. Without your faith in me, I probably wouldn't be who or where I am today.

We get emo, because we have emotions, that's human. I am sensitive, I am vunerable, I am not afraid to admit, but I am afraid to show it, often hiding behind the facade of being strong and confident. Perhaps more than other people, I need to be showered with love, I need hugs, I need comfort, and I seek for love from family, friends and loved ones. When I am down, I need a shoulder to cry on. When I am upset, I need a listening ear. When the thunderstorm comes, I need a reassuring warm hug. When I am alone, I am reassured that there is someone who is thinking of me, and treasure me. Everyone needs love.

What happens when people fall out of love? We learn from the mistakes we move on. Can we forget our past? It appears not, for it is etched in our memory, somewhere in a dark place, the huanting memory no matter how bad it is, still exist. I remember a phrase which comforts me, when you are hurt, feel hurt, allow yourself to feelt he emotions, because it is part of you, like the emotions, let the memories fertilize your growth. They are always not a bad thing, it is a manner of perspective. If you can't forget a person, don't forget then, but the feelings will fade, perhaps will change as years go by. Moving on to a new life is forgiving yourself, and others. We are allowed to have emotions, everyone have their past and memories. We all have people whom we can't forget, there are lots of people whom I dislike and I can't forget. I can't forget my bestfriend who severed our friendship tie by vulgarly criticising me till I am dirt, I can't forget my ex-boyfriend whom I truly loved before yet hurt me deeply, I can't forget the guy who cheated on my feelings through and through, I can't forget experiences that left me wounded, and thrown to the corner.

Constantly I ask myself, why do things change whenever I develop feelings for people I care for? Why do things always have to change when I wish they stay the way it is? Is it something wrong with me? Am I that un-lovable? Un-desirable? un-approachable? Am I that pathetic? Why can't I have the happiness that belongs to me, simple, sweet and unassuming just like what my friends can have? Why must I always be the odd one out?

I am tired of being treated hot and cold, being blown off, being ignored, being talked about, being forgotten.

I am asking a question to myself, "What must I do so that I can achieve the happiness that belongs truly to mine?" Have a group of unassuming friends, have a nuturing working environment, have a warm, uncomplicated family, meet the person whom I can safely fall head over heels with and know I am being treasured, loved, missed etc.

God, I need you to stop playing tricks on me.

One day... when I turn bogus, I may unwittingly destroy everything I have right now.

30 days

2011-04-25T01:47:00.004+10:00

30 days MAX!
30 days starting from 24 April.
Wan Lin, 29 days more.
Waiting is an agony, try putting yourself into the shoes. It is like waiting for rain in a drought. Especially waiting without a definitive answer, makes me feel utterly pathetic.
You did say 用平常心去面对, 顺其自然, 看开一点. I will try, Constantly self-prep talking. But you did know the side effects of putting aside the emotions is the numbness and gradual letting go. I did complain, joke about it, talk about it, but to no avail, I am not trying anymore.
Finito~

To Share

2011-04-20T23:11:00.002+10:00

人一生中若能找到情有独中的对象，能找到你爱她，而他爱你并是一件幸福的事。重要的在于＂独＂，为有彼此的相遇，珍惜，爱情才能永久。

Came across this phrase today, and I find it really meaningful, thought I did post this, for my personal reference too.

People out there have you met the right one yet? Perhaps when you meet the person whom you turly care for and love, do cherish the moment, the person, and do not let him/her go. It is not easy to find true love, one may not even find the true love in his/her lifetime. Love needs a lot of time to nurture, so do not take things for granted. Strike it when it is hot, don't regret till it slips away, it will never come by again.

Have you yet met the person whom you have deep feelings for? Why not take this chance and spread the love? May people have a sweet experience of their life time. And may love come knocking on my door soon.

Peace~

Work updates: It is an irony when other people can see the conflicts happening within us. What is all the fight, competiveness for? What's the glory, recognition for something you do not benefit much, or when it is claimed not to affect you? Why make your life, and other's lives difficult? When we choose not to comment, it is not because we agree with your actions, but rather we are not interested in the endles debacle. In the end of the day, to go the long route or shorter route, it is your choice. May things turn out well. It is just studies afterall. I wish life is simpler. Human beings are simpler. Less lateral violence, more harmony, more peace-loving.

Updates of insanity

2011-04-19T11:59:00.003+10:00

It takes 30 days to make or break a habit. Gimme 30 days of cold turkey to get over something. Maybe when 30 days strike I would be numb once again.

Have I lost the innocence towards babies, especially children? Where have the over flowing of motherly instinct went to? Used to gush and coo endlessly over the shrieking babies, now I would call them angels when they are peacefully sleeping in their cot or giving that innocent gaze, otherwise they will be monsters once they start crying their lungs out in glory, one and one the little ones will be starting yet another orchestra. I wonder how people get use to this, I did probably go bonkers if asked to work in nursery 24/7. Hmm...

Work work work. We work to gain knowledge, expertise, now I work with an additional motive, I aim to work till my mind is no long preoccupied with ideas and thoughts that threaten to overtake my sanity. ~~I am not acting like myself, have to stop bearing expectations. When will I truly attain the "no expectations", so I will not be affected by dissapointments and negative emotions.~~

I am very much inclined to turn on the turtle mode. As in shut myself into the shell, the strong facade is just a facade. I am really just a tofu, a sensitive person with desires, needs and wants like people out there. Not everytime I am okay, not everything it is fine, not everytime I am happy. But in order to make people happy, I have to be understanding to place their needs before me. At times it feels suffocating, I am getting helpless. Maybe tiredness will tune those all out. Close my eyes and let myself go.

I am just a girl, maybe I am not grown up yet.

Diary

2011-04-17T22:47:00.002+10:00

Dear Diary,
I am feeling a mixture of emotions. I do not feel unhappy or upset, maybe a little confused? It is a dull aching feeling, though it isn't something serious. Perhaps by typing this you may feel that I am not yet over with my past relationship, but I did still want to get things off my chest.

My ex-boyfriend is attached. Nothing too bad a news, however I wonder why does he not change his status, only the lady. The lady is on the plump side, yet, has a sunny bright smile. He looks happier now, I hope he stays that way.

The lass seemed to mingle well with his brothers, and knows how to cook. I hope this time round he will treasure her well though. I just felt strange for he had strongly stated that women on plump side is not his type. Even when I started putting on weight he wasn't exactly very pleased. Maybe it is true, people change as they go up, especially after the tough patch we both went through, lots of things in our life change drastically...

I kinda still remember the attempts to learn to cook just for him. Learning to make simple dishes and make a bento for his work. Those were the days. He still cook better then me, but oh well... Maybe for majority of the guys, food is the way to a man's heart, and I will never be able to achieve a wonderful job on that...

Congrats to him, and the relationship last for the couple.

What about me though? I have finsihed my academic school life, and 2 months more to enjoy my Saturday and Sunday off, and I am still status quo. I am not implying that I am desperate, just the fact that once work starts my hectic life begins, maybe I should relaly start planning for my overseas job venture. Driving license, learning how to cook, learning to get use to watching movies alone, going for long walks alone. Probably the life here isn't cut out for me? Probably there is something wrong with me eh? xD

Clinical attachment starts tomorrow.
18, 19,20 APril 1-9pm, KKH Ward 34 Nursery
21 April 7-3pm, KKH Ward 34 Nursery
25-27 April 7-3pm, KKH SCU
28,29 April 1-9pm, KKH SCU
3-4 May 7-3pm, KKH Ward 34 Antenatal
5-6 May 1-9pm, KKH Ward 34 Antenatal
9-11 May 1-9pm, KKH Ward 34 Postnatal
12-13 May 7-3pm, KKH Ward 34, Postnatal
I want to squeeze in time for movies, hendersonwave walk, meet ups with Jia yi, Joanne, Racheal, Serene, ward people etc...

How will my life be starting tommorrow?

Pondering....

Sunday update

2011-04-17T20:19:00.002+10:00

It is a lazy Sunday, nonthing much for updates, except that I met up with my cousin before he sails in order to pass me the past photos he have taken. Well, for new photos do keep an eye out for updates on facebook. Hmm, it is strange to see how one have change over the years, be it more fat/skinny or having shorter/longer hair, and how one's features have "evolved" over time, ha ha.

We met up for lunch, and walked around, and had drinks at Spinelle while we catched up on our old times. I had no idea when I was young I forced him to play barbie doll with me, ha ha, how the hell he remembered that? Must have been a torture for my poor cousin, he he. Anyway we window shopped around, and he gave me a crash course on cuff links, linking to how ladies dress up with make up and jewelleries, while Men dress up with cufflinks. Interesting eh? Ha ha.

Our final stop is at Precious Thots. Aww man, the outlet at Cityhall have a freaking huge figurines display! So many nice figurines, be it precious moments, or disney's collection. I am pretty much in love with their peterpan's disney collection, their tinkerbell figurine, the sleeping beauty precious moment's figurine and a few more. if I have my own house next time, I want to have them in there =D Uber nice!!! If only they belong to me, I need more money =(

Updates

2011-04-16T22:17:00.002+10:00

Consecutive updates, I must have been very free, yes indeed. I usually do 2 weekly updates or once monthly, but making good use to my free time, I am gotta update my blog before it begins its unpredictable length of cobweb accumulation again.

Today is Saturday, however it did not went as planned. Joanne ended her friday's shift work feeling super tired, so we postponed our Henderson wave nature walk to another day (yet to plan). Oh well, Felt very dissapointed, as I was really in need to take a long walk and get close to nature's calling.

Woke up this morning and showered my dog. It is not a very frequent sight to see me bathing Toto, for I am either busy with assignments/exams/working/outside somewhere early like cycling. So... Yupz =)

I wonder if you could say it is a blessing in disguise for the Detangler spray I bought for Toto on 2April at Suntect actually malfunctioned. The pump dislodged and the entire contents went spraying all over the bathroom floor, on me and Toto. I almost got hysterical, fearing the chemicals will get into both our eyes, thankfully it did not. Oh well, rung up the retail store and the guy kindly agreed for an exchange. At least I did not waste my money on a faulty product. Hmm.

Bathing Toto is a tough job,m it took approximatedly 3 hours to get him done, before I could shower up nicely and rush down to Suntec. Since none of my friends are free, and I wasn't keen to shop around alone, I grabbed my usual fix from Spinelle- San Franciso's Spin and begun my walk home. Afterall I was deprived of my walk at Henderson, I figured I would take the long 45mins-1hour walk back to my residence instead. =D Even though the drink was not great, the guy either got the wrong proportion of the espresso or milk wrong, it tasted like latte, and latte isn't exactly my cuppa kaffe. xD Oh well, nonetheless I felt good, getting in tune to my own body, ignoring the crowd of life, enjoying the scenery, alone, strolling the streets did help boost my spirits a little =D The weather wasn't that bad, it was cloudy initially and rather cooling from my ventureof suntect to little india, until the sun started shining and I perspired like hell when I got home. Hmm, form of destress yea?

Determined to sweat out more, I did the house chores, and had another 35 minutes of exercise, now my shoulder muscles are aching =.=

It has been a simple, interesting, well spent day though. Carefree, strolls, is healthy for my soul and personal well-being. ha ha ha

Continued~

2011-04-16T01:58:00.002+10:00

Alright, after much suffering from the immediate aftermath of Roller Coasters, I am finally back, slightly more fit to update my day out with my fellow midwifery-ians to-be.

It has been an enjoyable outing on the whole. Our group together with our beloeved Lecturer has made it happen, and without them, I wouldn't have been able to break my record either. Oh well, let's start from the beginning.

We had breakfast in Toast Box at Food Republic, deciding that we wouldn't starve ourselves nor stuff ourselves till the brim where we might perform the stunts of merlion. xD Finally when everyone of us gathered, we made our trip to Sentosa- USS. One stop away, and making a rackus. Busy taking photos, chit chatting, I bet the monorail are staring at us. Buahahaha. Oh well, what a coincidence we realised that the Ortho Adv. Diploma students are also there. So we were joking and say that people in USS that day is in pretty much in safe hands. Lest any broken bones or delivery cases, confirm, confirm, double confirm, no problem xD. Okay that is just the start of the craziness. =p Went for a warm up by visiting the special effects, viewing how do hollywood manage to film movies with the aid of special effects. I wonder why do they not change their theme, cause it is always the same =( Hurrcane number 4. A little bit of the downer for it is the second time, but this time round we were in the first line, where they name it the "flash zone", which we got caught neatly by the water. =.= First water splash of the day. Did I fail to mentionI was already feeling unwell the day before?

Next, the girls decided that morning is the best time to catch those rides, before the crowd beat us to it, we hit the outdoor rollercoaster. There is 2, Human and Cylon. Human is the red coloured roller coaster, which has the scariest sudden drops that I cried in midst of the ride, and walked out feeling light-headed. Majority of the brave gals proceeded with Cylon which is the blue outdoor rollercoaster ride, comprising of more 360 degree turns. The mere view of the twirls got me feeling nauseated, and thus backed out of it. According to the others, it is more fun then scary, however I am not sure I will have the guts to enjoy Cylon. xD

After which we went to take the indoor Mummy's Rollercoaster. I went with my bestie in USS, and my virgin rollercoaster experience was given to it, ha ha, sound so wrong, oh well, my friends were all determined to cure me of my reluctancness, even my lecturer was "pulled" along to join us. Our lecturer said that her children told her not to "take the pyramid rollercoaster ride", in our insistence to proof them wrong, she have to take ti prove," Mummy did it". Brave ms. Susan, ha ha. Yea, we survived it, perhaps it is my 2nd time taking the ride, maybe it was the warm up by Human, this time round the ride felt pretty much less scarier.

Our next stop was the canopy trail, from ground level, it looked pretty harmless, it fact we were under the impression that it would be a "stroll in the sky", enjoying the scenery. God knows once strap up, and the engine started the ride was speeding so fast that we were totally caught off guard, and were screaming, "What the hell?!" ha ha. What an experience.

We went for lunch at Goldilocks, and had fried chicken. According to my friend, USS is the only place with Goldilocks, and in her opinion it is even better then Texas. I have tried Texas Chicken, Popeye, KFC and Goldilocks. Texas chicken are smaller when compared to Popeye, but more cheesier and fuller in flavor. Popeye is nice, its chicken is tender and succulent, and its gravy for mash potato seemed to have minced meat in there, different from the usual brown sauce. KFC's chicken is clearly out of the charts, its chicken is obviously unfresh, refridgerated, and getting smaller in portion which pricer then before, unworth I would say. I do not like chickens with their "pink" flesh or red "veins" staring in my face. Goldilocks chicken is crispy, and they manage to keep up with the floods of people, which is not a mean feat. Its dough has more spicies and flavourful, more crumbs too. It really depends on personal preferences. =D

While we were having lunc, it has started raining, and the downpour got heavier, so subsequently we got drenched (Second water splash) and went to watch 4D Shrek. It is fun. The seats are pretty much similar to the ones I experience in Alan's office, the moving stimulators (not sure of their name), witht he aid of the special 4D effects, and the real life"sneezing", "spider attack", it is very fun. AFter watching Shrek, we wanted to go watch Water works, and got armoured with Ponchos, however as the gals were busy purchasing stuff for their children, a few others including myself waited outside, and was literally caught under the menancing downpour (Third water splash).

To our dissapointment, Water works and Banana Boat ride were closed as it was thunderstorm and lightning, they fear of the voltage and electrical interferences. Which is how we ended up with our 2nd and 3rd Mummy's Roller Coaster ride. We were surprise to find that the rain had send people away, we were pretty much expecting them to crowd into the indoor activties, and fearing of the scary queues, preparing ourselves mentally for at least a good 30 minutes wait. But less then 5 minutes we were up to each ride. ha ha. Yes, that is also how I slowly got a little better after which rides, should be only with "Mummy's indoor roller coasteR", I can't vouch for other thrills, ha ha.

After the rides, the gals did their shopping again. Since there were nothing much that caught my fancy, we decided to stay outside while waiting for the others, not wanting to congest up the shop space. And yes, I felt like a clost child, singing to myself under the rain for a good 45 minutes maybe? 5 of us seat under the statues, watching the corwd, as the rain drop splatter around us, drip drip dip, and me seeing the lightning flashing beyond my eyes. Damn, I was controlling so hard not to scream and hug the nearest soul in fright =( (Four water splash). After the wait we gathered in the cafe, which was close to 6pm then. Another round of craziness, while I was slowly feeling headache and ill. Was commented to be feeling pale, and being steadily quieter. Nothing escapes their eyes, lolz. Thank goodness, our last stop was the Hollywood Cinema experience- Monster Rock, where live musical performance begins their last show at 6.15pm. I wouldn't say it is fantastic, but it is nice overall. It is the power of group, you get influenced thwn others are feeling cheery, high and good. =D Afterwhich is was shopping time... By the time I was already pretty much tired.

Had a brief chat with my Lecturer that day. Hmm, she commented that I have the intellectual, however lacking in the EQ area, the ability to protray confidence with crowd, which I kinda agree. However I told her,m I fear of appearing too confident, but others will comment that I would be arragont and stuck up, which she begged to differ. She said that with activities like roller coaster rides, outdoor stuff, and help to build one's confidence etc. And subsequently that night one of my friend commented a similar thing. Hmm, being homely has its pros and cons. Being an introvert has its disadvantages. Must I really sought for the night life, and thrills just to boost up the confidence? It is not that I do not have the ticket to the "wild", it is just that I thought I should preserve this side to me to stay who I am. Is it wrong or am I just being too afraid to be out of comfort zone? I tasted a moment of wildness, partying and drinking, dancing, not my cuppa tea. I pushed my limits to 4 roller coaster rides, and end up seeing doubles, feeling giddy, dizzy and headache, accompanied with upper body muscle aches, is it really worth it? Must I really change? Mayhap a little, I agree, but if you wish for me to change, why couldn't I say I am waiting for someone to just accept me as the whole package.

Speaking of it, a random phrase flash through my mind. Loving someone and accept the person, for its good, bad, imperfectness, will seem as perfectness. No one is perfect, I do not seek for the perfect person, I seek for someone perfect for me, the right fit, is that so hard for people to accept people for who they are what they are? Just a random thinking.

My friend had read my entry, and commented that I seem to be "complaining, and speaking ill of him". Should I be saying all this? Do not I have the right to say my thoughts? If he cannot accept, he has the freedom to not read it... This is a place where I comment on things, and speak my mind, filtered or unfiltered. if I would want to say things filtered here, i will need another arena to vent out unfiltered stuff... =( Rereading what I have written, I felt that what I wrote was more of a self analytical point of view, I said the good and the bad. Haiz... Am i being overly sensitive, or maybe he can't stand my nonscence...

Went out shopping today, strangely I saw some things that I thought suited him and bought them. He said it is weird, I agree. I do feel weird too. What on earth am I thinking... Am I Bothering too much into his things, perhaps I am crossing his comfort zone. Damn. If you are reading things, perhaps you could advise me on what should I do. Maybe I should be staying away? After I am pretty good with running away, I am famous for being a Turtle afterall. If you say so, I will do so. So... what do you think?

Oh well, till he see what I bought then...

Updates

2011-04-14T22:37:00.002+10:00

This may be the only 4 days where I am truely free without extracirriculum commitments, thus I really hope to spend them well.

Firs stop was Universal Studios. Our midwifery group, except Fit and Suhainah have come together to enjoy a day out. I was contemplating on the rollercoaster ride as I have not been feeling very well, slightly fever, even now as I am typing this I am feeling giddy, wobbily, and dizzy. My world is like topsy turvy. Dammit.... Taking deep breathes.... I will continue this entry on a later time when I am feeling better...

Updates

2011-04-14T00:17:00.003+10:00

Wee, it is the end of examinations torture.

There is nothing bad about studying, it is always about life long learning, especially when you are learning something you have passion about. However it is the endless mugging, cramping and rushing for assignments and examinations that make time passes too slow at the moment, and flies when it is coming to the end.

Probably it is the bottle neck feeling I get from schooling, I will admit I barely have the mood to properly study. Basically I would say I have been reading and understanding what are the notes, rather then memorizing. I can't absorp every little details and this sucks. Trying to explain in your own language, and trying to explain base on your experience? Yes that is quite what I have been doing.

Suffering from mild insomnia for these few weeks, currently resorting to aromatherapy to relief the symptoms. Lavender and teatree oil scent together with the mild whirling of the "machine" kinda sooth the soul. Research had stated that babies sleep sounder with music that mimics the uterine sounds or wave sounds, maybe I sleep better in similar conditions? I simply hope I do not have to revert to the days where I take piritons in order to sleep like previously.

I cannot say how well I will fare this time round, especially for my Advance Midwifery practice 2. It is a 4 months worth of notes, measuring at least 2 inchs tall, and I only got 1 1/2 days to read and absorp them. Even though I had been doing reading of Myle's teztbook reguarly, but it is just reading, not exactly memorizing, thus the 2 inch of notes was practically served a a "turn-off". I confess I was alternating revision with slacking. The utmost concentration was lost even though I feel like cat on hot bricks, part of me is rejecting the notes self-conciously. That is how bad it is. For this module I have been scoring my kitchen for snacks, chocolates, and tid-bits in order to statisfy the craving and make myself concentrate, i dread to know if i have put on any weight there. Ha ha. Oh well, I just realised we hardly have ice cream at home for some time, and last month was one of the rare months we had chocolate, and the only bar of chocolate available was devored half by me. Sigh... Stress make me lose self-control.

In fact stress make me do silly things. Alternating between studies, I was dancing waltz, doing stretching and balancing stuff. Twirling circles on tip toes, dancing with an imaginary partner, thank god there isn't a human soul witnessing my stunts except Toto. =.=

Today is Wednesday, marking the temporarily end of torture. I left one critical incident reflection assignment of 1.500 words due at May, and 2 months of attachment. Besides that I have tons of extra cirriculum things to do. Midwives have been strangely selected for various activities, what an honour and a hassle at the same time. On the 5 May, we are celebrating International Midwives' Day, and we have a 30mins slots for performance at Mount Alvernia Hospital Lecture Hall from 4 to 4.30pm. Anyone interested, please sign up with Singapore Nursing association. We will be doing a dance and drama skit. It has been so long since I acted, not sure what role I am going to end up with oh well.

On the 26 April, my research group will be presenting on our Research Proposal tot he big shots in School, while in May we will be presenting a speech or poster presentation. What an honour, but extra work. (Notice the grumbles and rambles?)

On 18 May, Midwives will be presenting Cervical Cancer presentation in conjunction to create awareness of NYP Women's Health Clinic to the ENTIRE NYP population. And I am in the logistics side, will be learning what the hell logistics does besides packing gift packs and shifting of chairs and tables.

On 23, 30 May, 6 April, Midwives will be opening Women's Health Clinic and offer free health check ups to NYP students.

Remember in my previous posts, I aim to be very involved in school life, because my degree education was practically work-school-home with no facaulty university life like green lawns, library and chilling out with soroity life style? Okay, blame me for wishing, and I get what I wish. Presentation, exhibition, dance and drama. There goes my free time after attachment. I still want to meet up my friends after work for a meal, coffee and movie. God forbade, perhaps squeeze in a few ME time?

I am desperatedly needing a few ME time currently. In fact, I want to "retreat" to the nature. I am yearning for long walks in parks, go to Henderson waves and conjure the entire journey under the hot sun, explore a few parks maybe, stroll along Singapore River, walking from Esplanade to Clark Quay, Boat quay, Fullerton and enjoy the night breeze and scenery? I want some peace, self reflection time, time to put down my stress, a way to let down my guard, allow my facade of pretending to be strong and 24/7 confident and happy down. Oh man, cycling sessions, makaning sessions, movie sessions, chilling in cafes, submerge around the books. Call me eccentric, or whatever, this is the lifestyle I sought for, and miss.

Perhaps will be pulling my dear cousin along, and ask him to accompany me when I get crazy. Ask my friend to ccompany me when I need to reflax. Or even take the long walk way home so I can people watch, and get in touch with the world.

Oh, I failed to mention I am visiting Universal Studios again with my classmates tomorrow, Thursday. Hmm, I am not keen to go on the roller coaster ride. Even though I gave my first roller coaster ride to USS with Jia yi, maybe because she is my bestie I can let my guard down and show her how terrified I actually am. yea... I doubt I will seat the scary rides tomorrow. I do not feel well today, had a mild case of fever, do not wish to aggravate my condition . Keeping my fingers cross, I sincerely hope I will enjoy tmr.

Went for dinner with my friend today. Hmm, ever since he started on this new job, the rountine has changed. We used to be chat on the phone till wee hours, however now since he need to wake up early and he is currently still adapting to the new environment, new job demands, new job scopes and he is having pretty much high expectations and stress on himself, we are having lesser time conversing to each other. Hardly talking much, meeting much. Sometimes I did grumble a little, and I am having mixed feelings about it. Not being exactly understanding makes me feel bad. However at times I still wanted a little more attention. I can't afford to be greedy, I know. I know, you don't have to remind me, I prep talk alot to myself too. =.=

I understand it is like the transitional period, where he has to get use to everything, even I will be going through that period, probably tougher when I start my attachment in my mother hospital. There are a lot of factors involved, and seeing that he has 3 months probabtion period, and the mounting stress he has been giving himself. I do not think I should be saying much either...

I kinda hope that as time goes by, the transitional period will ease him into the environment, and probably things will be better? However I kinda dread the period when I start work. Especially with my shift hours, 7am to 3.35pm, 1pm to 9.35pm, 9pm to 7.30am, v.s. 9am to 6.30pm. Where is there even time to meet? I wouldn't mind meeting him just for dinner, however he doesn't appear even keen to meet up after his work. Or even going home together? Kinda not in his agenda at all. I do not like the idea at all. With all the talks of meeting on fridays or weekends when he is free, these are talks of people with office hours, but nurses function entirely different. Weekends we are mostly working, maybe saturday morning, sunday afternoon, or vice versa, we hardly have weekends off, maybe once a month, unless he is implying meeting once a month?! Well, if that is what he has in mind... Do all people with office hours function this way too? Their lives seem evolve around weekends, from the people I have encountered, is that why my peers either go for uniform group men (Navy, police, civil defense, paramedics), or they change to jobs that are more office hours in order to accomodate their partners who works office hours. Unless they are so lucky to find a guy who totally understands a nurse's shift hours and is willing to accomodate to that. =.= Sigh, lesser time to talk, lesser time to meet, will things be better or turn for the worst? I really have no idea. Quantity, v.s. quality. Though as I mentioned, work is important, and this friend of my has a far wider social circle which I know he must not give up both, likewise for me, I wouldn't give up my work and my friends either, even though when I got into schooling I did neglect them alittle, but that's another day's story.

prep talk... prep talk...

It was my first time asking a guy out, and it failed. I asked my friend if I can book him on Sunday, and he gave the sheepish look, and said it is F1 at 2pm. Guys stuff, I will not say I understand. Oh well. Bummer~ Don't think I will ever do such an embrassing thing ever again. >.< He questioned why am I so actively thinking of activities to filled up my weekends and free time. Perhaps it is the only way I can schedule my time slot when I am free, and free time is really rare nowadays, thus I felt I should spend it fruitfully. Spending it with people you wish to hang around with, doing things you enjoy, so the day is not wasted. I kinda do not like the idea of random invites. When my friend randomly asks me out on the day itself for whatever activities, I do not always agree, maybe it is because I had already decided to slack my time away? Maybe I thought it was rude to include me last minute? Call me weird, once again I will say "I know it". To me, if you can plan your time, why not? Unless the free time came on unexpectedly, which is a different story... Maybe this is a female's thinking, I have no idea.

I know it sounds very depressive, and very much full of grumbles, but currently that is my thinking and the vibes I am getting currently. Tell me to be more understanding... I am getting out of practice. I am learning, picking up the ropes, being more in tune to people's needs, placing people's need before self... However one day I may grew tire of that, can't we reach a compromise? I am sure no body can give in everytime. Don't you want people to also give in to you? sometimes? =.= Maybe I am just not being understanding. 13 words, so easy to say, but not easy to be done eh...

With all these senseless grumbles, this truely spells the urgent need for me to get away to the nature... I want to go mount faber on saturday morning, and I am pulling one of my friends along, shall see who will be the willing partner in crime.

Will Joanne be my partner in crime on Saturday? Let's just hope so. =p

Updates

2011-04-09T14:23:00.003+10:00

One down, another 2 to go. Say, people can say it is just another 2, slowly count down, and all the misery is over. How come I did like to agree with the statement, only now I feel entirely sucky. It is not just a mere 2 weeks of cramping and mugging, but an on-going rushing and whirl wind of activties that is taking a toll on me even since end of attachment, how many weeks have that been?More than a month of endless rush.
I am feeling darn tired and vunerable now. Having sleepless nights, trying to either stay up late, not much of effective study, but rather to tire my body out so I can sleep at night... This is not good... Studying psychosocial is like a lark to me currently.
Studying people's psychosocial needs, what normal pregnancy will fleel like, how husbands, wives and highrisk patients needs, when I can't even meet my need. What adapatation, what support, what threats to personal self-image, body boundary, cummon, I am here losing control of my, and I am studying theirs. =.= Stress stress stress...
Studying cope up in my room is the only way to jam the information in, not getting out of the house to get a breather so I will not have to resist the tempation to have a wild night outside. But to denial myself of my social life is unbearable. Everyone is like "You are having exams, let's not disturb you, I shan't drop a message, talk to you, or even engage you in a casual conversation." Thanks for the understanding, but sometimes a distraction is welcomed.
Contraindicting, for distractions are not good, but appropriate distractions at times are very welcomed. I felt happy when I was chatting with yen lee over her assignment, it is like disconnecting my studies to something else academic, even for a moment it did its job to make me feel somewhat rejuvunated. That is how sucky my life is. All I can think of is, I need a life, I am not having a good social life, even though I am eating, drinking, sleeping, and wearing "good".
Damn, now I am thinking the Maslow's Hierachy of Needs, indeed those needs are not freaking met!!!!!!! I do not like to count down, for it simply tells me how slow time is passing. Maybe I just need a slight distraction to take my attention away from those piles of colour notes, before I suffer a break down.
I mean I even have like plans on how i am going to enjoy post examinations, I do not even dare to think about them...
I am not a happy girl. =(

Updates

2011-04-05T17:58:00.004+10:00

End of academic week, and the start of exam study period. Friday, Monday, Wednesday, the examinations are super round the corner and yet I am still proscrastinating. Sigh, I wonder how will I fare, especially when I am not in the mood to study. =.=
Fell ill on Sunday as I had a sudden bout of allergy reaction. It is almost like a montly thing now. And there is like no cure to it. Rather I can't find the cause of this allergy reaction. Used to think it is due to hormonal imbalance, however after taking 3 months of Yasmin, the allergy reaction still persist. My GP mentioned it may be due to food allergy, like seafood and preserved food. But to tell me to steer away from food, is like giving me a death sentence. How is it possible not to come into contact with non-preserved food? Yea, cut down on carbonated drinks, tidbits, maggi mee, but still it occurs. Tried seeing which food causes the allergy reaction, but to no avail, there don't seemed to have like a grravating factor, rather my body likes to play trick on me. This time round it appears like dairy products overdose when I was greedy enough to have 2 milkshakes in a single day, or maybe it is other cause.
I have no idea, seriously. Life suxs. Especially when I hate taking medications, seeing doctors. No way to find the exact cause, no way topical creams work, the only way is anti-histamine to stop the itch, and wait till it goes away. The dermatology doctor said it may occur anytime, and may wear off when I am old. Every girl's cosmetic pouch have their lipsticks, lipgloss and what nots, and mine has something additional, anti-histamines. I dread having medication, but it seems like I need to put those meds inside stand by again...
Finished my 3000 research assignment last week, and rewarded myself by playing hard. Went out for movies, and chilling sessions with a particular friend of mine. The company is great, the feeling is exceptional. How to put them into words?
I feel that he is special, because I feel comfortable around him. I can talk just about anything, everything to him, without feeling awkward, though of course at times a little embarassing, however, we can even discuss those taboo topics which girls are advised not to discuss with guys with ease. Isn't that strange? The feeling is just so different, compared to other friends I have.I just kinda feel comfortable, at ease, secure, and can be just myself. With my past experiences, I tend to either feel insecure, a need to be over possessive or even feel low self-esteem.
Maybe it is the past experiences that had taught me to just let things happen naturally for what's my will be mine, and things can't be forced. But with him, it just appears slightly different. Maybe because he seemed to have gone through a lot of things, he seems sensible, responsible and mature. He gives people the sense of security, that he knows what he is doing, he has a plan, and he wouldn't be affected by extrageneous waylard stuff. This time round, I am rather comfortable letting things happen naturally, letting time tell me what is the next approach, and allowing nature to take its course without feeling unease.
Maybe I will be wrong, but somehow, this time round, it feels like it is the right to do. Just standing by him, while he gets use to his new job, find his footing in the new environment. While I engage in own activities, settle down in mys tudies, attachments and social life. In the end of the day, will I be the person he thinks about, will miss, will want to meet, I have no idea. Not going to worry about this, I should worry about my revision rather! Ha ha Ja ne~

dream awakening

2011-03-29T11:41:00.002+11:00

Hello Tuesday, it is nice waking up amidst the comforters to welcome a brand new day which is cool. It is weird to snuggle between the blankets and trying to recall the dream I was rudely awaken from. Nah, I would not say it is a bad dream, but rather a strange dream. This is how it goes, I am in some dining place with alfresco setting, while my sister is deeply engaged in a conversation with some random lady. They were discussing about something that looks the likes of a friendship band. Strangely as the conversation drawls on as I sat there listening, I felt a surge of sad emotions that send me pouring tears down my cheeks. The next moment I dashed into the toilet feeling miserable. I am not sure why was I suddenly so unhappy. Was it the friendship band that triggered unhappy memories? I have no idea. It seemed that I was in the toilet collecting my emotions for a long period of time as when I finally step out, my group of friend (I have no idea who those girls are) looked frantic and said, "So that's where you are! We have been searching for you for a long time. Hurry, he has waited very long fo it, you better get home, it is getting late." Poof, and I was hurrying across the carpark when one of my friends told me that the guy who is waiting for me know that I am seeing another person, yet he is still very nice to be waiting for me, and I should treasure him. When I asked who that person is to "tell tales", she mentioned it is a very close male friend both of us know... damn.. The man stood there beside his 6 seater car waiting for me, looking extremely tired. He mentioned it is a new car of his, and I actually opened the wrong door for the passenger seat beside the driver, ha ha. Anyway, the seats are reclined as apparently he was resting while waiting for me. He appeared sick, and had confessed to taken medications for his illness. Despite feeling poorly, he had insisted to wait to bring me home, even though it is clear that he is not in the condition at all.. I remembered expressing my concern for his health status, and being touched for his gesture, before the dream stopped. Strange eh? I have no idea why I have this impulse to blog this dream. But it felt rather settling to the fact that I was kinda two-timing in the dream? Is the person I am two-timing alive or dead? He is a nasty person that's why I was crying after the trigger of the friendship band (?)?? Mysteries mysteries. I am deeply touched by the gesture of the unknown man who expressed his care and concern towards me, but in the dream I was looking at him with conflicting emotions. Oh well, it is just an interesting dream =p

Updates

2011-03-26T01:46:00.002+11:00

My academic whirlwind of schooling in NYP is coming close to an end, and nope I am not graduating so soon. It is just that next week will be the last academic week, while subsequently we will be out in the clinical area then back to our respective hospitals for our On-Job Training.

I have just completed 2 tedious projects, research as well as Health care management. I wouldn't say I enjoyed it very much, but t was really lots of everyone's hardwork put in to create the final product, and I am still in the super stress mood for I have a 3000 words research assignment to be submitted on Thursday. I am aiming it to complete on SUnday, or latest Tuesday. I hope things will go well, I really do not wish to collapse at this final lapse.

As I have been pretty absorped with my studies for the past 2 weeks ever since back to school from delivery suite attachment, I have not been havign adequate rest to recuperate and regain my balance. Now the work is piling on, taking a toll on my health. Constantly feeling lethargic, brief bouts of giddiness, and now lost of appetite, or rather should I say the lost of joy in eating?

Lethargic is most likely due to lack of adequate rest and quality sleep, while giddiness could be due to unknown cause of anemia? inadequate rest? Lost of appetite could be due to stress. Nowadays I feel myself taking my meals with the mindset of occupying it with something to churn on,m to prevent the relapse of gastric for I know my health would go on a steep downward trend it another bout of illness were to hit me now. I hate the sickening feeling that I am losing control over even my own health, life just don't seem so cheery currently.

I was hoping that March will be a sweet surprise, but March is coming to a close, and my rountine weekends off days are coming to a close,and I am not where near my target. Now I feel that I am losing control over even my social life, cause I have no time to go out to meet new people, with all the endless work, it is just hard to even want to meet up with friends at times.

Just last night I let down my guard and seem to have revealed the vunerable side of me. I do not know how to describe the mixture of emotions that are conflicting inside me now.

Turtle has a shell, to seek refuge to in times of stress/fear/sadness. I am somewhat like this. People who are acquitance of me would most likely feel that I have a strong, somewhat over-achieving lass that is terribily straight-forward and confident, but only the close friends would know the real me. When I don't smile, I have been given comments by people that I look aloof, arragont, unapproachable and even as cold. But you did have to know me better to discover that I am silly, clumsy, friendly and not what they percieved. Recently a particular friend of mine have remarked that I should smile more often, and put across my opinions in a more neutral tone, rather then being over straight-forward and serious. A point taken note of, thank you my friend.
However, through my primary school days to where I am now I have constantly been faced with lots of social conflicts, which I would say it shaped me the way I behave today. I have learnt to build this tall wall around me, which aims to protect me from people who attempt to get close to me, and end up hurting me again, it gets worst time to time when you get "jilted/rejected/cheated/fooled".

Therefore after that I have always told myself not to hold any expectations, as the higher your expectations, the higher your dissapointment would be. I do not like the feeling of being dissapointed, cause it always tend to end up unwarranted, one-sided and extremely hurtful. ANd yet, yesterday I broke my promise! A friend of mine and I planned a movie outing days ago but it turns out that it slipped off his mind. Boy I was upset and pissed, there is no denial of it. But when the feelings got pas,t I was brought o an acute awareness that "Hey, why am I feeling dissapointed, hurt, unhappy, and even angry over such a thing?" I did not like the answer that huanted me, "this is bad" is all I can think of.
I have been anticipating this movie-outing to find that that, the person doesn't remember. It felt to me as a form of disrespect to my presence and signifiance, in a sense, why am I caring so much that he should remember when he has no obligation to? When am I bothered when he can't recall my friday schedule? Why am I affected by his actions?
And, in the first time, what have I been expecting?
You get what I mean?
I seem to be like dropping back into the trap I cautioned myself, not to venture in, or rather not to even think about it. I do not want to be hurt again, so I shouldn't hold expectations on anyone, anything, but there I am doing the exact same thing I promised myself I won't.

It has been years since I feel this conflicting wave of emotions, have I grown to care/feel/like this person? And if yes, why am I afraid to admit it? I have been hurt too deeply in the past, the wound has healed, but the scar will always be there, for that should I be cursing my ex for hurting me too deep? What a thought. I have protected and shut myself away from these thigns, especially relationship matters so well, that I realise whenever my feelings are stirred I tend to bolt. It is more like amy reflex guarding action? I don't know what to feel about this, I am just as confused as how I am typing this.

The person do have a lot of positive factors which I admire and to shamefully put is across bluntedly desire in a ideal partner. But the "turtle" (refer to analogy) of me is hiding back, because I am afraid to be hurt. Oh man... this is a vicious cycle. How the hell can I break out of this? Go for a entire personality transplant? Hope that my soumate can guide me through this? Just be single for my entire life? Go for a serious session of brain washing?

And I had sleeptalk yesterday to the particular person, and I have no recall what what we have discussed or what I have uttered. But he did mention a scary thing, "If I wereto tell you know, you did run out of the cinema". This sounds really ominious. Boy... what have I said, or gotten myself into =(

I have once again made a fool out of myself. Clo when will you even snap out of it and grow up?

perplex

2011-03-17T03:09:00.002+11:00

What would you do if you know whatever decision you make, would definitedly involve a sacrifice?

Is the sacrfice worthwhile to be made?

If the sacrifice means you might even give up your happiness would you still pursue a dream?

Why cant we have the best of both worlds? Where you have have your dream and also happiness?

Perplexing aint it?

I have been thinking a lot these days, about my plans after 2 years.

Should I continue to work in my current setting, to gain experience, and see where my path leads me? Maybe I might be an SSN, maybe I might be promoted to a higher position such as nurse clinician? However is it the path I wish to take?
I do not really relish in the fact of doing service recovery, managing the staff welfare, especially when my organising skills aren't exactly wonderful. And I am not gifted in having the charisma where people would follow my style, they would most likely curse and swear and run havoc. Yea...

What if I choose to have a change of environment, working for some other hospitals to gain exposure? Meaning you have to start from scratch, the unknowns, the different environment, the uncertainy, nor the 100% things would turn out right?

What if I choose to quit nursing all together you know? Venture to something else crazy? I might lost my confidence in nursing, and god knows have a career switch, kinda far fetch, but who can say for sure my sanity will be intact by the end of 2 years?

What if I choose to enter another nursing related industry? Perhaps I wish to venture into the westernise vision of midwifery led care? Being a doulad? Antenatal therapist? Antenatal yoga instructor? SOmething crazy like that? I have no idea, what the 2 years as a midwife will inspire me.

What if I decided to give up my career in Singapore, and venture overseas? Most likely it will be due to a heartbreak, or something done out of spite, or simply because I decided I am not young anymore and should try to seek "greener pastures" elsewhere. Yea, overseas sometimes is a very hazy view. It may be a form of escapade for me, to escape from the sorrows, memories, especially when I had enough of my relationship and consistent one-sided crushes, I wanted to just escape overseas to do my degree, only to end up doing it locally. Which is good, as it still served the purpose of making me super super busy, too busy and too numb to experience anymore pain. Oh well..

Not neccessary overseas must be link with heartwrenching experiences, it could be also I really to make a difference myself, to get a Masters in Midwifery, to statisfy my thirst for knowledge, and end there you know? Masters the max, anymore I will get permanent head damage.

Are my thoughts wise though? I feel that they are pretty much incoherent.

What if I want to venture into teaching? Maybe a Masters would place me in a more competitive edge than others, but will that be neccessarily useful? Must I get a specialization Masters? WHy can't I settle for a general nursing? Why am I so fixated on Midwifery? Itis just purely of the interest. It is the interest and passion to keep in studying, not the other incentive I feel. Should I stay on in hospital line? Or insitutional? Or something else but related to midwifery?

But what if I found my happiness before all these happens? I have initially thought of those simply as a back up plan, for what if I haven found my soul mate than? But what if I found the soul mate? Am I still going to pursue my dream? My studies? etc? Seriously, either way it would have to make sacrifices.

Who would like a long distance relationship?
Who would appreciate being away from one another?
I can understand that, if only Singapore has a Masters in Midwifery, in 2 years time, shall we see what the Ministry of Education says? Will the Ministry of Education give me the pleasant surprise?

Above all things, what are we searching and working so hard for? life is so fragile, you should cherish what you have, for what you have now, you may lose it the next moment. That is what I feel very perplex.

I do wish to have the best of both worlds. To cherish what I have now, and also to enjoy the possibility of further my education, maybe...

Someone should show me the light...

Is there a path where there is a win win situation? Am I being too greedy?

Or shoudl I just wait and see, like wait if the soul mate comes along? Wait if there is opportunities along the way?

Why is life so difficult?

Updates

2011-03-13T13:35:00.002+11:00

One week back into school, the engine has yet to have gear up properly. Maybe it is due to the illness I had been down with post attachment. Being sickfree has always been my goal, and something I would be proud off when people are gradually turning sick like dominoes while I am still a healthy bunny. Oh well, instead of common flu, cough and fever it is yet another story of bronchitis.

Damn.

The moment I returned to school, it is health assessment examination on Tuesday. Ha ha, it is like a forced engine start, which then abruptly ceased when it ended. I do hope the adrenaline rush and the hardworking anel come knocking into my senses soon. It isn't much time left in school before all the clinical. Nightmare starting in the 2nd week, for our lecturer had kindly arranged make up delivery suite posting back in mother hospital- SGH, so we have to go back like on weekdays and weekends. =(

I am not being ungrateful, just like ti is back to degree and work days, super taxing and tiring. I wonder if I can cope better with this stress man. Heh.

Oh a good news, my daddy finally got me my Paul Smith Rrose perfume *Loves loves*. Had read the raving reviews about how it is the most rosy scent in the market, that doesn't smell weird. ANd it doesn't smell over feminine rosy like some others, while Paul Smith Rose has the scent of tea rose. I kinda like it. A little floral, oriential without the overwhelming sensuality.

I am hoping to get my hands on Lanvin Eclat's summer limited edition perfume, which is only retailing at $36 dollars now, but everyone seemed to have grabbed it like hot cakes, and I only managed to reserve one, hope the retail store will be able to source the other one man... The reserved perfume is intended to be a birthday gift, so I shan't be selfish... Shant think about it. Oh well, just think of it as luck...

Opened my Nina Ricci perfume as my Givenchy's perfume just left a few remaining spritz which I am reluctant to use, and I am brought back to the Nina Ricci days =D The apple scented days, wee~ I have forgotten that is has a heady musky scent which is relatively long lasting =)

Crap, I had just spend 3 paragraphs raving about perfumes again?! He he. Next time I gotta have a glass display of my perfume collection over the years ^-^

Oh nice would that be?

I have tons of random thoughts currently.. Like wanting to go overseas... like a short trip to Hong Kong for example?

the torrential rain is spoiling my mood for blogging..

Ta da for now =)

End of NUH Posting

2011-03-05T01:32:00.002+11:00

This spells the dreaded week of NUH posting. Before anyone jumps into conculsions of how terrible the experience was, I did like to clarify that it is the travelling distance especially the morning shift that makes the working hours terribily sickening. It is more than an hour's distance. yawnz...

But overall the experience had been rather enriching.

However, the people relationship had turned rather tense and I rather detest this feeling, thanking that this posting is one person per shift, which greatly decrease the likelihood for potential conflicts. Well, still jumping into conculsions, leading to misudnerstandings and backstabbing stuff like that still occur, damn. I hate it when people offends me when Id id nothing, and why can't they just be straightforward with their displeasure, clarify things before jumping off the ceiling?

Mature and grow up, is not int he dictionary.

Too tired to mention much, nightz all

Reflections of my KKH DS posting

2011-02-26T23:49:00.002+11:00

I have completed my KKH DS posting of 3 weeks. This 3 weeks had been a very fufiling experience which allows me to apply the knowledge we learnt in practical lessons to ward care. It was an exhilarating experience for delivery suite is a highly specialise area which unknown unexpected emergencies can occur at any time, prior delivery, intrapartum and also post partum. The patient care do not only involve the women alone bu the baby inutero. The huge sense of responsibility lies within you for you are required to care for both wit the best care you could till delivery.

Code blue indicate emergency resusitation for either the mother or the baby. Code green indicates fetal distress which requires immediate attention, most likely to the emergency operating theatre where action takes place within spilt minutes. Code brown the scariest of all is a case of shoulder dystocia.

I have observed code green where there is a case of cord prolapse where fetal bradycardia was observed after ARM was done. I have observed a case where crash ceaserean section was sanction immediately after the delivery of the first twin where the second twin was a compound presentation. Another case of code green was a case of clinical APH for a preterm baby.

I personally experienced code blue where the baby I delivered had 2 cord round neck, tight, and was apgar score of 5, blue, and flaccid at birth, with TMSL only discovered when the head was delivered. As the baby was in a poor condition, code blue for the baby was activated immediatedly. In less than a minute, the labour nurses came in to render assistance to resus the baby by sunctioning and providing free flow oxygen and bag and mask the baby. The neonatologist also came in less than a minute with the on-call team to check on the baby. Thankfully the TMSL did not seem to occur intuero, but when the baby was being delivered, therefore the baby had not inhaled the TMSl and his condition is stable. Thank god for the safety of the mother and baby. It was a shocking moment, for the staff nurse and me was both caught by surprise with the blue looking baby and the TMSl which was presented post head delivery. I was praised for keeping a steady composure and ensuring the mother's comfort and activating help STAT.

Working in labourward do allow me to encounter the walks of life. Single mothers, married couples, mothers of young and old ages. The most gratifying moment is seeing the husband participate in the labour by supporting their wives in labour, encouraging them to push, assisting by supporting the head forward to aid in the pushing. The constant mix of love and worry for the mother and baby makes my job worthwhile. Criticise and say that I am being over emotional and sentimental, but when the husband proudly say that his wife have just done an enourmous noble job and have gave birth to a healthy beautiful boy... Seeing the partner offering sips of drink to encourage the woman to perservere on, makes me feel that motherhood is a wonderful process and I am very lucky to be there not only to witness but to participate. =D

Cord round neck seemed to be a common sighting in delivery, but the consequences of cord round neck should never be taken lightly, for it could cause neonatal aphysxia, fetal distress, an indication of em-lscs even. I experienced jelly cord twice, therefore had to double clamp. I had also encountered a near incident of retain placenta. The placenta is tightly adhered to the myometrium wall, and 3 nurses had to try to manipulate the cord gently in order to tease it out. The cord was thinning out slowly, increasing the chances of snapping, therefore I was very worried that the doctors would need to do a MRP. E ven though we successfuly removed the placenta, part of its membrances were stuck, therefore the doctor had to come to manually do a speculum removal of membranes to prevent the incidence of PPH.

Currently I cannot recall any incidence to share, therefore the DS reflection shall pause for now...

Definitedly my attachment in KKH have its ups and downs. I do feel stress, experated, upset, angry and even feel lost, but end of the day, I feel that I am on a fruitful journey. The downs will enrich my learnign experience to make me a better person. The ups with allow me to grow and develop into a good midwife.

I shall maintain my humble attitude and hope for all the best for my NUH posting next week.

Been chatting with my friend last night. If the world will end in yr 2012, what are you going to achieve by year 2012? I replied since I can't possibly achieve much in my career as I am still a newbie, green on job, Other than improving on job, the only thing I should actively do is to improve my social life. Let's hope my yr2011 resolutions will come true okay?

=D

做男人是个体力活，做女人是个心思活。在辛福来临之前，先学习，先观战，先自我练习，才是王道。。。

2011-02-22T02:05:00.002+11:00

How does it feel being a bystander?
How does it feel when you are standing from afar, looking and feeling helpless?
How does it feel when it seems so near yet so far?
How does it feel when you bore hopes only to have them crashing down?

Should one not have any hopes, no feelings at all? So one do not get the messed up feelings, do not feel depress, do not feel upset. WOuldn't it make someone cold and heart less though?

Updates

2011-02-20T23:24:00.003+11:00

This is my 2nd week into attachment, everything so far is going well. I have been learning from practical, various midwives have different practices, often probing into the rationale for their practice and developing on'es understanding is helping me step by step to develop my own practice. I hope everything will go smoothly. =)

Ain't very diligently revising my books, this is pretty distressing, sigh... I just hope studies will be easier, ha ha.

Went to trim my hair today =) he snip a 2cm off, but I guess so far I am pleased with my lighter hair =D

Oh... I came across my friend's facebook and realised that several of my primary school mates are attached to each other... what a surprise =) just like story books... =D

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T23:04:00.002+11:00

May there be love in the air, sweetly scented with fiery passion. =)
May all love birds be as loving and singles be happy =D

This is my 2nd week into labour ward attachment. Things are not going as rosy as I imagined, impossible to hit 1 delivery a day quite impossible to achieve 20 deliveries in this mere 4 weeks of attachment. I just hope I do not have to extend the course.

Several have advised us to enjoy the posting and not be stressed up by the targets. I will try my best. Aidah has been always saying to take things easy, accept things that comes along your way. So far her belief brings good tidings, so I believe this is something I should pick a leaf from.

Hmm, I have been praying that I will achieve my target by the end of this course, and I will learn as much as I can so that I will graduate to be an outstanding midwife. Every midwives have different delivery techniques. Some uses number counting to encourage the pushing, several uses encouragement to motivate the client to push. There are different ways to help thing the perinuem, there are different techniques involve in guarding the perinuem. What school teaches is simply the tip of the ice berg, I believe experience cultivates a whole new set of beliefs that you learn from, and those experience midwives are the role model to learn from. I admit this is a whole new chuck that I need lots of time to absorb and learn. I am a total newbie in this area, so blur and almost getting into everyone's way. I will remember to remain humble, and learn from the bottom up. I do not mind being taken advantage off, cause I believe this is from where you get to see the world and you learn a world of knowledge from.

I will remember to keep the evil thoughts at bay, should there be lateral bullying, I shall side step, smile and go on. I will not be petty and over competitive, for every thing I do is for the patient's and baby's sake. I will learn the deapth and breathe of knowledge so that I can keep myself abreast with all this practical skills that will go a long way.

Today one of my classmates told me that the impression she has of me is "stuck-up". Having heard that all my life behind my back, it is very nice to hear someone telling me straight in the face. You must think I am crazy... I enquired her the reason for her impression, which she couldn't relaly bear to bring herself to spell out, however I can guess, for I am introvert and I do not socialize with people whom I am not familar with. and I do admit I look "un-approachable" when I remain silent especially when I am in my own world, little comfy corner. Oh well... I would say I can't please everyone, nor do I seek to have good favors in everyone, however I do make more effort in being more friendly. Just that I am only an open book when you know me well therefore never judge a book by its cover. =)

Thank you for criticising me, thank you for being selfish and such, for I believe it will make me stronger, though I do wish things turn out right.

Pollyana spirit GO GO GO~

once again, may everyone find their happiness in their valentine, someday, somewhere, somehow.

Rabbit Year

2011-02-07T00:56:00.002+11:00

Greetings~
How did everyone's CNy went?
Did the rabbit year bring more better tidings and joy? I certainly hope it will be a smooth year for everyone, including myself, ha ha

It is the usual, visiting, "Gong Xi Fa Cai, Happy New Year" and visiting relatives whom you meet once a year. Meeting the delimma of "how should I address them", while turning to my mum for assistance =( I am a klutz with all the formality, I wonder next time if I am suppose to greet them randomly, I would turn dumbstruck and hope an "uncle/auntie" would suffice. Opps~ Oh add in that sweet smile, ha ha.

Oh well, so many of my relatives are having rabbit babies mostly due around May and April
Rabbit year seem to be a relatively good year to have kids yea? Is it because rabbit babies are more tame, cute and less tempremental? Then Dragon babies will be more intelligent, though stubborn and naughty? Ha ha. If that is so, I should have a kid this year or the next, he he. oh enough of lame jokes.

Hmm... however my relatives are definitedly now in the spectrum of stopping at one, majority is going for two or more, I am sure our Government will appreciate this, as well as midwives, as we will not be out of our job. bleah

Hmm, had a awesome 4 days of rest, all because of the new year public holiday. No books, or exam stress, it is refreshing to open your eyes and smile because there is no hoarding assignments nor exams just round the corner =) It is story books, tv, drama serials, food, movies and fun. Oh this is refreshing. Finally some time off, so I can have fun, okie... probably can start arranging those blind dates xD

I realise I am being rather crappy tonight, blame it on the italian cheesy feast I ate for dinner =D yummilious.

Again, I wish that Rabbit Year 2011 will be a fantastic year. May I find a boyfriend, may I score good grades for my studies, may I deliver at least 20 babies for my clinical attachment, may I enjoy my student days, may I be a fantastic midwife, may I stay healthy and happy, May unhappy things stay at bay, May my dreams and wishes come through.

CNY

2011-02-03T03:12:00.003+11:00

The period before CNY was pretty tough as I was totally busy with exams and assignments. There wasn't any CNY feastive mood when the stress level is so high. The constant daily midnight oil and fear of poor performance just make me so listless and down. Finally on CNY eve I took the Bio exam paper, one module down. Of course, there are some more to come, but I feel much more relax, and would be more able to enjoy my short break before adrenaline returns.

Some updates of my not so exciting life

I volunteered to be one of the representative from our midwifery class along with others to help promote midwifery lab to the President of University of Manchester on 9 Feb'11. Sounds like real business, they mention about press and making good impression in 30 seconds, dear god, what kind of mess have I gotten myself into again? I guess all I wanted is to make full use of my student days, enjoy it to the fullest, like taking part of activities, keep myself real busy. I don't know, every since degree days I find that I tend to keep my mind super occupied for I fear I am prone to thinking stuff that are over sentimental? Sounds crap, probably just wanting to fill up some empty space in my life, take things in my own hands.

The midwifery group will be promoting cervical cancer prevention as well as every monday women wellness clinic =( Sound so boring... Sigh, nevermind, will think in an optimistic manner. It is gaining experience, for the benefit of others, some part of active participation in school? Heh...

One of my friends mention that I am more of a democratic person. Perhaps it is because I am tired of the constant rivalry between collegues, classmates. I know this is the part and parcel of life, as we grow up, however you may say I have a very simplistic mindset, but all I want is a simple life. Peace & harmony. Just don't come and offend me, I am okay. If only life is so smooth and simple yea? People may say it is more like a hypocrite when one strive for harmony, but I did rather stick to my own mantra, " I do things with clear conscience, I do not bend my rules just to conform to the norm, for I want to be me. I want to make a difference to do good." Oh well...

grumbles aside, one of my friend is getting married. The process of pre-marriage involves pre-marriage jitters, arguements, moments of bitter sweet and stuff. But talking to those friends who are married, I find one very common thing. They were looking for husband material, some form of support, guidance with love. Can I find that some day? One of my top new year resolution, in not it will be overseas search or something =p

Today Susan said something very inspiring, it is somethign like to aim to be a Top midwife, so that you will become a top midwife, to make a difference, your patients will know the difference, they can sense your abilities. Yes, I want to be a midwife, not simply an obstetric nurse. Nurses should have more autonomy and recognition. Say no to lateral violence, say yes to professionalism. And one way to be a professional is to act like one. Being petty, calculative and selfish... cummon act like a mature adult, what good will it do for you, me and others?

Do absence make the heart fonder? Currently, I doubt so...
Actions speak louder than words, how come most guys I meet always say one thing and act another or rather no action? Hmm, is there something wrong with me maybe? *ponders*

Oh well, happy CNY to all

Feeling Lucky

2011-01-25T23:31:00.002+11:00

Clo is derive from Clover. Several people thought it was like Cleo. =p Clover sounds weird with my name, especially when all my name is single syllabus. I love clover, for it means kurooba in Japanese and Clover is from Four Leaf Clover. A lucky plant =)

Of all the names like Jessica, Phoebe, Anne etc... I ended up felling more affinity with Clo especially when I came across one of my younger days favourite author Enid Blyton who wrote a story about this little girl named Clo. It sounds so unique right? Rythmns with Clover and I have yet to see someone else with the same name. Heh, I want to be unique and different =)

Oh well, I feel very lucky today =D I had been having anxiety attacks ever since I have lost the darn library book I borrowed for our group's Zingapore presentation. My group members have all insisted that they had doubled, tripled check and the book was not accidentally in their possession. Oh well, maybe we left it lying around carelessly after our discussion, or maybe the librarian missed checking out the book. The date due draw closer and I was forced to go scoring shelves after shelves to look for the book, in hopes that the librarian have probably shelved the book, alas to my dismay =(

Close to desperation that we might need to pay for that useless book that never aid in our presentation, I found out that the book have been checked out miraculously today, somehow, after all the efforts =D

I feel so darn happy and lucky!! Serious! Hugs and kisses to whoever that's the kind soul who found the book and decided to borrow it or the kind soul who found the book and returned it. Thank you for saving my ass, and making me breathe so much easier =) May good things happen to you =)

Clo feels lucky today.
Bio theory exam did well, exams by far have been faring well however it is not the end of it, presentations and more follow up exams to take. I hope I will do well for them too =) Gambatte ne~

xoxoxoxo

mini updates

2011-01-25T01:18:00.002+11:00

No idea why recently been so actively updating my blog, normally I do updates monthly... Queer me.

ANyway, my research results are out =) Need to do well for research assignment so I will let myself down. =)

Can't wait to know AMP results tmr... Hope will not do that badly...
Need to start mugging for Bio exam...

Volunteered to introduce our midwifery loab to the Minister of University of Manchester on 9 Feb along with 4 of my other friends, sound like fun, however need to rush off for attachment after that, will be darn tiring... =(

Somehow why do I get the feeling thaqt I want to make the best time out of this 8 months? Treat this like sorority life or taking part in activities to make memories so I will not leave this course with regret?

Life is too short to bear grudges and be unhappy, for hatred and regrets.
I will be brave to stand the obstacles, live my day with a smile. Learn to let go on unhappy stuff. Wan Lin find back your pollyana spirit!

Perplex

2011-01-23T02:00:00.002+11:00

It has been more than 6 months and he could still ask me why did we suddenly ended our relationship and contact.

I feel it perplexing for, it he was confused, no idea, why did he not ask sooner. If he still claims to have feelings why does not show any action? I think it is pure silliness. If you like someone, you would not give up on him/her so easily. Actions speak louder than words, just by hanging on by speaking how much you miss the person, how much you still feel the person, but no action, how true is your words? Words are cheap. I feel that if there were strong emotions, actions like sending random messages, to send flowers over, to send gifts out, to call him/her to pop over to him/her place are definatedly an action to prove that the person is on your mind. Please do not go on to say how much you feel for him/her if you can't prove it. It just shows how immature, of insincere those feelings were.

If you had been confused over these few months, it does not hurt to ask why did you ended it? Or rather you chose not to believe the reason why? The reason why is because you lied. I stand stand someone who lies repeatedly, even there had been chances given. I believed you when you said you were going to quit smoking, I know it is difficult, it takes times and effort. But do not ever smoke at least while you were with me outside, slipping off on gthe excuse of going to toilet and come back stinked with smoke, I am sorry to say my olfactory sense is pretty good, and it is not that difficult to whiff a smoker. I chose to ignore, until you said that you stood beside a dustbin while someone smoked. Hello??! Do you think I am a 3 year old kid? If there was the need, you should say it outright, but you chose not to. And often using excuses and lies. I am sorry, that is too much. It is not even respecting the promise, the trust. Please do not say how much you care, for even for that short period of time, you did not, and do not say you wish to start over again, for these few months you did NOTHING that even implied you tried your best!

Don't lie.

I do not like smokers, for they stink. Furthermore it is very harmful to one's health, and the smoke to a 2nd hand smoker's health is even more detrimental. Another reason is my respiratory system is not good. Previously I could still stand beside a smoker for a minute and hold my breathe. But now, a whiff of smoke towards my direction, threatens to exhabate an asthma-like attack. I could feel my bronchioles squeezing tight, and I feel breathless. That is why my partner can't smoked to, I would literally die standing next to him. My history of bronchities have really caused my health to go on a downward trend. So I am not being overly sensitive or mean. I was serious when I say I can't breathe when there's cigarrette smoke...

Met up with my bestie in Nex today. we talked about our requirement for guys. She was really critical when I told her a guy's looks do not matter. I simply told her straight in the fact that the ideal partnership I want is not a surface perfect relationship with so many underlying flaws. And I have seen quite a few touching examples that affirms my belief that the right one needless to be the macho, handsome, charming prince. He should be the one that stands by you throughout, understands you, accepts you wholesomely, treats you really really well, and one that believes you are the world to him.

The classic example is an unforgettable wedding I attended last year, the daughter of my mum's friend's wedding. The couple looked unremarkable, but the wedding dinner was memorable. It is the best wedding dinner I ever attended. Well, all wedding dinner are touching, sweet and nice, but mostly its purpose is telling the world "we are married". But this couple, one is fat the other is slightly shorter with a limp. But that did not deter their love, and I felt their love for each other. I have never seen a groom with a glow on his face, proudly stating I am getting married today, I am very lucky to marry her, I love her very much, I am very lucky that she chose me. That would be the best thing that happen to me if I find a man who thinks the world of me, and feels that the best thing that ever happened to him is to get to know me and to marry me, to start a new life's journey together with me, along with my flaws. Yes, it is the wedding where the love is apparent, the sweetest thing ever. =)

Why deem the criteria to be so unrealistic? So what if you have a model looking husband, but there are so many problems in the relationship like personality, character mis-match. Perhaps in the end of the day I have not find a good looking husband, but to marry, I will settle down with a chap whom really treats me well, protects me, love me, and will give me the home I always dream of.

Why do you say I have unrealistic high expectation? I know every relationship has problems, it is how you handle it. Definatedly... But the person who you have unwavering trust and love will go through tough patch hand-in hand and grow stronger. relationship should make one benefit with growth. A constant discovery of each other, to complement one another, become a better person.

If I find him? I wouldn't settle down, just because I need to be married. Never, because I have experienced what is it like to live for someone else, what is it like to be a shadow and be trampled on, and to be nothing... I am worth of a person's affection. I love myself. =)

Update

2011-01-22T00:49:00.002+11:00

Yesterday was our research exam. I believe every of my classmates were stress max about it. One of the most hated or dreaded subject of it. It is not platlatable nor understadnable, and all the confusing parametric and non parametric test while all the testing etc... I was trying to cram in all the darn figures, the level of significance and understand its signifcance of each test till I took like more than 4 days to slowly allow my mind to filter the information.

Thank goodness, the exam was better than what was expected, well there are some errors, but definatedly passable, hope to know how we score soon!

Today went to AWWA to understand different special child's needs. Well the main note of the day is," Be happy for what god have given us, and feel blessed if your child born is normal." Every parent wish their child to be talented, and intelligent and hopefully one day grow up to be somebody, constantly depriving them of the precious childhood by brining them to endless enrichment lessons, countless tutions every day and extra cirriculum activities to cultivate their muscial/physical talents. Regardless if your child is a male or a female, be thankful for you bore the child till full gestations without mishap and delivered this little burden of joy, the prove of your love to this world. Above all, if your child is healthy and normal, be thankful for your child and you do not need to undergo the endless trials and misery like those special kids.

I hope one day I will be happily married, with a family of my own, children of my own, a warm, loving family.
I was sharing with my partner today that the views of people nowdays compared to people of the past of vastly different! Once marriage is view as something sacred, no matter what trials, or how bad your partner is you stick through thick and thin. Previously women are the ones meekly listening to the husband's orders as the husband is the bread winner. Now, women are better educsted, hold a career, marry late, have a feminist individualistic thinking. Women used to be totally dependent on the husband, meek and weak, now cohibate, divorce is so common. Marrying late is a norm, as people consider their finance, their personal interest etc... have the impact is the female's fertility status. Prim period is 20-24. Once 35 and above, it is advance maternal age, higher risk for down syndrome and other child congenital abnormality risk also increases.

I hope to marry by 25, latest by 28. I use to tell my bestie, if my age 25 yrs old I am still single, I will work overseas, find some one overseas. If by 28 years old I am still single, I shall just remain a spinster, cause love doesn't seem to be in my fate at all... Looks like this is happening. marrying early is so not happening to me. sigh...

Today been to Nex, it is freaking huge! It also has lots of eating place *eyes lid up* Got my favourite hang out places, starbucks, spinelle, coffee bean, MOF, Sushi Tei, crystal Jade etc. Oh my... *squeals in delight* I am going back there tomorrow, I have yet to explore the entire mall yet. Oh, if only city square has a cinema it will be perfect just like Nex. =) It has a pet paradise, and a outdoor water park. It will be nice to walk under the "stars" in the open air, a new subsitute place for vivocity. Vivocity's water pool is now in sands and ruins, super awful. I predict that Nex will be one of my favourite hang out...

Going Nuts

2011-01-17T23:39:00.002+11:00

Is this the feeling of burnout?
Constantly feeling grumpy and why are unhappy things happening?
Constantly asking myself questions that just sound so negative.

Why am I doing this? Is this what I signed up for? Constantly comparing to past experiences, and saying this is not the life I make out to be.

I hate studying, when it is studying hard without a break that is. I need time out. What's this? Cramming very single week, hoping to get a decent score and keeping that adrenaline rush every single week for the darn assignments and exams? This is madness!

I hate the every week mugging. I can't go out to take a breather. Can you believe when I finally dragged myself out from the house just got a dinner outside, the air outside seemed so much fresher, like I am free. This is so not happening to me~

I feel like I am tied to this, very much unwillingly. I am entertaining thoughts of forsaking my path here and venture to somewhere I can slow my pace down. I hate this constant hustle and bustle.

Maybe I do need a quick getaway. A take down henderson wave. A bite of pancake. A little taste of sweetness to get me happy again.

I am blaming everything I can feel... this is bad, very bad.

Words are cheap, action speaks louder then words. I can sick of conversing online to people who I can hear, or even meet. WHy can't we just pick up the phone and call and pick up the phone? Am I that unworth to be spent time on to talk?! Technology is pulling humanity away from personal touch. When is the last time you ever sat down and have a decent conversation with someone over the phone? For me, weeks with joanne, talking our our happenings. I relish those moment. Why cant the phone just ring?

Sigh...

食品

2011-01-15T21:32:00.002+11:00

Wee, had bought the Japanese cream mix stew for months, today finally got down to make it =D

Cream stew for dinner.
Ingredients: Carrot, korean mushroom, button mushroom, potato, chicken, young corn

It is a successful first attempt =D
Had not expect it to be that filling, or well, love it.
Maybe next time will try some other stuff =D

*skips around*

World gone nuts

2011-01-15T03:09:00.003+11:00

Dear Diary,

I am being emotional all of the sudden. I hate going to NUH. No, it is not the place or the people. Maybe except the freaking 1 1/2 hrs journey which really kills me big time. But the fact that I know I am in common ground with him, makes me feel uneasy.

Thankfully my entire day in NUH NICU have kept me relatively occupied, with the endless knowledge to be absorbed...Before going to NUH, I dreaded, and while I left NUH I dreaded. I thank god for not seeing what I dreaded, but I still feel the uneasiness.

It is worst as we left on bad terms and had never spoken then. It is the chills of fear for bumping into each other again after so many years. It is uneasiness of seeing how much each other have changed. No it is definatedly not the rush of feelings, but rather the fact that I have been hurt so deeply by the single person that changed my entire outlook of life.

I felt better when I told my friend about my feelings, I know for sure it was not affection, but rather the hurt that creeps back in and makes me feel suffocated again. I hate this, I hate feeling so inferior and being so helpless.

I was the silliest, stupidiest person ever that existed on earth that that lived for him. He whom degraded me and made me felt that I couldn't live without him, his knowledge, his power, his ability. Him whom pulled me along on the nose, on his beck and call, till I wasn't myself at all. Maybe it was first love, the magical drug that blinded me and the shake of reality that slam me down to hell and the sheer willpower that forced me crawling back to earth. I hate him for making me feel worthless, but thank him for making me grow up and know I could stand by myself. I hate him for making me losing the trust I use to give so freely, but I thank him for making me stronger and to push myself past my supposed capabilities. I hate him for making me fear of falling in love again though.

Why must after so long, I proved that I could succeed with my own capabilities and through a ironic twist of journey to make our path be in danger of crossing each other path? God, please do not ever let me bump into him again would you? Maybe I will walk past him, maybe I will smile and acknowledge his presence, maybe I will turn and feign ignorance, maybe I will just froze and hope I am invisible, but I am sure the surge of emotions of hurt will threaten to resurface. Should I berate him for treating me like shit? Or should I thank him for making me stronger? I have no idea.

Maybe I am hoping for someone eventually to hold my hands, pull me into an embrace and tell me everything is okay. Will stand by through all, and never leave me in the cold, alone and helpless, and teach me how to trust wholesomely again? I am sick of acting so strong and good, when all I want out in life is just a simple home where I can return to. A welcoming home which I can be myself, needless to hide anything from, a shelter I can turn to when I am upset. Looks, those physical appearance are really not important, all I need is to feel protected, trusted, the warm feelings which I can hold on to till the end. I am being emotional, I hate this...

When I wake up tomorrow, will it be a good day thereafter? Can't you just send someone already so that I can drop my facade and act so strong? I am a girl after all, all the gender equality and bull shit. The world have gone nuts. Or am I just being over idealist, simple minded.

Maybe all I need a good night's sleep, and realist this is all a nightmare on elm's street.

Signing off,
Clo
-may dreams come true in reality-

Craving

2011-01-13T02:22:00.002+11:00

I am a foodie that basically flow with myc raving, yea just like a preggie, just that I am not exactly one, oh well cut the crap, I have a lot of cravings to be fufilled, grr...

I want to go to Prinsep Road to try "Strictly Pancakes". Pancakes with maple syrup, oh my... sounds lovely right?
Where is Prinsep Road? Some one make a date with me and go check it out...

Hmm, one day gonna check out the ALL Day Breakfast restaurant/cafe at mandarin gallery....

Hmm, want to go try that uber expensive Italian buffet when my pockets are deeper, maybe find some special occasion and stuff myself with lovely italian food and their red/white wine...

I need more money, more free time, and of course, to destress...

Goodness, I want to go Hendersonwave to walk out my stress. It is mounting at a dangerous high level. Who/what can relief it or divert my stress to something/somewhere/someone pleasant??

exams, assignments, exam, assignments...

madness...

Mini updates

2011-01-09T19:02:00.002+11:00

Been extremely tired nowadays. All the constant adrenaline pump as the preparations of exams, then projects one after another send one into frenzy and close to desperation.

Got back our results for both Bio and Law & Ethics, however ICA projects and of course AMP related scores are not revealed.

Hmm, this is torture. And my mum is constantly rubbing in that this is the route I choose, I have been yearning for midwifery, now I got it, so I should quit complaining. Who knew that Midwifery would be accompanied with so many other "redundant" things besides delivering babies? Lol

Oh well, I will just make a note here about the upcoming movies I want to watch so I wouldn't forget.

1) The season of the witch (some fantasy movie, seems intriguing)
2)Burlesque (got theatric stuff)
3) The Rebound (Catherine Zeta-jones)
4) Just go with it (Hmm.. depends on story line plot)
5) All good things (Kristen Dunst!!)
6) Morning Glory (Racheal Mcadam!!)
7) Twilight
8)Harry Potter
* smiles*

On the other hand, maybe it has been over exhuasting for me, my sleep seem to be ridden with sweet dreams, haha. One was I dreamt that I had lunch with my friend in a restuarant then after we paid the bill I saw my uncle at the other booth, talk about coincidence. It was pretty much innocent and boring, but still kind of fun to be "bumping" into people. Another was rather emotional. I was upset in the dream, then suddenly someone came forth and showed/told me stuff that made me so touched that I actually cried. I woke up from the dream crying, my god... But don't ask me who, I can't recall or the person's face was unclear, it was a nice dream though.

Okie, enough for nonsencial stuff, back to mugging
tata~

Updates

2011-01-05T02:47:00.003+11:00

The one week break has came and gone like the breeze in the air.

It flew past without me really relishing the time off though.

I spent 23 December with my ex-classmates in Orchard, and did enjoyed myself relatively. I still remember the human traffic was terrible, we gave up queuing for Marche and went to Ding Tai Feng for dinner instead. No seafood paella but xiao long bao. Ha ha. After which we went to statisfy our sweet tooth at Marvellous Cream =D I brought along my midwifery friend who joined us and was pleasantly surprised by how sociable she was despite the age gap. I wish I have half the socialising skills man, or maybe it was women talk so we click fairly well. Then the gals went for last minute christmas shopping aka self pampering trip, with me lugging my heavy school stuff around.

Frankly speaking I wasn't much up to the mood with my shoulders aching like mad, but the christmas spirit was definatedly in the air. Bought 2 dresses however changed them for another 2 pattern in 2 days later in another outlet for the dresses were nicer, and I found a suitable cocktail dress to standby for my uncle's wedding.

I spend my Christmas eve with Joanne, enjoying Korean food, would make a trip back, and bring my family if they are okay with korean food =). We went shopping around in Orchard again, and of course supermarket trip, lolz. Both of us were pretty crazy that day over all the christmas produce and ended up buying cakes home for our family in the end of the day.

I was so caught up with Christmas celebrations that I missed the days and thought sunday just saturday. What a klutz, I am so blur right?! I was determined to finish all the psychosocial and counselling assignments by weekend in order to free up my holiday break week to concentrate on AMP exam mugging especially when 2 days in Bintan is burnt out, leaving me less then 5 days of study. Burning midnight oil, until my panda eyes were so prominent. Gosh~

At least I really enjoyed my Bintan Trip. we spend a good half a day in the Martha Tilaar salon spa. I did hair spa, body massage, foot pedicure and facial. As usual massage did not exactly work too well on me, cause of my ultra ticklish "syndrome", but it did ease those aching muscles especially the shoulder and legs. I do feel I am old man, haiz. I enjoyed the facial best, maybe because I really knocked out there? Lol. The hair spa left my head floating and my hair super soft, plus the person blew my hair straight, so had a "natural" hairstyle that day, instead of my messy curly locks, ha ha.

Enjoyed the food there, as well as the company. Really got to know each other better, and strengthen the bon dof our friendship =) Photos are available in my facebook =D

Went to watch "Love and other drugs" with Jan and Siti yesterday after a hearty meal in Fish & Co. Wow, had not realised their sowrdfish collar for $17.90 is really a huge serving, would go back again just to have a slow heavy meal and shop around =) There are various movies coming up soon, we are often choosing the movies with our favourite actresses, like racheal Mcadams, Reese Witherspoon, Natalie Portman etc. =) Can't wait. The movie we watched yesterday was very touching.

It is about this guy who have some family issues, as he felt that he always fall below the expectations of his parents, not able to complete his Doctor's program, not able to stay in a job long etc, but actually he is a glib talker, sociable, enteurpership innovation guy, of course he has lots of flings with his clients. Then again that was how he met Anna Hathaway whose role in the movie has stage 1 parkinson's disease, and relies on various medications to cope with this disease which will slowly steal what she has in her life. As her previous relationship failed due to the fact of her disease, she was afraid of yet another relationship which will break her heart. She agrees to be friends with benefits with him, however when things go deeper then what she intended, she pulled away only to realise how important they were in each other's lives.
The story has a few twists, stating of the fact that he held the woman dear in heart, he wished to cure her of parkinson's by bringing her for investigations, experiments etc... but to the fact that he had not exactly considered her feelings, and his fear of losing her to the disease they broke up again. But sometimes in live, people would say treasure the moment, no matter how it turns out in future they still agree to come together and of course work things out together. If she can't walk, he will carry her to the destination, etc... it is a sweet revelation of the true love. But its a movie, does it really existin real life?

Will there be a guy who really accepts you wholesomely? Your good, your flaws, and even though you are imperfect in some ways, he is able to accept them and go through with you till the end, hand in hand. Will there be a guy who listens to his heart, and both parties achieve this mutual attraction and affection.
Its something deeper then just LOVE... something I can't place my finger in... chemistry? Trust? Responsibility? Maybe to take on responsbility in protecting the other person, is an ultimate test of love.

When will I find mine?

These few days have been waking up early and sleeping late, feeling so sick and tired of everything. Please, when wil this cramming end? I want time alone, time with my friends, time to do the things I enjoy. So hendersonwave take a breather. Go east coast and cycle feeling the breeze etc...

Sigh

Its holidays~

2010-12-27T02:33:00.003+11:00

Its December, its past christmas, and soon it will mark the end of year 2010, and a new start of the year.

Let's reflect on Year 2010.

2010 has been a very fufiling year for me. I have taken up my degree course and completed within 8 months. Something I will never brag out loud, but it is a personal sense of achievement. Because through a part time study, I have managed to squeeze them up and complete just like a full time course taken overseas. I am sure other people have achieved same thing or even by 6 months, but I will be contented, but I am not the study material if you asked my family members.

Nevertheless I have scored pretty well, and done myself justice. Of course meanwhile I have really sacrificed a lot. I barely had time for myf riends, for get togethers, for movies, the time was to packed, but used fruitfully even though it was just juggling between work and studies. I had no social life I will say, people came by and walked away, I will say things were not meant to be, it will never work out. But I still believe that "what's mine, will be mine in the end." I know sometimes I took the active steps to pursue my happiness, but deep down inside I still hope that happiness will come knocking on my door, telling me the time is ripe, it is him, I can trust that. Is my thinking over simplistic and naive?

Another thing to be really happy about is that I managed to travel to Hokkaido, Japan. Japan is my all time to go country. I ravel, marvel everything about Japan. Japanese language is something that till now I am still fumbling about, only managing the simple phrases that can't really get me by in Japan yet. Japanese food I crave for, and learning to make. Till now I can only make chawamushi, lolz. Japanese rice using japanese grain, but not too successful with vinegar and sake. Ha ha. Maybe one day I will get down to make sushi, ha ha. Japan is a wonderful place to be in, the food, is yummilious, even the supermarket is a wonderful food source. Tell you guys a secret, I have a secret love affair with supermarkets =D

I use to go supermarket and stroll along the aisles browsing the food items, especially when I am down. Somehow by walking down the endless food aisles, seeing what's new, what new packaging, food imported from countries just make me feel much more better. Plus people hardly go supermarket, so if I happen to just break down there, it is still pretty much private. Hush~ Nevertheless the habit have stayed, now no matter if I am happy or sad, the supermarket is a delightful place to explore! I like exploring supermarkets even in foreign
countries, you can see the vast difference, and be amazed by the food produce and candies etc...

Do you have any idea that Melbourne's supermarket actually have this self check-out stations? It accepts notes and coins, and is able to give change. it is faster then letting the cashier handle the transaction, minus the grumbiness of course =p

Japan's supermarket is similar to Singapore, but there by stations that sells cooked food. Like LOTS of them, sushi, fish, origini, bentos, Ohh~ and towards closing them, they sell at relaly cheap prices, and the food sold there is also very tasty!!! For a cheaper price, you get a tasty meal, and it is filling, cause there's rice. Yummilious~ Japanese's milk products are the best! Their milk, their ice crea, their yogurt, oh.. I am swoon just by remembering them. Not the tste you ever tasted in imported milk, so much richer, yet not leaving the milky after taste, very refreshing =D

Ahem... okay, let's get back to the topic proper.
I enjoyed my trip to Hokkaido, got pretty good deals, and enjoyed myself the fullest, especially with the lavender field. My favourite flower =D Should go in spring/summer, very nice.~

Besides that of course, I finally got into Advance Diploma In Nursing, Midwifery, still studying, still struggling, and I relaly hope I will graduate being a midwife, and I strive to be an outstanding one =D Wish me all the best yeah?

My new year 2011 resolutions

Hmm, just browsed through the resolutions I wrote for my yr 2010. I am glad that I actually fufilled most of it.
See... putting your mind to something really works.

Okay, 2011 resolutions
1) I will complete my Advance Diploma in Nursing (Midwifery) with flying colours
2) I will aim to complete my 20 deliveries
3) I will be less critical on other people, refrain from bad-mouthing, grumbling, and just do my part well
4) I will learn to be self-protective, so that I will not be bullied (or tortured mentally)
5) I will save up for a trip for 2. preferably USA, maybe Taiwan again
6) Spend less, save more, been spending quite a fair bit recently (I'm a bad girl)
7) Sleep by 12mn, preferably 11.30pm
8) Practice more tolerance and patience
9) Bring my entire family for a good meal, had always been bringing my mum only xD
10) Masters? or Doula Course? or Learn a new skill pertaining to midwifery.
11) Widen my social circle xD
12) Put in more time to exercise

will add more if neccessary. =D

That's it for now? I am pretty much contented by my 2010, of course there have been up and downs, let's just focus on the good things =D I am forgetful, so forget the bad, welcome happiness.

Its December

2010-12-13T01:52:00.004+11:00

How time flies.
I have embarked my journey of midwifery on 18 October, and the course of 8 months has alreadly been like 2 months? This 2 months have been quite eventful.

Thought I would say it is going better than what I initially feared it would be. I had heard horror stories of how group members are competitive and selfish, and how the dynamics of the group simply sucks, and making your course of 8 months a nightmare and a relief when you end it.

My classmates are generally nice, a mixture of races and different age groups, and of course from different hospitals. We are even planning a small bintan trip on our break week, just to recharge, relax and have fun before we go through the grueling endless assignments of exams.

Tomorrow will be week 9, I would say the start of nightmare elm street? Last week was Bio exam, and tomorrow is AMp presentation 1, Wednesday will be AMP practical(mine's at 8am), then 22 December is ANP exam on Law & Ethics, I had been deovring my past notes, hoping that those amount of notes will be what's tested, ha ha. Of course, 29Dec is Bintan trip..

3 Jan is AMP theory test
6 Jan is research Revision
12 Jan is Psycho, socio ICA at 2pm.
20 Jan is research theory test

Just finish watching Channel U's own movie" Love on Cab", the ending mentioned about love is worthful to be wait upon. Wil it be? At age 22, with hopes of settling down early, and no dates in sight, will waiting for love really happen to me? Lolz, let's see how it goes yea?

November is drawing to a close

2010-11-29T03:03:00.002+11:00

Started Advance Diploma in Nursing (Midwifery) since 18 October, and it is soon my week 7 into studies. Deadlines are drawing close, exams, assignments all threatening to suffocate me.

I really think degree is easier then this torture. Some of my classmates think that other extra modules such as health assessment research, socio, psycho the core modules basically are waste of time, as we are often not applying them to our course of work, or worst still we aren/t following those textbook manner anyway.

WHy can/t they just teach us the midwifery knowledge, delivery process, practical? Maybe that would be more appreciated? Oh, best still if there isn/t examinations included, lolz.

Seriously, sometimes i am wondering if I am growing depress, or maybe this is my premenstrual syndrome, my period cycle is getting shorter, aka more fertile man. So hyperactive that my pimples are just not going away. WHen i see my reflection in the mirror, i get upset, when i see my dark eye circles, i sigh, when i see the piling work I go... oh my god.. when i see the textbooks and know that I am suppose to devor and ingest them, I get headache.

Okay, just say what I did to my weekends. Saturday I went back to school for the maternal postnatal blue pla, wenthome to study the AMP labour medications, then rush off to D&D. O dear, that was a horrible experience, because I actually redid my make up and ran late... Haiz, the make up experience ... make me really down. (PMS lar)
Otherwise the D&D is fun, i really took the opportunity to destress... dance and scream with the crowd. The food is average, the people matter mores.

Stress stress stress....

17 nov 2010

2010-11-17T13:02:00.002+11:00

Some brief updates

on the 14/11/2010, I attended the wedding of my mum's friend's daughter, since my dad was away overseas. Initially I was pretty reluctant to attend as I knew neither the bride nor groom, it was a weekend, and naturally wedding dinner start late and end really late, the next day was a 9am class. However I was pretty much surprise that it was one of the enjoyable wedding dinner I had attended.

I avoid wedding dinners for I often get ridiculously emotional, for I felt that the sacred matrimony of a loving couple is a blessed thing, with an added bonus of well wish blessing from your loved ones. Nowadays trends of weddings often come with animation of how the couple met and ended up falling in love and "stuck" together for the rest of their life.

Perhaps it has been quite awhile since I attended one, which was last year and it had been a boring experience. The couple's love story was rather sweet and the atmosphere was pretty different. Rather than playing the couple's photoalbum repeatedly endlessly with the slow romantic music in the background, this dinner had music MV of what I presume is their favourite love tracks, which is rather refreshing. English and chinese modern and old songs. I felt that they shared their passion with the crowd, they spread their happiness with us, and I got affected by the "love in the air". Seeing how attentive and sweet the husband is towards the wife of coruse make me wish I will meet a guy soemthing like that in future.

It struck me if a woman's greatest achievement is to find a guy who is good to her... Maybe in some point of our life we have expectations of a prince charming riding a white horse galloping into our lives and sweeping us off our feet, which I guess only the minority group will encounter such fairtales. But in real life, how many people really have met the guy who is sincerely in love, so eager to marry you, accept you for what and who you are. Ugly, fat, with a disability? Pretty, stunning, nice? Everyone of us have flaws alike, but who really accept us for that as a whole package? I have never seen a guy expressing himself so wholesomely that he is so happy, so lucky to meet the woman of his life, to spend the rest of his life time with her. SWEET!

Alright, I don't want a dashing guy with a white horse rushing into my life and sweep me of my feet. What I want is a great guy with a big heart who treats me really well, love me and accept me, tolerant of my unpredictableness and my tempremental moods. Does that sounds like a impossible request? Looks, height is really not a matter. If u find a person who loves you from the bottom of his heart, you and you only, accept you for that's what you are, please grab him. xD

I can't believe all the young ladies in my class are married, in fact that got married in 22/23 years old, ha ha, I am pretty amazed, and trust me for my inquitisitiveness I gonna ask what's married life all about and how come they chose to settle down early. It is really interesting to know love stories eh?

Maybe if I am not a midwife I shall be a wedding planner or something.
Delivering new lives and see how a new life begins with the family with the new arrival is some emotions you can't describe. Very profound feelings. Seeing how loving couples decide to spend the rest of their life time together minus-ing the possibility of divorce is another wonderful thing.
Sigh, I wonder if the two best moments will ever be in my life story, but nevertheless the ability to bring happiness into existance is my passion =) Please don't ever take away that.

-to be continued-

Updates

2010-10-26T03:34:00.002+11:00

Alright it has been some time since I updated.

A major update from me, I am temporarily out of workforce, and have officially graduated with Bachelor of Science(Nursing), and is currently a student midwife, pursuign my advance diploma in Nursing (Midwifery) specialization in NYP. Okay, that sounds like a huge mouthful, but hey~ this notion is still sinking in slowly, neither am I use to this yet. Quit giving me that look...

Still, I am getting use to school life. I was tellign my bestie, now I understand why Summer say he nv mug as much as compared to diploma days.
Darn it, on the first day of school I was already at home mugging the Myles mdiwifery textbook. That is a very informative textbook, that has pathetically little pictorial illustrations, full of words and mroe words, of of course those new termionlogies that are still chimologies to me. I simply feel the pressure when the damn BIO lecturer says,"You have elarnt it in your diploma days, so I am nto going to repeat it, you should know." and carry on rattling another verbal diarrhoea of god what nots. Haiz, now it is back to diploma revision daily to incoperate with the new information. Who says that BIO in advance diploma is similar to degree? The systems I am learning now is like different from degree lor?! I was still hoping it has some similarity so I will not die an ugly death.... sigh... I guess its my fate, BIO ... I HATE YOU. xD

I have a love-hate relationship with BIO, I hated it when I study for pure biology in mys econdary school days, thought that nursing wouldn't have biology, and of course I have sadly stupidly mistaken, and now after poly stuck with degree BIO and now again Adv. DIp Bio, it never seems to get off me eh? tsk tsk tsk

I ams till on the rout eof self discovery. I have becomed more OCD then ever. Pathetically an organized freak. I have 2 organizers, and have assembled all my notes into files, and I have tagged my textbook accordingly to its chapter. Hehz...

My graduation collided with my first day of school, instead of feeling uber excited, I am uber bad mood. Imagine carrying bags with notes to school 1st day, dread the missing of lecturer just to rush for convocation from yio chu kang to Singapore Conference Hall it is at elast a 45mins journey, and I am almost late. Rushing intot he hall looking hapzard with the gown, I felt more like a ruffled princess out of place isntead of feeling the "wow". Totally miserable. I have no idea why the feelings were so wrong, must be due to PMS that day man... But well things still went smoothly, I had not tripped and fall liek I usually do, nor fumble through embrassing situations, thank god for that...

My life is still a void soemtimes. NYP just brings back those memories, which I have seemed to have erased most from my mind. Selective amnesia I guess? My bestfriend was just tellign me how I was in poly days were still as clear as if it was yesterday, but the incidences she told me seemed so foreign, so surprising, macham story telling >.<" Oh man... in my heart I was thinking, was I hurt that badly that my mind, my heart have chosen not to remember those memories after all? I am experiencing flashbacks occasionally. Like when I go to my locker, while I am on the way home on mRT, while I walk past the canteens, and waltzing through the short cuts passage ways to classes. The feelings felt kinda sour... I'm sorry if my ex-bf ever encounter this post, but I really don't like the way my friend narrated my behaviour, nor the flashbacks. Those flashbacks are not images of me, but rather the psycho emotional feelings that wave pass, I feel hurt, and the instant reaction was, "FORGET NOW". Nevertheless, it belongs tot he past. Since at the moment I had decided to bury it to etch ti somewhere that even I can't remember, I shall choose to left it just the way it is.

My life... is it moving on? Indeed, however it still carries the hurt I realise at times, like when there are chances of romance in the air, the trust issue, the hurt issue, never cease to stop me in my tracks. I promised myself I will not act like a fool ever again, throw my dignity, my pride away just for a man, who eventually will thrash my feelings like dirt and leave me isolated, hurt, trembling in cold. I seek warmness, but I fear it. I yearn for love, but I am wary of it. Irony huh? How will I ever get pass them? When will I ever learn to trust again? I suppose I can't push the responsibility on the man and say he gotta make me believe in love, but I think rather it should be me to solve my own problem...

I need to get out of this mess.

Anyway, that's all for now. Will continue my midwifery "bible" nightz

Update

2010-10-01T00:26:00.002+10:00

It has been a short while since I updated.

i am please to say that every since I let out my bottled up feelings, I feel like a new person.

An important lesson learnt from the past events is, "Never wait for things to happen. Waiting is futile, it will be like waiting for rain in a drought, I did rather take things in my own hands, and do the things I want."

Instead of waiting for him to occupy my time, I decided to plan my schedule pack tight cause then... I knew if I had allowed time for my time to be free, I would be incredibly sad and rubbish thoughts will run through my mind like nobodies business. Even in the end, my action was interpreted as a rebellion to not giving him time, I decided to retaliate by commenting, "Why should I give you time? If you had wanted me to give you time you would have asked earlier, not now, cause it is too late. No one has the obligation to give you time of the time without prior appointment! You can't just wait there at your spot and wait for things to fall at your lap right?"

Recently a particular phrase I came across gave me a deep impression. The scenario was the realisation that he only have half a life span than others to live, and the revelation caused him to change his priories. Initially it was studies, work and play before settling down with the girl he loved, but ever since then, he decided to spend as much as his balance time with the girl he love, and to cherish the moment.
I reflected on the phrase," What would I do if I have to live my life twice faster than others? Would my priorities change?" Definitely, the first thing that came to my mind is, "If I have such a short time to live, then I have to do the things I want, I can't wait and procrastinate, or hope that it will happen. Inf act, I will just do it, create something out of nothing at all. In fact, with such a little time left, there isn't time to bother about the nitty gritty things that make you "happy" in life. I will not be bothered with emotions that put me down, cause they are a waste of time. I want my memories to be filled with happy things, cause I want to make my balance time worthwhile".

In fact, I know my body better than anyone, and I will be truthful to say that my health is not what it is before, it has been deteriorating since 3 years ago, sometimes when I am people-seeing, I am overwhelmed with my thoughts. There is a mixture of people out there, with vary dreams, lifestyles and personalities. What am I? How would I define myself? Do I like myself? What have I done so far for me to be proud of who I am? Instead of being envious of certain things, I want to be that!

So... yes, I have to live my life twice faster then people, and I shall make ti worthwhile, I shan't make the same mistakes. I will not "wait", I shan't "wish I did so & so, Hope I am like this & that". I "WILL".

I will watch the movies I like, even without company
I will do activities
I will occupy my time
I will pick up new skills to improve myself
I will change. Be a better person. I will learn to ignore the ill remarks from people, stop letting them affect my morale, I will be happier, cause it is my life, not theirs. =)

18 of October is a special day, because I am officially a full time student, studying midwifery, and I am also officially a degree holder. Even though I will be missing some lessons and rushing for graduation, it will be worth it. Once in a life time opportunity!

Continue from before

2010-09-18T02:09:00.002+10:00

I shall continue from where I left off previously, even though I am not in the very optimistic state of mind to blog down the happy things I have done, anyway here goes...

It has been some time since the events occurred, so.. I shan't go in chronological manner.

I bought the Tiramisu mix from Muji, and did my favourite dessert DIY at home. Okay, maybe tiramisu is not my most favourite dessert at the moment, I am still possess a sweet tooth. Desserts never fail to make me happy. The dessert is kinda idiot-proof, so a clumsy klutz like me manage to create 4 little pans of tiramisu and ate with my hearts content. Sadly speaking, my family is not too much of a sweets favourite, nor are they very confident in my culinary skills, thus I have all 4 pans for myself, ha ha. Yes yes, I can't really whip out food that seems to be just out from picture books, but this dessert is edible. But I wouldn't purchase it again, for tiramisu to me is an exotic dessert with just the right hint of alcholol that melts in your mouth and lingers as you take a breathe in, and the dried alcohol powder isn't effective, non-existent sense of luxury =.= Tiramisu is best with finger sponge dip in tiramisu wine, which of course the DIY mix doesn't provide, so it is more like tiramisu pudding. Bleah.. Oh yea, another critic from the dessert fanatic is that despite it not satisfying my love from tiramisu at the powder, I must say for a DIY mix the cocoa powder they provide is of good grade. Not some cheapo cocoa but premium bitter cocoa that makes you cringe with its flavor, but it doesn't match with the tiramisu mix, so... too bad..

I had a day out with my bestie, where did we go too eh? I have short term memory these days I really can't recall happenings that are pretty recent, could it be orchard? Hmm wait, I recall now...

I have been to hort park again, pictures up in facebook. I have always wanted to complete the hort park journey ever since my first vist, and I have finally did it. We were like a pair of idiots prancing around the tedious track under the unforgiving blazing sun, if not for the constant slathering of sunblock lotion I would have officially become fried pig man. Yes, I admit I am proud to be fair, and I want to stay it that way! Ha ha. The sights are interesting, but the journey is truly long, my calf's were slightly aching, but thank goodness for the daily exercise I have enforced on myself I am just drenched with sweat, whereas my friend looked like she would faint and collapse any moment. Ai yo, go climb the stairs, do stretching exercises and hula hoops are beneficial okay? Light cardio exercise rocks~ Anyway after the whole afternoon of torture, we unwind at spinelli cafe just opposite vivocity, now I know where to seek for my caffeine rush in vivo area, no more coffee bean/starbucks/pacific coffee that offers a kick so light that leaves me still half dead =) my San Francisco spin =D Love it! Originally wanted to continue to Sentosa, but we felt that we have toured on our feet for a decent distance that wouldn't wish to subject our body to lose any more ounds than necessary, so we gonna postpone to another date, soon soon!

I made a trip to my optometrist and requested to have some disposable contact lenses, darn, contact lenses with astigmist is really bloody expensive, in the end got dailies instead of monthly. Would be playing around with contact lenses when I go on important functions and when I meet up with friends, with work I guess it is okay to look my second best yea? Ha ha.

On days I did not venture out I am coped at home being a faithful owner to my stubborn pekingese dog, Toto, I guess it simply grows on you, seeing its willfulness and actions just reminds me of myself and my family man... Picky on food, attention seeking, affectionate at times, act cool, but mischievous by nature. Wouldn't come at your beck and call, however when asking for favors it would do the silliest of times to make you roar in laughter and succumb to its request no matter what it is. A simple blink of its eye or an expression on its face is so captivating lar... although at times it just makes you so mad that you have to spank its bottom and scold, but the anger just subsides as seconds pass. Ha ha. That's my dog =)

Besides accompanying my dog, or what Toto would say otherwise, I have been reading up on books related to interpersonal relationships, self improve books, body language books. i think my preferences for books have been altered over the years. I use to really love those romance novels, be it in Victorian era that ladies curtsy every now and then acting like damsel in distress, or modern romance novels with ladies in need of some spark in their life, I may have out grown those books. Instead my fingers have danced to genres with deeper meaning and stories, hard to show examples, otherwise I would also be pretty much interested in body language books, books relating to human mind. Eh... Very chimology though, need to read more to digest them, so please do not mistake me as a guru ya? Please do not start acting like I am a self obsessed freak, everyone have their interest, so have you, you aren't a freak I believe so.

You might have asked why am I changing so much, why am I occupying my time so much, unlike the past where I did just slack my time, wasting my life away. A day ago I was totally distraught and devastated...
I had planned my leave, in hope that my overseas friend would arrive and we would be meeting and touring the city, but alas, he did arrive. It wasn't a repeat of history where my promised delivery of tiramisu, aka konrad, fell into slops. Just that instead of meeting with me, he met some others, who I have no idea, ah... so mysterious. I would just blog everything down and be brave and up front about my misjudgement of friend. I couldn't understand why our pact on bring him around and such would just fall flat, even flatter then ground surface, no plans of meeting up even. But I am not a girl who would be waiting for your calls and messages, hoping that you did just ask to meet me finally, no matter how much I dreamt to, naturally to take m mind of unpleasant things I would occupy my time, doing things I like. In the end of the day, it turns out that he was waiting for me,a nd me for him, so nothing ever happened. And I have tried, so explain to solve the issue, but still I felt that even when I said my piece, if he had really felt the same way id id, he did show more initiative, but sadly nope. All I had been dreaming of where just dreams, it was almost like a repeat of history just that feelings were deeper, and thus I fell hard, really hard, I cried almost as much as I did two years back, sobbing and totally dismayed, however I knew then that being so passive, if he had showed and acted more interested, things wouldn't be the way it is today. As a female it is truly uncalled for to be the one always telling you how much you meant to me, I may lay my heart on my sleeve, but I am not going to stoop so low so you did step on me all over and over. If you thought that was what I am made of? You have sadly mistaken. Even though you were a really great guy from what I know you as, but you have your flaws so I have, I just feel that two passive people waiting is like waiting for rain in a drought, things would not work out, and will not work out because I am just not a part of your life, and never once a part of your plans, and it gonna stay the way it is. I wouldn't feel resentment for you, but rather it may have been a good friendship, but my feelings destroyed it. I will let you go, slowly, and I promise I will.

Right now I feel like writing a message to you, conquering the bravery for I knew it will be a message unsent to the intended. This message would spell out my feelings and nicely wrap things up once and for all.

When I first knew you, I thought you were a really interesting person. It isn't the first time I have befriended a foreign friend. What attracted me to you int he first place was the honesty and the intelligence you portrayed. As I knew you deeper, and our friendship grew, I was glad that I could make a friend like you, and have a connection so strong despite us being thousands of miles apart.

When I knew you, I was just starting my degree, life for me was extremely hectic, days felt like seconds for every single moment was packed with activities, be it work or studies. I would admit I am not cut out academically, however you are the first friend I knew who have so much passion in studying, degree in human resource, in psychology, and even master studies in them. You have been overseas schooling and even stayed overseas for a length of time which I simply am in awe of you. That is the dream I have, and it seems like an unattainable dream to me. Partially from knowing you, it provided me the courage and passion to plough to to finish off the crazy journey I had so rashly decided. Due to my hectic schedule, I do not have enough time for my family nor friends, time spending outside doing the things I love have diminished to such quantity that days would have been so miserable. But the time difference we had seemed like magic for with you, I still felt connected socially. Maybe it was like magic, how the charm of yours just drew me to you. never did I knew why you did always deem me as busy, whereas I would think you are getting on with your life ensued with so much activities that I always treasure the minimal time we spend chatting. I did not dare to compare my life to yours, cus to me my life is just studies and full time working, while your is part time working with erratic timing, crazy situations, crazy study timetables, long travel distance to and fro school to home and to work. If you did say I was busy, and I think for you time is never enough. Even though I tried asking you why I am perceived as busy to you, when I try my utmost best to make time for you, the reply was always vague. Maybe time for you wasn't adequate, I had no idea, but you seem like man of few words whenever it comes to sensitive issue like this.

I am not adept in expressing my feelings, even though I knew my feelings for you have definitely grown stronger than a normal friendship and I sensed that you might even know it, for a while I truly thought there was a connection, however things simply fizzle out. Truthfully speaking, I have no idea where things go wrong between us, if time would turn back, but stay still at this moment for where you are where I can see you face to face I would really tell you I like you, you are special and I am attracted to you. But things have since distingerated between us, misunderstandings drowning deeper and murkier. On my personal point of view, I do feel that you are not willing to sort out the issues from the first place. When I tried asking you if you were mad at me, why would you say things are different from last time and you do not have much to say to me, you had not showed any actions that really wanted to sort things out between us. I bared my soul to you and told you how hurt I was with the words you chosen to say, and put down my dignity as a woman to express how much you meant to me, I received nothing short of coldness from you. Soon after you came waltzing into my life as it like a menacing wind to tell me how good your life had been going, how well settled you are, and how much affections to feel towards a certain unknown girl and hope that things would work out the way you want it to me, my heart just broken then. I thought that after much misunderstandings my feelings for you have faded, but then I realised you still meant a lot to me, and had a pretty huge impression to me that tears just poured down and I literally felt my heart aching. I know so drama, and emo eh?

to whom it may concern, I would not lie but say you were indeed special to me... once before. My first love had hurt me a great deal before, it left a huge scar and I do believe it has healed, when you came along into my life as a friend, I treasured our friendship and was afraid that my feelings towards you will break whatever connection we have between us. I would have kept them deep in my soul if you never touched the shores of Singapore, but when you did and never once called, never once asked me out, never once demonstrated a curiosity of this friend you made for more than a year, i really think I am just a virtual fantasy of yours.
My feelings for you were expressed, telling you how much you meant to me is something i as a women have bared my feelings to. I have constantly been chasing after you. Trying me make myself a better more intelligent woman, worthy of your notice, to match up to your expectations. But I realised no matter how much I do you wouldn't take a look at me the second time. No matter how many flowery speech you said before, there were all words never actions, I like you, it is a fact, but I am letting you go gracefully as woman, for maybe both of us are so passive things will not blossom at all, maybe we are just not meant to me. I hope you will be happy, cause you are a great guy, which I do not have the honour to know better.

Goodbye, it is time for me to shelve my feelings away. I will not force my life into yours and complicate your life.
this shall me a farewell letter that remains unread to the intended.

Wan Lin will be brave, even though the rain is pouring outside, as long as I stand there the thunderstorm will soon be over, right?

The handwriting on the wall

2010-08-30T00:44:00.002+10:00

I finally read "Who Moved my Cheese?"
So I gonna share the pointers up here, so that I will read them occasionally and reminded myself on the important essence of the book.

1) Change Happens, they keep moving the cheese
2)Anticipate Change, Get ready for the cheese to move
3)Monitor Change, Small the cheese often so you know when it is getting old
4)Adapt to change quickly. The quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you can enjoy new cheese
5)Cahenge, Move with the cheese
6)Enjoy Change! Savor the adventure and enjoy the taste of new cheese!
7)Be ready to change quickly and ejoy it again & again. They keep moving the cheese

The end, or is it a new beginning.

Oh I love reading weekend Today, cause you there is a couple of writer who writes interesting columns. For example there was a coloumn regarding fears of being single/being married. And when people ask you why are you still single or keep matchmaking you with people who just happens to be single whom they know, the way to get out of the situation could be just saying," I'm not on a journey just to find a life-partner. I'm on a journey to find people who will be in my life forever." Sounds nice, isn't it?

My leave is like a journey of self-discovery, to change myself, forget the bad cheese, and move with the changes that have inevitably occured in my life.
On monday, I met up with Joanne. We have a fantastic Breaskfst at Macdonalds, and cycled at East Coast Park. My bum hurt a lot, but at least I managed not to tumble down the ground and scrape my knees. The sun was unforgiving, but the company was surely pleasant. I moved on to suntec and enjoyabled sinfully at the "all you can eat sweets buffet" at MOF. =) I believed no matter how much sunblock lotion I applied, I had gone a shade tanner, lolz.

On tuesday I took an impromptu trip down to Adeva Spa, however only to realise to my dissapointment that I can't enjoy its complimentary treatment cus I am not the co-M1 member. Boo hoo, anyway I did made the best of what I could since I was already out, and I did my favourite thing- People seeing with my favourite bread from epidor(cheese & onion) and long walks. I am being an increasingly fan of long walks, just not on days with thunderstorm. I wouldn't mind walking under the sun, cause there's always refuge under the umbrella. There isn't a problemw ith rain, cus rain can mask tears if I am upset, it can even be romantic when I just like my thoughts flow, just not when the thunder is rumbling and the lightning is flashing before mye yes, that's scary!

Alright that's it for now, I will continue what I did for my leave another time. Shall do more reflections next =D
nightz

finally some updates?

2010-08-17T07:33:00.003+10:00

It has been quite some time before i decided to blog.

Certain things have been occurring in my life currently, evolving and changing, it is not something very positive thus, I wasn't in the mood to update at all.

Recently my life I found ever since I completed My degree, the pace of life have since slowed down to an alarming speed. Previously it has always been on the go, like on an adrenaline rush, forever with something on hand to complete. Now that all I need was the wait for graduation, it is so boring.

I did mention regarding gym and baking classes, ti is like slapping the words back in my face, it is kinda hard to find lobang that is reasonable. bleah. Sigh

Well sometimes i wonder if my life is like a laze. Recently I have to force myself to pen things down on my organizer, put up a "to-do" list in order to force myself into action. Imagine telling myself, okay Friday you gotta bathe the dog, you gotta tidy your room, it is in a horrid mess, look at the dust, look at the piled up rubbish! Silently berating myself, before I finally get down to my knees and dug out the old forgone and throw them away. The things were there for ages, not thrown away for I always tell myself " I might find a need in them someday, I might regret my actions", however I am telling myself, oh cummon I have been leaving them at the spot for ages if I needed them, it would have be done so earlier, if I ever need them i gotta buy them or something, out they go. So my past toys, my puzzles and god knows out are all out in the chutes.

The friendship I have been mentioning previously might have a part to play regarding the change in me. I am starting to be reminded of the Poland friend of my. The dateline I gave myself is placed. And it is suppose to be the date of arrival, but recently I found that things seemed to have changed? Like the say feelings fade, it could be to the fact that I am growing tired of the passive waiting person. When i wait for him to be the first to respond, I end up being disappointed. When I am the one to make the move I feel annoyed. He wasn't making a conscious effort to keep the conversation cycle going on. it feels more like a shut down then a refresh with a to be continued kind of thing. Misunderstandings might have happened, but he was never the one to point it out, and I am blur. I do not know if things go wrong and where went wrong if you don't give a darn hint or say it out. When I try to make things better, things just still remains as it is, as I found out. I feel that things weren't the same, it can't go back to before, and I am sick of waiting. Liar.

I need a wake up call. Like seriously wake up, I keep falling for guys who make me feel that I am not good enough. When will i feel appreciated?

In work, there are inevitable things that goes on beyond control. I do not wish to try to change things for it is not worth it really. I need some control over my life, and I am really planning to control the remaining I have on my hands. I can't control what people think about me, I can't control what people feel about me, I can't control how things turn out, I can't control happiness or sadness or emotions, but at least I can control the way I do things the least right?

I am heading to the library, I am going to soak there, and borrow the books. I am in mood for the particular genre, like seeking for some harem to hide in. I am feeling really miserable, I wouldn't deny the fact.

I will try to put at least 30 minutes of hula hoop daily. Then progress back to my exercise routine. I want to feel good about myself, sweat it out. I hate the way i am now. maybe I am having some psychology issues. I don't feel my body and mind are sync...

Having migraines ever so often recently. Stress when my mind is so empty is like the sign of madness, ha ha. Maybe it is an inward pressure I am placing on myself. What should I do. I really have no idea what I can do now to make myself feel happy.

Heart breaks is inevitable, it was already foretold and forewarn. I have stubbornly willed that it may work out, but I have came to senses that it isn't. It did not came as a shock... what word should describe the emotion I am feeling now? Betrayal? maybe, that is why I am feel like a fool. A retort suited for this would be " you nv asked, so I did not say" mind you that is a imagined retort. I will let go, I have to let go. I am bottling my emotions neck up, I feel suffocated.

I just feel like things are happening beyond my control. I do not have a choice or say in the things that are happening. I am just here seeing those feelings fade away, I tried solving things but I can't help it if they mention "I just feel there is nothing much to say to you". that was probably the last straw. The only thing I can do is just move forward, throw away the past, tidy up the present, and build up a better me and occupy my mind. Meanwhile forgive me if I feel lousy and am distant. I promise I will be better. I will be sunshine soon.

Update

2010-07-07T22:59:00.002+10:00

I am back from Japan, Hokkaido an 8 days, 6 nights trip.

It has been a wonderful trip. Thinking back it is like fufiling part of my childhood dreams, dancing around in a flower garden, fully bloomed with different types of flowers such as roses. Going crazy with the cutsey characters, posing with soft toys, soaking oneself in a toy room with disney characters and different cartoons. Once again found myself in a neverending lavender garden, the air filled with lavender scent, so much that I can float to 9th heaven. Eating japanese food is yummyilious. I love ramen, udon, soba, sashimi, sushi, uni, onigiri, bento sets and more. I have grown fatter, ha ha.

Alright let's share the experiences in detail shall we, so when I get dementia, I can read back the entries and refresh the fading memories when I am older.

First of all, pictures are found in my facebook, not all, just some selected shots, cus I took like thousands of pictures, the flowers, the scenery, the food, camwhoring, you name it you got it. I even have shots of toilets, bedroom, futons, ha ha.

Otokoyama Sake Brewery Museum- We went for a tour in their sake bewery mesuem, listen to how is sake being made, from the purest of rice, down to their mountain water. There is free testing available. Sake have different degree of dryness, for people who prefer something sweet, it is also available, but I felt it was a little queer after taste. We bought their finest sake, and it tastes great, very pure and smooth =) They also sell snacks to match the sake, it is made from the remaining rice pulp, like popcorn type. It tastes sweet, nice, but sinful.

Sounkyo Gorge- It is at the foot of mountain daisetsu-zan, or otherwise known as the roof of hokkaido. We took a ropeway huge type of cable car like singapore's flyer, just not as grand, up to see the view of hokkaido. As it was already summer, we were lucky that the view of snow capped mountain remained. Summer at Japan is soarching hot, the hottest was like 30 degree celsuis. But towards the mountainious area, it was much mroe cooler. Hokkaido is similar to melbourne, they have drastic temeprature change between the day and night.

We went to see ryusei-no-taki fall and ging-n-taki fall, pretty view. They have dailiondons (sic) too. We had great fun blowing the 'weed" and watch its seeds go flying with the breeze, ha ha.

Okhotsk sea ice museum- We went 3600 feet down to view their in house aquaruim filled with deep sea creatures. I saw my love- starfish =) I did not have the courage to touch it though, ha ha. We spotted the dead skin sucking fishes, tried it. It was a strange experience, numbing sensation, aww~ We saw the famed ice floes, they name it sea angels cause they are so tiny, almost transparent with gills like wings, seemingly liek an angel.

Okhotsk tower- this observation tower allows us to immense ourselves in a -20 degrees celsuis environment, chilling, cold, very very cold xD. Freezing but fun. Can't imagine how Johan can live through winter with temperature such low as that, and adjust to Singapore's humid, hot torrid weather.

Okhotsk seal center- We have a closer experience with the rare sea seals, they look very similar to sirotan, strange in Japan there isn't sirotan brand either =( I would have bought the seal plush toy if there is, such a pity.

Had great fun making authentic glutinous rice cake =D Now I know it is not glutinous rice, but using sake rice, steam it, mash it, pound it, massge the dough etc. There is a couple with the tour, who made the interesting remark to do it back in singapore, ha ha, that is a lot of tough work. The pounder is oh-my-god huge, heavy, ha ha. Anyway, it was real fun. Japanese make glutinous rice cake for special occasions like wedding, so we were pretty privellge cause we made it on a normal occasion, ha ha.

Lake notoro- we were suppose to see the changing colour of glassworts, yet I see nothing like bush of weeds in a lake where it is downtide. Argh, not the best highlight of the trip aftrall. The lalangs were more pictureseque.

Abashiri prison- visted where prisoners were kept captivated. Not a very cheerful place cus the area is small, crampy, and the stories told on how prisoners were treated were indeed saddening. I remember the tour guide mentioning bathing once every 2 weeks in summer. Oh my freaking gracious, early summer is already that hot, imagine doing labor, and not bathing, sleeping in a crampy confined poor ventilation place with so many other inmates, and shower time is only a total of 3 minutes, in fact water bath is only 3 minutes, how pathetic it sounds? Sitnky too... Abashiri prison is a tour highlight place, so they have garden, really nice garden. A place where it is filled with flowers. All the ladies went snapping, posing, snapping, gushing, ha ha. Very nice back drop =D Lovez

Drived pass Oshinkoshin fall, no longer where tourist can enter as the rocks are not stable, dangerous area.

Visited Lake Akan, and stayed overnight at their onsen hotel and watched their Ainu tribe performance. What strike me was their strong vocals and beautiful lusious locks, ha ha. I must be pervert, instead of eyeing guys I am looking at girls They have really great skina nd hair alright? Most of the japanese skin are so soft and white like tofu, soft and silky. Their tresses are soft, healthy and shiny. In the city, their tresses are styled in fashion that makes you go, how did they do that, it looks real pretty. Singaporeans don't really make as much effort as them I must say. Their dressing sense go to details so much as to their hair, clothes, shoes, make up, accessories, Oh man...

Ikeda winery castle- to sample the finest wine of Japan?! Well, not very fine, did not taste great at all the white wine. As it was raining did nto really explore the grape vine, wasn't very interesting.

Furano tomita farm- is the best highlight. Lavender farm!!!!! My favourite flower. I was so afraid that I wouldn't get to see lavenders cause lavenders are suppose to bloom slightly later then the time we went to hokkaido, so we are very very lucky! Lavender scented air, lavender field, endless lavender blooms. =D My ideal bouquet of flowers is not roses, not tulips, but give me a big bunch of lavenders, tied up with a ribbon, I would fall in your arms with a huge kiss, ha ha. Okay okay, stop day dreaming. Their farm shops also have very nice decorations, snap snap my camera went snapping away, I wouldn't mind being a shop assistant there, Ha ha. Everyday will be heaven, surroudned with lavender bloosm, beautiful back drop =D

Furano jam Garden- More than 48 kind of jams, different berries, vegetable flavor, but just nto lavender flavor, ha ha. They have ampan man shop. I have no idea what is ampan man until that day, well the first floor is all kids stuff, 2nd storey is ampan man protraits, very nice, they also have a softies, pictures available in facebook =)

Finally some shopping at Asahikawa, however it was already late the shops were closing soon, and we have to source for dinner, so in the end, I just attacked one very cute shop and finally got myself a card holder, soem pouch and soem other cute stuff, ha ha. I need to fufil that kid in me right?

Asahiyama zoo- animals are similar to Singapore. Finally saw peacock with its glory, ha ha, ti si real pretty and arragont, xD Penguins, lion, tigers, sea seals, wolves, bears etc. Nice, but the weather is unforgiving. Sweatz

Nijo seafood market- Where's the harbour/ Live catch? Fishermen yelling out killer prices and slaughtering the fishes theat are alive and flipping in a gross manner? None, I can't even see tomatoes =( Not very interesting in my point of view. Crabs, clams, watermelon, handmade ramen, tourist chocolates, etc. Not up to my expectations. There it goes, the higher the expectations, the larger the dissapointment.

Sapporo beer factory- Tales on how beer is made, the three main components required to make good beer is beer flower, wheat and water. Allowed free tasting, so I gulp down a glass of sapporo classic, sapporo black label, sapporo beer non-alcholic. The classic has a smooth taste, whilst the black label has a stronger after note. The black label would be suitable for snacks like cheese and beer biscuits. The non-alcholic beer tastes bland.

Otaru- the town of music box and pastry, glass works and many more. The music box are fanciful, beautiful and totally enchanting, but the price is steep! Never bought oen as planned, but I found a small store that sold royce chocolates for a steal, relatively cheaper then the town, so glad I bought them for my sister. Otaru canel is a romantic hang out area especially in the evening as they have no lamp post, but gasoline lamps, we did not went there in the evening, could just imagine how nice the scenery would be...

Bear ranch- is one of the most saddenign experience as the bears which were suppose to be ferocious were "trained" to beg for treats, they make actions to please you so you would give them food. The china tourists seemed to be jeering at the bears, really... not cute. Felt pained by the sight instead. Oh, and the bears stink. Shouldn't the government revamp the area instead, like the ashiyama zoo where animals have freedom in a habitate created similar to the nature instead of acting in such un-bear manner.

Noboribetsu jigoku-dani valley is otherwise known as the hell valley where you see the origin of the onsent water we have soaked ourselves in. The strong smell of sulphur made me related tot he chinese old tales about snake demons, they definatedly will die instantly witht he strong stench, aww.. We walked the long endless track to view the crater of the voalcno, which is fenced up and literally boils every 5 minutes. Free facial by sticking your face over the hot steam, ha ha.

Finally sapporo

Odori park- took pictures with the multi flora fuana and the grogeous fountain while taking pictures of the sapporo tower that looks like the paris eiffing tower.

Ishiya chocolate factory- is a childhoods dreams, I had great fun there. Wonderful small houses to play in. Glass houses that reminds me of the victoria times where ladies sip tea and cakes while viewing the rose garden. So many rose arches and different shade of roses, oh my, rose scented garden makes one's head go a little heavy headed. Ishiya chocolate is nice, but it doesn't make me have the craving for more, thus I skipped buying the chocolates, unlike others who seem to love the chocolates a lot... The even bought several boxes o.0 The factory is designed with europian russian style, very enchanting. =D

That is an over view. The meals we ate were wonderful, buffet style with various type of japanese cuisine, I would never be sick of Japanese food, ha ha. Their seafood is fres, thus freaking expensive...

I enjoyed my tour in Hokkaido. Finally wore a yukata. Finally soaked in an onsen. Finally immensed myself in the japanese culture. Finally went to a japanese shrine, made prayers, wished for a divine lot, tried the things I always dreamt of. =D Once again lavenders,a nd mroe lavenders, my room is like slowly lavender scented, lovez!

Gals who wants to visit shopping in Japan is recommended to go during their summer period, from July. The discounts are all around. Worth taking a look, but japanese brand stuff are really expensive. I love their supermarket! Ha ha, I am a supermarket girl, doubt anyone would be crazy like me to soak in a supermarket to walk aisles and aisles with a satisfying grin eh?

That's all for now. =D

I feel happy caused, I fufiled one of myd reams, I am back home, my friends did miss me (that's a private statement, hush people who didn't), and I enjoyed msyelf.

Dreading the deadline, cause I have been procrastinating. Oh, and I have mixed feelings towards august,w ill be be a good month for me? =)

Updates

2010-06-24T17:39:00.002+10:00

So much for updates, I wonder where I should start from

My month of june with definatedly end in a happy note for I am leaving the unhappy things behind and soak myself in the land of rising sun. My secondary school dream come through. Through my childhood days I have been dreaming of going to Japan, and now it is finally there. Banish all the ill memories of guys telling you "wait till I have money then I bring you", for Wan Lin is going with her own money and bring my mother along.

I wonder what is wrong with me at times. Fighting to be so strong and independent everytime but deep inside of me, I just want peace, have some one to depend on, allow myself to be wilful and pampered on. However every single time I lay my heart, I put my guards down, the trust is always misplaced. My judgement ends up wrong and leaves me hurt with spliting old wounds and fresh raw wounds. The old saying says we learn from mistakes, maybe I never grow up from them. I am growing increasingly sick of letting myself being so vunerable and weak when others just take advantage of it and speak ill on you.

Sometimes all I ever wanted is someone to stand by me, place their trust on me. When I am down, they are there to lend a shoulder to cry on, lend a listening ear, lend a hand to help you back to your feet and continue the journey of your life. Life is full of ups and downs, there is no denying that life isn't a bed of roses. I fully understand that we can't pleased every one, but surely there are people who appreciates you for what you are, who they are when they are with you and accepts your flaws alike.

I did wish to share more of my month, but the heat is getting into me... I need a refreshing beverage. ciao guys.

P.S: People say I should give up on something that seems so far away, but I feel it was worth waiting for. But recently I do wonder if you have every felt the same as I do. At times I feel taken for granted, being too nice is to be appreciated not treat like a post-it note

Finally

2010-05-30T13:21:00.002+10:00

It is closing to the month of May, and this is finally an update from me.

The past month(s) have been a whirlwind of activities. PPI and MHC is truly two heavy modules that I strongly advice anyone NOT to take them up together, ha ha.
PPI is all about ethics, moral values and such, when it comes to personal values and law it causes so much conflicts that make it hard to pen down the hundreds of thoughts that took my mind by storm. This explains why I need to redo the assignment 2 to straighten and sort out the thoughts into proper academic writing. Yet, I am still immensely happy that I took both modules up as it marks the last of all assignments and of course examinations! I am free, my time is now me and myself only. I no longer have to sacrifice my leisure indulgences for work, this is so relieving!

MHC exam to me, till now (before the results kick in), is a joke. The questions are relatively okay, since as my friend mentioned it is all in the notes. Of course a few tricky ones, but I bet even those who had no prior reading could be able to sail through the exam with a gleeful face.

The dateline for PPi and MHC is 31 May and 4 June respectively, but I have managed to submit them before my personal deadlines,a nd I am so proud of myself. After allt he late night burning and rushing for completion, my hard work have paid off. Speak about being competitive and stubborn spirit. xD Compete with oneself is a valuable experience I have picked up through this August'09-May'10 period, it has proen my own self-worth.

Yesterday I was on the way to Jurong Point after work to mail off my assignment on the weekend, and thankfully there was company, who distracted me throughout the dreadful long journey which I am sure I would have given up halfway (I hate travelling to the "outskirts"). Okay peeps who read this statement will think I am some bimbotic pampered princess, but when you are dead tired travelling out of city zone (my comfort zone) is pure torture. SO please excuse me, alright?

Talking to her, we somehow shared about our relationship experience, and I have found out something new about myself. Previously I have mentioned I have finally let go of him, but my bestie had always mention the shadow of hurt had failed to leave me, but yesterday, I have succeeded in walking out from the past. How so?

I feel that being able to relate to your past and reflect to your past wrong mis-doings is a crucial part of letting go, learning and forgiving. Able to appreciate the happier times, and wish him all the best is a prove that you have no ill feelings towards him. Able to admit "Yes I love him, but it is in the past. I do not hate him, for he made me mature and shape the way I am now. And I am happy for the change" is probably the crux? The crux to say, bye past love, thank you. =) When I said went through the process yesterday I have the odd feeling in my chest, like a sort of regret things turn out this way, but a feeling of relieve as I am able to put things down after probably 2 years and more?

You have done a great job Wan Lin!
You ahve prove you are not a weakling, not a simple, stupid lass like the past years, that is one big improvement, continue the fantastic job =D

Work have been quite the same recently. But I am growing a litle tired of the similar rountine with different cultures that have set in. The environment is slowly disintegrating to selfishness, a point which I don't quite recognize when I first started of... I have the urge to leave this place.

The relationship with my overseas friend have been progressing as per normal, as I mentioned he would be coming over in August to pursue his studies with a scholarship, hopefully he will be staying for a few years to boot so we will slowly see how things go?
As the month have been hectic, it had place a toll on my health, I forgo my exercises and even sacrifice my beauty sleep. I am suffering from insomnia, thank god for the lavender sachets I place at my bedside to calm my tense nerves... Anyway there was a recent incident which i felt touched, for it is the first time he have openly expressed his concern over my health. That was very surprising, for previously if I am down with cold or sore throat, he would say it is like a normal thing, common (grumbles some), but this time round maybe he got enlightened or soemthing (sounds so mean), the heighten concern do make me feel special. hahz, so much for corniness. But oh well, there are various more expressions for appreciation which I am not going to share here, tee hee.
The bottomline is friends. Personal belief : Bear no expectations, for expectations bring dissapointments. Things that happen beyond your expectations are sweet gestures which you appreciate wholesomely. That the sense of wholesomeness is something you shouldn't trade for anything else.
Let's just take whatever that happens in future as it is. =)

Oh yea... I have still this strong affectionf or lavender, so much so that I have bath shower gel in lavender essential oil, hair cream with lavender extract, and lavender sachets, lavender flowers, damn my room should be purple, not green. xD Did I mention about a treasure bottle of lavender hand cream to?

*smiles like a fool*

I feel good about myself. It is like something "done" from my "to-do-list", now it is more things to come. I feel that doing something like languages courses? Need to source for good value ones... and gym... need a reasonable priced one... Oh.. my friend jio-ed me to take up make up/ wedding planner course, like every females dreams yea? My live is so grt!

=D

Updates

2010-04-25T03:48:00.002+10:00

It is already well past midnight, and I am still awake, listening to the new korean songs from a new Korean Drama "Cinderella's Sister". Awesome~

Lemme reflect on my week. I would not say it had been fabulous, when my friend asked me how many days had I work till my current off day since I was shag, only then I realised it had been 8 days. Wow~ Been how time flies. Work do keep one pretty occupied eh?

How was my work? I have no idea how to describe it explicitly so you could understand. Hmm... My long term patient is still there, though probably I had got use to her presence, the ill-boding feeling have started to ease off slowly as she start to grow on me. Well caring for her, I can't help but to question my actions, if what I have done for her is correct.

Recently I feel that I am really not suited for palliative, especially when i am taking up PPI. While studying on exploring ethical, legal, medical issues, I start finding the situations occurring around me extremely conflicting to the point I feel extremely insecure. Just for one really saddening experience- Morphine "overdose". I wonder how would one diagnose morphine overdose. Could it be the patient is over sedated? Why would one be over sedated? Apparently too much of sedatives aka morphine. So is there an error of treatment? If I have done things according to protocol, like following all the written legal instructions, I am clear. Of course I am in the fault of not obtaining a nerve relieving drug, an incident which had caused an huge uproar. Nevertheless, is it right to keep the patient pain free? How do we manage to nurse a palliative patient pain free, yet alert enough to converse with her loved ones? For once I would agree with Prof Ho, "our management is poor, the patient is either crying in extreme pain or over sedated, she can't talk with her family." Palliative team, what can be done? Drugs for nerve suppressant, calm her agitatedness, control her pain, where have gone wrong? Haven't we been trying to titrate her drug dosage? Meddling with the frequency and dosage of her analgesia? Ensuring no excessive purging- like what the hell?

Why would one order something, and yet conflict with "no you shouldn't"? I simply can't understand. What is written is an order, how do you define when to give, since every one's perception of comfort and pain is different. Plus none of us are trained in this area, I would feel we are harming her more than giving her the last stage of care. The management should try to improve in this area. Send her to some place where people are train, send people to be trained, send her to some where which is truly what she wants.

Have we explored what the patient truly wants? The patient would be defined as incompetent to make a competent decision, so the family will decide for her best interest. Do they know what they are doing? Do the doctors even truly know if the treatment providing the best for her?!

Do I even know what I am providing the best for her? I always strive to get a rationale in the things we do, cause I wouldn't like doing things blindly. However... look a sedated or groaning patient. I would say it is near impossible to get her up and alert chattering away right? So what is the appropriate choice of care? If for you, what would you do?

It is a conflict of personal interest, moral issues, even medical legal issues. Like patient wishes. What is pain? Is the treatment appropriate? Is the care we providing adequate? What could be done more or less? Have we attempted to know what she wants? Or because of her condition, her wish is not our command? The questions goes on... Palliative suxs (for now)

I would feel the insecurity is creeping up on me to the point I feel that I have lost the goal of what I wish to achieve. Is a specialisation in Singapore what I truly wish? Do I truly want to go overseas? Is overseas for study or work or both? If so, by when? What is causing me to hold back? I have no answer to them.

Love is like a game, however it is a game I am poor at. I would lose at mind guessing. We can never understand what the opposite gender wants. I read somewhere, Love is not finding the perfect one, but when you are in a relationship, you grow in it and learn to love him. You have to understand and accept, not everyone can do it as we come from different backgrounds, culture, morals, thinking etc... It is so easy to say you have to accept them for what they are.

I have to start on my second assignment and continue my MHC assignment, the deadline is creeping on me, and I wouldn't want to be acting like cat on hot bricks... I need to find my bearings some how or rather...

Busy week

2010-04-09T18:12:00.002+10:00

My week seemed short, yet pretty occupied.

Room 22 was Prof THH haven, all of his patients were under him 4/5 were diagnosed with CA, and 4/5 patients were on hourly observation on a fateful wednesday evening. It was nightmarish, work was non-stop. There are hourly monitoring, endless reviews, endless complains and non-stop crop ups from one patient to the other. I truly felt like throwing a fit and stomp out of the ward, I give up xD

Thanks for the doctors and my capable colleagues we managed to knock off work on time, hip hip hurray and kudos to us. If not for the team work I doubt we could survive the horrible evening.

Yesterday I went for the last nursing retreat work plan, however it seemed that it is not the end yet. I am verbally asked to join the nursing image council which I am pretty tempted to join, after all it would mean more recognition to my work, but of course additional work, but I do like the idea of following up on our idea and making sure it goes through smoothly. It is like conceiving a baby and making sure it delivers to the world safe and sound right? I know I am crapping.

Anyway presentation yesterday in my opinion was not the best. The venue was too cold for comfort, as it was freaking hot when I left house, I left the jacket at home, thinking that I would be freezing as usual, which was proven wrong. I had to bare 5 hours of Alaska temperature, enduring to the end till my presentation. My fingers were freezing, my vocals were trembling and the coolness of the temperature shot up my nasal sinuses till it hurts terribly giving him throbbing headache. The cold refreshments provided in the earlier part of lunch did not help! Ha ha. When it was our turn for presentation was was shaking on stage, not by fear but with cold!

My voice was shaky and I had to force myself to go slow and steady as I would inject more confidence on stage, however it is still not good enough, I feel xD Stumbled through a few words, and made a minor blunder but otherwise it proceeded smoothly till the end. After the 10 minutes presentation I was so glad to scramble to the table where finally hot beverages were provided. I could probably understand an inkling on how people feel when they spot an oasis in a desert! LOL

I was genuinely surprise when Andy, my senpai came up behind me then though, striking up the conversation which made me feel at ease. It is nice to have some one familiar when you are expose to such events under great pressure. I think we are the few people who are least experience participating in the "big shot" event. Anyways, it was funny when he joked that I was sabotaging his presentation earlier. Well, wasn't really on my part as I was forced to represent our group, and the part I "sabotaged" wasn't his idea either. Ha ha, but it was funny nevertheless, really broke the ice in my opinion. While he poured the beverage for himself he got scalded slightly as the opening was close to the dispenser. That's why I think he was gentlemanly enough to pour the beverage for me. Or probably he saw how cold I was and was in no shape to dispense the hot water without scalding myself big time. The gesture made me felt very grateful. =D It is often the least expected gesture that brought the warmness into your heart. That's why I often tell myself to have the least or no
expectations, so the world would seem to be a beautiful place. Things happen and you feel happy. And happiness would occur at the little things. =D

I was glad that he stood beside me while we had our share of beverages while the presentations by other 3 groups ploughed on. Ha ha, was too absorbed in our conversation that we missed half of what was shared alater, how silly are we?

Anyway wd64rehab is going to close, I wonder how would he be dealing with it, and which discipline would he be kicked or sent. Surely with his active participation within this circle, he would still be favourable position... Best of luck for my senpai...

On a lighter note, I hadn't really expect my senpai to treat me well after what happened in my poly days. After all, everyone who had knew me before, seen my "koala days" have all had a bad impression on me, and first impression often stays and my image have of course been tainted. My friends who had known of me, I could say most of them still holds a certain image of me, I can't blame them, it is human nature. But sometimes I would wish human beings to be more forgiving, and give themselves and us a second chance, but I wasn't the same naive girl before. If he would get to know the real me, maybe the prejudiced feeling wouldn't be so heavy? I wonder... Nevertheless, Andy who had seen the me before, and have accepted the me now, I am very grateful!

Tired...

2010-04-01T03:26:00.002+11:00

Work nowadays is kinda the same these days. room 20 is ring fenced, so we would be only be expecting GYN patients in room 20. I do miss nursing my antenatal patients and postnatal patients, assisting them with breastfeeding. Sometimes a change is always like a breathe of fresh air, however not when your nasty old patient comes back for a case that is totally out of your scope-palliative nursing mets to everywhere when her female organs have been removed surgically.

It is pitiful to know your patient is suffering great pain from her diagnosis, but it is a pain in the ass because I do not like nursing CA cases. I chose this ward for its happy occasions, I had not expect it to turn up one day with cases slowly filling In ith early or worst last stage of CA. I really wish to take up midwifery, just like when I was going for break I saw the nurses in A station hurriedly pushing the delivery set while they were contemplating if to deliver the patient in the ward or to rush her down to labour ward. Since it was head at perineum, the midwives in our ward with the assistance of the HO we delivered the baby safely, the mother was fine too. it was not as drama as you would dream of. Not the screams wailing, and bloody mess, delivery can be very clean and messy mind you =) I am not trained int he area, I can't comment much,b ut I do admire nurses who si cool, calm and steady and assist the process of delivery smoothly. Kudos to them. Bringing lives into the world is a job I would not trade for anything.

My friend mentioned I would to have the chance, but I really doubt it, so I shall just content myself in assisting people, bring the smile and joy into their lives with their little bundle of joy. My aim, my passion.

Been staying up late to type out the PPI assignment, this is so tiring. In the end got the nice doctors in the ward to edit for me, lots of things to amend, and I have not settled down for I am really tired, shoulders aching, I do need a good rest. Before I "chiong- again".

Things are not progressing as smoothly as I desire. Since I have decided I would change myself, regardless of how people feel I should stick to the norm, I have decided to be more courageous and be myself more. I should not be afraid to change, and be more daring to try new things. Step out of my circle, even though little by little, at least I really have to start taking baby steps. =) Gambatte ne~

I decided I have nothing to lose by trying him I have slowly starting to really fancy him more than I think I should. In my heart at the moment I was telling myself, I have to say it out, at least I know if he feels the same way. if he doesn't I would put a brake to those feelings, if he does I would feel happy because it is mutual. But unfortunately, he decided to define our relationship as pure platonic friendship. Be it that he does not have an inkling of like towards me, or he does not have to courage to face his feelings yet, or he does not intend to progress anything more than just this for now, I really have no idea, and should not need to know. As I promised myself, i would put a brake for these unwanted feelings and shelve them properly.

At least I have a wonderful friend. Whatever guys I might or might not meet in future, I would still say it is to them to take the initiative, I would be friendly as I deem suit, but no I would not be rushing to say more than I deem suit.

I like you, but we are only friends now. You seem so keen to prove that other guys are interested in me, you seem to think I am always busy, You seem to feel that I have this magnetic charm around me, but if I really do have, I did wish you were the one affected first, and ends with you, it is tiring to start making choices when I suck at making them. However since you made the choice to stop things here, I would respect your decision, good friends we would be. Not a ruined friendship. =)

updates

2010-03-27T17:08:00.002+11:00

It has been an eventful week, and I had been feeling rather terrible especially after someone asked if I had an emotional break down...

I was pretty pissed and shocked I admit.

I was chided for adding oil to fire when the person was cool and calm enough to try to resolve the conflict. I only excuse was that I cannot stand for anyone who attempts to misunderstand me, especially if it is making me out like a lying, false teller. When I am right, I do stand by my stand, I would not argue my case, unless it truly involves my principles at stake, or as I found out I values the person too much to risk his view of me like a stained window.

However it all did not work, it seemed like both parties have strong stands, and I have since stepped down and attempted to extend the olive ranch of peace, trying to be nice and keen for peace. This time round I was the one paving the route to resolve the conflict, but was asked if I was having an emotional breakdown... Those words just simply hurt too much for me to attempt to argue, all I could do is to smile and walk away.

Really, I had my fair share of giving in totally to whatever quips in my relationship, I do not wish to experience yet another giving in episode making it seem like I am a loser and to be taken advantage off, when this time round I really was not at fault.

Emotional Breakdown? Yes, I am affected by those mere words, enough is enough. I think I need some time out. I can't just keep being the nice party, smiling and cajoling every single time right?

Workplace isn't as fun as before. My life isn't as vibrant as before. I am sick of this.

I went out with my best pal yesterday and I told her I was getting tired of every single thing, I have sacrificed alot pursuing my degree, and I can't wait for it to be over. I want to change my entire outlook of myself. I don't wish to be the indoor meek flower like before, I want to do the things I want to do since forever. I want to start my Japanese language, Korean Language lessons, I want to take up something new, I want to learn yoga, make up, attend workshops, attend classes, learn dancing, I want my twenties to be fun and fulfilling, fully packed with things I always want to be, but did not dare to be.

There's a phrase she told me which I added on to my mantra, "Keep holding on, do not indulge in negative thoughts, keep holding on, pushing on, do not break part, keep yourself intact, because in future when you look back you would realise everything than would be just a part and parcel of your life, gone with the wind."

I told her, " I would do things in my way, holding on to my conscience, never to please anyone. It has been too tiring to please everyone and end result would be being hated for they thought you are a boot licker." Being nice, being joyful, bring a smile to every one's life is my strive, I have done nothing wrong.

I need to push on to my final lapse in my degree and off to my pursing my the next dream.

I really wished you believed in me, at least a little, I really thought you were what I make you out to be... I am not having an emotional break down, I do not lie to get into your good books, for even if you aren't what I made you out to be, I am what I make myself out to be, true and non deceiving.

When feelings are hard to express

2010-03-24T01:44:00.003+11:00

When I broke up, my friends tell me I will learn to love again. When I fell down, I told myself I will learn from my mistakes and stand up as a stronger person. When I was deeply hurt, my friends told me time will let it heal.

2 years have flew past, I have learnt a lot, gained a lot, matured a lot. My friends told me I fear to love again, and I am silly because I am depriving myself of the choices out there, they urge me to be strong and brave once again. But I couldn't, I knew I can't survive another emotional upheaval that will send me spiralling down to the deepest sorrow and learn to stand up once again. My heart has learnt that it is fragile, and if it is shattered once again, I have no idea how will it heal to be whole once more...

He once said he isn't into online relationship, it drew a invisible barrier between us. To me I interepretated it as we would only stay as friends for now until the time comes when we meet in person. Thus anything that exchanges between us would only be purely friendship. No matter how nice, how sweet, how much he made my heart skip a beat, I told myself, no... I can't fall for him. it felt like a forbidden relationship.

It felt as if the trump card is on his hand, he is the only person that decides the fate of where we are going... I chanted the mantra over and over again every time I felt a jolt in my heart, telling myself this is platonic friendship, stressing that nothing will come out of this and harbouring hope isn't going to change the way things are. The higher your expectations, the larger your disappointments.

My local tutor shared,"It is not the things that matter, but the people that matter most." His explanation was..."Something happened, maybe your sister broke the most valuable, expensive ornament in your house, but it is not the item that mattered, but whether your sister is okay, is she hurt?" Somehow it linked to me, things can be bought, but the heart cannot be bought. Somethings are more precious and can't be exchanged for anything. And it made me suddenly realised that no matter how much I stopped myself, I have indeed developed feelings for a guy who tells me, "don't"

It feels like a trespassed, breached something. And I can't do anything, I feel so lost, so helpless, I can't say desuki desu, because it isn't allowed. Must I really stop this feelings? I can't decide. It has been so long since I find myself being intrigued by a person in a positive manner... I am the silliest lass... sigh

I really did wished he would listened to me, believe and trust me at least a little. But now when I close my eyes, I have this sinking feeling in my heart cause it seems like the ball is in his court, and I ain't strong any longer. Perhaps it is the start when we drift apart? grow stronger? i can't predict...

Someone please tell me what to do

To myself

2010-03-22T01:06:00.002+11:00

Staring at the screen while words just float through my mind, are they coherent, or are they not? I have no idea, I can't make the sense or head out of tails or either of them. Emotions are so hard to pen down nowadays. Gone were the days I could just write down my feelings with no restraints. Perhaps it was the growing up sensibility that made me realise that being over transparent with my feelings would be of no benefit?

I wonder what just happened just now. Does feel like an argument. An argument I felt very indignant. I hate it when people misunderstand me, jumps into conclusions, and when you attempt to give explanations or clear up the air or state your thoughts, they are just not receptive at all stubbornly standing at their views and not considering your feelings.

I even have prove to show that I am innocent, I did not purposely cover the facts when all along I was honest with everything! Bullshit! Honest doesn't pay. kindness doesn't pay.

When issues occur all he have to say is he tried his part to open the way to exit an argument and push the blame of me adding fuel to oil to fire. I feel pissed, upset, helpless and lost, speechless even.

What can I reply to a curt statement that he isn't going to think I had not been covering the fact all along? What can I say? Nothing but the fact that I can'tAnother seriously honest answer. I am honestly the most foolish, silly, stupid woman ever existed!

I wonder the fact I am reacting in this manner. Was it because my principles are challenged? Or was it I have fell into the hole I told myself it was not to be trespassed? I think it is both.

All I need is the fact that you realise I had not been lying. I am not some evil lying bitch and I am feeling you are making me up as. I hate this, detest being stained or labelled as a title I have all along been misunderstood since forever. I thought you were different. Seriously thought so... Have my judgement err once again?

I am sick of getting up being beaten, hurt and in tears in the end... Make me cold, emotionless and void to love.

So that's my annual leave

2010-03-21T21:49:00.003+11:00

Annual leave begins with a supposed morning meeting, which was subsequently postponed to Thursday at Holiday Inn Atrium.

Tuesday was spend at home, taking charge of the house as everyone in my family went for work. Taking care of my dog, making sure it has it meals and toileting, mopping the floor, washing the luandry, cooking dinner and playing with my dog. Plus note there isn't any signs of assignment writing yet, happily procrastinating with experimentation of japanese grocery purchases bought on monday.

Well updates... Main dishes (the fish and soup) turned out well, but the rice turns out weird. it is most likely due to the fact that I steamed the sweet potatoes on top of the rice, so with japanese sushi rice seasoning it turns out with vinegar and sweet potato taste. Very acquired, but not relaly widely accepted, ha ha ha. Oh well..

Anyway, wednesday morning was Sandy's PPI tutorial, went along pretty uneventfully, met up with my mum and went shopping for awhile. Eyed a few items, and decided to return on Friday when the sales start before grabbing them =.=

Thursday was an interesting day. nursing workplan, at Hotel Inn Atruim with all those SNMs, NCs and SSNs, very little green horns like me, besides my senpai! ha ha, glad to see a familar face I could relate to. help some new friends, saw a different side of our senior management, the good and bad, not gonna elaborate much. But yes, they are approachable, and can be rather motherly. =D

Friday was bomb day. I bought so much things that chalk up tp $200 plus. Ha ha, I am feeling a pinch in my pocket now... The highlight was the discovery of great tasting dessert as the food center near OG. Their almond dessert, black sesame dessert as well as their tao suan is so nice! Thumbs up! Will definatedly go back there and try out their other more divine selections. Their fishball noodles are excellent. Well I heard their claypot rice is not too bad too xD That is another place I could check out again the next time. =)

had lecture on friday, saturday and sunday by Mr. David Stanley who is a very engaging lecturer, there is no need for coffee to keep your adrenaline pumping. Very interesting, passionate lecturer, who is a male midwive, so experience! Interesting to see a midwive of opposite gender. Everytime when a lecturer comes and share their different knowledge, expertise, views and culture, I always feel that Singapore has so much more to improve on and worth learning. On the other hand, I learnt England may not be as rosy as we thought, one nurse to 12-16 patients, and they are also like us, under the doctors! Oh man.... But victoria is different =)

My mind is kinda fuzzy at the moment, Shall update more in deapth reflections next time =)

I really do hope to recieve a call and hear his voice. Wonder if it would be like totally incomprehensible due to the accent or probably one of those that set your heart go wild. ha ha ha. Just joking.
cheers

Mini Update

2010-03-16T17:09:00.002+11:00

As everyone know this is the start of my Annual Leave, I had initially intended to slack and play and rest, practically lazing around doing nothing, but then things start to ring up after one another, I guess I am not free in the end, besides the fact that I do not need to go to work. Ha ha.

On Monday I was supposed to go for the workplan meeting, which was cancelled last minute, thus I was unable to make it for my preplanned PPI tutorial 2, and have to make it up on the Wednesday. In the end, I took the day to go out with my mummy who is free and we went out! Finally went for the complimentary La Mer Facial. Thankfully it was not a session of squeezing, as I would then squeal out in pain, it was more of a relaxing, pampering session where the beautician pile up tons of expensive, fragant smelling products on my face and did facial massage. The feeling is queer as I hardly ever go for facials, and when it involves shoulder massage, I thought I could cry. Not cry out in ecstacy mind you, but rather the fact that I am 100% ticklish, I was using all my will power not to squirm, and giggle. Gosh the few minutes of neck, shoulder massage feels like years to me. *sobs* I did not really float out of the cabin like people had described to me, but I really feel great, my skin is pampered and feels really smooth, ha ha.

After that we went around shopping, had the crazy urge to buy something, but ended up empty handed as I had not saw things that caught my fancy. However we got lots of Japanese grocery from takashimaya, their special soya sauce, which I strive to experiment in my cooking, and of course the long awaited japanese rice vinegar, however my family is not cool with the fact of the need to use Japanese pearl rice as it is full of protein and carbo (fat fat fat~ but screams oiishi!). I will sneak this vinegar into my cooking pot tonight since I am the chief~ (shh~) And try it out for myself, to prove if the usual rice grains do not work well with rice vinegar!

What?! There isn't any harm experimenting right, besides it is still edible together with the other dishes I am preparing currently. My dad hardly complains about the food I make, of course sometimes they turn out disaster, muahahaha.

Hmm, we went to Isetan Kyuushu Japanese food fair yesterday and try out kyushuu food delights, truely tempting! Their wagyu beef, pork belly is great, however my family don't cook steam boat at all, nor are they receptive to the thought of grilling it plain thus I think we would only have them in restuarants, ha ha. The food fair make me really excited in going Japan, I hope the experience well be equally awesome!

It seems like the rountine of chasing one another around the globe is back in fashion. Last time I use to stay up late till 3am to converse with my poland friend, now I am waking up in wee hours to chat with my sweden friend. I do not think it is a very bad thing though. Nor is it like a form of giving in, as the fact of time difference stands, and I may be sacrificing some hours of sleep, and he is sacrificing the time to do work and delay his rest just to talk to each other. The feeling is unexplainable, I do wonder how long this will last before everything breaks a part. (sounds pretty negative)

Up to now, it still feels pretty worthwhile. I found someone who believes that there is time for everything, no matter how busy, at least there is still time for some words. It is a nice feeling to be of pirority among the maltitude of tasks evolving our lives. Let's cherish this moment, for no one can predict what will happen in the future.

Reflection

2010-03-14T22:42:00.003+11:00

After attending so many tutorials, seminars, retreats, lectures, concert, I felt it is pretty crucial to do some reflection on my week happenings. Maybe I should adopt this habit. According to my local tutor, reflection is essential as it allows us to do critical thinking, reflect what we could have done to make it ebtter, absorb the good things we learnt and learn from our mistakes.

I relaly enjoyed the maternal medicine course seminar as it relaly gives insight on obstetric unit. Pregnancy is not only forcus on the woman's womb as the effect of pregnancy complications can relate to several of our organs. Dermatology, haematology, hepathlogy, orthopedic, rhuematology issues are also linked. A simple preeclampsia has tons ofthings to watch out for. It also provides me the knowledge of the rationale behind the things we do. It also further enchance my knowledge of patients who come in with SLE etc. What is SLE, complications, what is SLE flare, remissions etc. It also highlights the severe risk of a simple hyperremesis. Truely in the end of the day, pregnancy is something god given, but not to be taken lightly. WOmen should cherish each chance of pregnancy, and husbands should appreciate the fact that their wife is taking the risk of childbearing.

Attending the nursing retreat is a very rare opportunity in my point of view. Majority of people who attended are SNM, NC, APN, SSN, acting NCs. I feel really the greeniest horn amongst all. Feeling so lost and unessential as I sat among my group members seeing them with opinions ever ready to provide. Thankfully I made a new friend, a dermatology specialist nurse who guided me, a really sweet girl, which I admired a lot. Not only she taught me abotu retreat, but also gave options on nursing career path. I start to wonder is there a OBS/GYN specialist nurse? Should we venture to that direction? Nursing Retreat is the opportunity for us to brain storm various ideas and present to our ADNs, DN and assess the issue. The ideas we present will be discussed upon and acted upon. I pretty like the direction of nursing our DN Prof Lim has stated. Nursing in singapore to me is never a respected choice of occupation. Public have never truely appreciated the work of nurse, nor have the government ever tried to upgrade the standard of nursing. Just one classic example, nursing course GPA is the highest, you can score 28 and enter nursing, but business you need less than 10 points, it makes public feel that nursing is a dirty job, easy to study, easy to enter, and all stupid people who barely scrap a pass in O'level or ITE can enter. Which is so wrong. Nursing is easy to enter, but it really requries a lot of patience, passion to perservere and sustain.

The direction visualised is a Hospital academy for healthcare (wootz), pay rise (super!), IT directioned with e-imr, e-charting (can work out in long run) and most importantly the ebtter image of nursing! I told my mum, sometimes it is the people you work with that makes you want to stay, and under Prof Lim I feel that it is worth staying in SG afterall xD Yes, nursing should be a respected occupation.

I volunteered myself to be in the workplan group, hopefully to learn more from our seniors and plan out the pathway which I feel is ideal in nursing. So far I have been given the chance, tmr is our first meeting, and I really hope it will turn out well. =)

Overall, I feel that Nursing retreat is a good experience, very enriching, educational, eye opener. Not to say I met several types of people, and to side track I finally experience first hand how a person can "butter" the superiors to thickly and not blink an eye. I really couldn't do that. If praises and compliments would get you the position you desire, I rather to prove it with my capability. At least I feel at ease with my concience, my principle.

Tutorials so far have been stressful, with all the whole bombarding of what to expect for assignments are really duanting. PPI is a lot about laws, I felt overwhelmed, as though I am partaking law instead of nursing. I was joking with my collegues that next time when we argue our case we have to mention," According to SNB code of ethics 1.2, nurses should ............, and therefore your actions have failed to abide the standards required of you." Sounds hilarious, oh well. Stressful at the same time. xD

I have been given an opportunity to attend a concert by my friend, which was a church gathering. I am a freethinker, and was not exactly keen to hear those rpeach which I totally dislike, hwoever it was JJ Lin that compelled me to attend and experience for myself what a concert is like. I like crowds in shopping, but crowds in concerts have often put me off. However I would say the event was an eye opener, it wasn't rowdy, in fact fun and everyone is really friendly. The strangest thing about the people involve in the church are super friendly, which kind of scares me a little. It is amazing when my name was mistaken as Monique, xD Wan Lin becomes Monique, how queer? But I would say it is really crowded and noisy, so it is excusable, but the funniest thing was Monique according to my friend was the guy's ex-girlfriend's name. Gosh, that sounds weird! Nevertheless, JJ Lin is awesome, up until the preach part where several halleluyah or whatever it is spelt was proclaimed repeatedly and I was ZzzZzzz... Not out of disrespect, but rather respecting one's religion is important, but forcing it upon another party was undesirable. But my friend was sweet, nothing of such befalls on me. =D

Finally, I will say guys are queer creatures?!
For once I feel that I am really lost in the guy-gal translation.
I don't get it when a guy says he does not want an online relationship as he does not wish to give empty promises and false hopes. It sounded to me pretty much to me like he wasn't keen for any commitments until he comes over. However the subsequent conversations flew by pretty much confuses me, contraindicating? I have no idea, but once I really feel flustered. I know I am the girl who prones to think/reads too much into things, even to the extend of one-way relationship. Thus I have learnt never to put my expectations up, as the higher the expectations, the large the dissapointments it would be... This time round I had been trying to practice what have been preaching myself, telling myself nothin is concrete until the moment he touches down in SG, meets up with me subsequently and we shall really decide the direction this would go, but this so far have been pretty unclear... o.0

However my friend have kindly shared various tips on body language on how to know if the guy is interested in you, let's share shall we? While I slowly digest it into my system...

=the guy will look into your eyes, but look away when you look back at him
-he will treat you more than just a friend, and will seem to be always there for you
-he will "accidentally" touch your shoulder (maybe physical contact?)
-he will mostly take initiatives to talk to you, however sometimes he will pretend not to notice you, and see if you will start the conversation, Rationale?: guys are irrational creatures like women
-he will try all means to get to you, or get you to him
-he will ask how you are, enquire about you
-he will enquire about your past relationships etc

now these are the tips I gonna keep in mind, cause I have discovered myself pretty blind/dumb to those signals, now those will become handy!

Offically annual leave this week, so I shall enjoy. Look for articles, assignment writing, meeting for data anlysis, nursing meetup, tutorials and lectures, very fufiling. Can't wait for a life more sedentary though... at times xD

Updates

2010-03-05T21:50:00.002+11:00

Lotsa stuff have been happening, thus the delay in updates.

The week break is over and it is the start of a new semester, the start of disaster, ah ha. It is back to studies, work, studies, assignments, and rush~ My last semester, and I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Lately working in Central station is getting more challenging by day, I hate deaths, and there is an impending one, I really hope it is painful for the patient. It is heart wrenching to see the family members surrounding the patient and there is really nothing much they can do.

I am really happy recently as my ward sister have send me for this maternal medicine course, a 2 days events where professional doctors will be speaking on obstetric related topics with regards to pregnancy, how different body systems can relate to pregnancy, what complications and they too answer some burning questions of my. Like is it true that when you are pregnant you must steer away from medications? Not true~ =D Even though some are pretty pack with information in an extremely monotonous way, I would say I am still committing the dozing to la la land before back to attention, opps. Ha ha

I am also in Nursing retreat, however I am totally clueless on what to expect, all I did was to give my input and on both meetings I am late, one was during to miscommunication, one was due to seminar delayed, it is so embarrassing. I wonder how the other team members view me, must be thinking that I am some stupid young nurse coming to a serious meeting always late and useless. =.="' I really wish I knew what is relaly going on and what to expect... Plus the team leader is our ADN, stress...

Recently caught up with my best friend, Xing Li, after several months. She was busy with her advance diploma, and me my degree, we did not meet up as often as we promised, which I felt regretful. Like breaking the promises made, feeling quite guilty actually. However spending the evening at her house doing the data analysis is rather fun. It really brings me back to fond memories where we work together in the ward with complete trust and rapport. I miss Xing Li! Anyway research is only half done, I bet sister will be chasing hot on our heels in no time.

Recently have been planning for the Hokkaido trip, I am really intending for a all provided tour, hopefully by SIA. Let's see how it goes, it is really a headache trying to plan things, especially when it is not my forte.

One of my friend recently broke up with my boyfriend. I relaly had no idea what happened, where went wrong since my friend had decided to keep things mostly to herself. She simply mentioned things in in bits and pieces and shuts her trap, so I guess there is no helping it. All I can say is that I would be there with her, and hope she can forcus on her studies and new work environment. Like work numb the pain, let time heal her broken heart.
The incident reminds me of the time when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, it was a difficult decision I made for months before a silly arguement broke things off cleanly. nevertheless the trauma and the hurt still lingers. Till now the fear of commitment remains, though I still believe the right one who comes along will prove to me that true love still exist. Even though I do not view relationship with rose tinted glasses, believing that love is 24/7 proclaimation of love, I would still hope that the essence of traditional love exist.

To me love is when you do not have to say much, and both parties understands the unspoken. Love is when even though we have flaws, we can accept and appreciate it rather than picking on it. Love is when you trust the other half, no matter if they are half a world apart. Love is when even though he does not hang the words "i love you" on his lips, you know you stand an important place in his heart. Love is monogamy, faithful, open, accepting, sacred, nuturing. It brings out the best in you.

The friend I mentioned before in previous posts I am pleased to say there are progress between us, step by step, and it feels really nice. I will just let it grow on its own pace, hopefully when the time is ripe, we will have a moment together which I can share. =)

kudos

Farewell

2010-02-26T02:36:00.002+11:00

The lapse since I last post had lots of unhappening eventful happenings.

It has only been the start of 2010, and start of tiger year, tons of unauspicious unhappy things have happened, is this a bad sign, okay I am getting kinda "mi xin" here.

My collegues' mother-in-law/father/mother/husband, and 2 patients have passed away. I hate unhappy happenings, esp deaths. I hope this cease.
There is a saying that bad things come in 3/6/9, it has been the 6th cases I known, please let these things stop, I am not sure if I could withhold any more upsetting things.

Incidents have occured in the ward regarding the safetly of our patient, be it medication error, falls, or even surgeon's over-look, I hope things turn out for the better.

Working in Central station is a challenge. Constant discharge planning, continous HD monitoring in the ward, elderly elderly patients, irritating patients, irritating relatives, constant referrals to under the sun. I hate this. This is even worse than ward 73. Wan Lin loves challenges, but it seems that certain staff are either inexperience/express total non-interest, everything some day will fall back in my hands and I have to clear the shit for them, tidy things up. I am also human, I get tired one day, I make mistakes too, I don't know everything... Can't we do our part and make everything work? Goodness, I hope Central is be like when I first worked in Wd 53A, peaceful, like an antenatal, postnatal, occasional straight forward GYN case, that's it...

Cm is O&G Party, my friends and I will be participating in the dance to a song "sukiyaki" a very famous old japanese song that even my mother knows. Translated to various languages and version, and we would be dressing in "kimono" and dancing in mock japanese dance style, so... all I hope is we don't screw it up, because we lack practice. So stress!!!

What will tmr bring? Can you foretell?

As life have been busy with exams, then unhappy things, then dance practice, I have been hardly hanging around too, so does my friend who has projects, work, and ITELTS test to take. Best of luck~

I hope the snow storm in sweden cease, and spring will come fast with the sun bring warm to melt the snow gradually. I hope things will turn out fine in the end.

If I love you as much as I love Football. I would Hate you xD

Love,
Wan Lin

=)

2010-02-19T00:45:00.002+11:00

It is nice to be one of the first to be notified of good news.

My overseas friend will be coming over this august to commence his scholarship studies, ain't that awesome?!
I like the way things are now.

As I mentioned, it has been quite some time when you recieved greetings from a person and you do not feel pressured, stress or irritated. A momentarily douce of honey sweetness is a refreshing emotion =)

Peace.

Eve of CNY

2010-02-13T17:45:00.002+11:00

Woots!
I am writing on the eve's of Chinese New Year, and a start of a comfortable "leave" Returning to work on the Tuesday, enough time for recuperation of energy, and time for fun! I will be loving it, most probably.

Work is still the same as I reported in previous posts. However we are transfering out granny to another discipline. It is sad to see a long stayer leaving us, but it is also an relief as it means a stop of neverending orders. During my time I send 20/4 to the OT, though not without a battle. Yikes. Had to force all her impacted stools out, with her purging so many times my poor collegues have to change the bedsheets countless of times! *grumbles* Chasing after the blood bank to give us FFp, calculating the time FFP to finish just before OT, playing around with her machines which I am often the unlucky party which is around to top up either the morphine or maxalon. I am so lucky to have this experience eh?! Yes, Wan Lin always strives to think in the bright side. So much so I name it the pollyana spirit.

What's life if all we could do is to grumble, blame and complain? Of course I wouldn't deny I do the above stuff, however in the end thinking of brighter things make me feel better, and boost my spirits.
Do you call that cheating on yourself?! Well, maybe in some sense, however it also mean "everything will be fine" in the end.

I apply pollyana spirit to my life, my work, my love life, everything. Now sounding like a pathetic soul. *ahem*

Recently have been constantly reminding myself to start scouring through the books and mug, but still not really acheieving the desired effect.

Recently I have been constantly kept in good spirits as I have several surprised sprung on me. =D
I was unexpectedly invited by one of my friends to his pre CNY BBQ party, however as I was already booked for renuion dinner, I had to give it a miss. Yet it is the thought that counts. Fancy him thinking of you when there's something fun, somewhere to mingle around to meet new people. Thank you, you know who you are if you read this post. I'm sorry for giving it a pass, though next time I will try to meet up with you okay?

Another is the friend whom I have established an alternative form of communication. It is sweet to recieve messages unexpectedly when you wake up, when you are busy. No matter it is some simple greeting, it has effectively douse my spirits with honey sweetness.
Sometimes I wonder if it was deliberate or innocent. Of course friends do these stuff, asking after their pals, however sometimes we say guys pay more attention to gals they fancy. It can be very embrassing when I start feeling some form of affection just to realise it is a misunderstanding, misinterpretation. Vexing. Probably need some advice for I still sux at understanding the opposite gender.
I would not deny to say I have started to have affection for my friend, yet I cannot vouch if it is really mutual. Till then, I guess I have to keep my emotions in check, an let TIME tell me.
Will I have a chance to tell you the further affirmation? I am just gonna keep my fingers cross.

I am a happy girl

updates

2010-02-12T02:22:00.003+11:00

on the Month of Feb and March, there are tons of great movies that are going to be shown, I absolutely can't watch. For example Alice in the Wonderland, Percy's the Lightning Thief, Valentine's Day etc.

Right, my choice for movies mainly lies on its genre and the actress/actors. my preferred choice is always romance comedies, girly stuff.

Well recently I caught "Every thing's Fine". It is a fine movie actually, starring Drew Barrymore, the main pull why, however I did not regret. Even though in my opinion it fits more during the X'mas season as it is mainly about a widowed father packing up his bags to cross states to connect with his children as they were too busy with their lives. Along the way, we discover the importance of family bonding, communication, and understand how the family ties ended up in their complicated manner. Movie reviewer's claim the urge to call the closest relative to catch up, however I had the strong urge not to follow their initial footsteps. Not neglecting my parents when I grow up and independently working/having a family, no matter how "mean/tyrant" my parents were during my growing up phrase.

Any nice movies for me except thrillers, supernatural movies which I bet'cha I would be screaming the cinema down, cuddling next to you like a koala bear, finger nails digging into your skin, threatening to break your ear drums and suffocating you. My friends have known not to force me along unless they wish to have an early ghastly death. Muahahaha.

*clears throat*

Work these days is positively working in madhouse/medical ward, which I still need lots of getting used too. I missed the days I am hugging my case sheets for dear life as every single moment doctors from various disciplines will review the single patient and request a whole lot of orders, it is unless orders, endless torture. Eeww, hated that. Now I am experiencing things like that, kinda nightmarish.

Enjoyable in some sense, however I must be crazy to say that of course. Haha.

Recently I am pretty happy as there is quality time spent talking to my overseas friend(s). Bridge other forms of communications with each other which previously was stated too "early/fast". I am overjoyed since establishing an other choice of platform meant bridging the gap closer, bringing the world distance slightly closer between one another. However I would still say everything is still very early. I am thrilled since this is one of my first time attempting this form of communication. Previously was just Skype calling my overseas friends, now with sms technology, "just a call away" sounds exciting. I silently proclaim the wonders of technology. Keeping my fingers cross this time round.

A constant reminder that greater expectations bring greater disappointments. Patience is golden. Haste will bring failure. *chants mantra*

Exams is on 22 feb, CNY is just round this weekend, I am barely just flipping the books. Shit!
Need to focus!!!

The Haven of the Scorpio Gal

Happy Chinese New Year

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Welcoming 2012

2012 resoultions, 2011 recap

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outlet of ventilation

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November

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Dream Awakening

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dream awakening

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Update

Meaningful song lyrics

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30 days

To Share

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Diary

Sunday update

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Continued~

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dream awakening

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perplex

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End of NUH Posting

Reflections of my KKH DS posting

做男人是个体力活， 做女人是个心思活。 在辛福来临之前，先学习，先观战，先自我练习， 才是王道。。。

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Happy Valentine's Day

Rabbit Year

CNY

Feeling Lucky

mini updates

Perplex

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Going Nuts

食品

World gone nuts

Craving

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Its holidays~

Its December

November is drawing to a close

17 nov 2010

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做男人是个体力活，做女人是个心思活。在辛福来临之前，先学习，先观战，先自我练习，才是王道。。。